Middle school students encounter social barriers
Editor's note
"There is one thing in my bone marrow, and that is loneliness. My heart is a frozen river surface. I am like an old man in a lonely boat, fishing alone on the river surface. Only I can understand the taste of it."
This is a submission from a junior high school girl received by the middle school student section of this newspaper not long ago.
An introvert and silent author, eager to be accepted by the group, but don't know how to actively interact with classmates.
She didn't find this breakthrough until she got the first grade in a monthly exam.
Lu Jiamei, a professor of psychology at Shanghai Normal University and former vice chairman of the Chinese Psychological Association, said that social interaction among adolescents is an important process of human socialization, which is related to the physical and mental health of adolescents and their future academic and career development.
The editorial department of this newspaper sent reporters to interview some middle school students and related experts, hoping to provide suggestions for middle school students who are experiencing pressure and confusion in interpersonal communication, so that they can take the first step in interpersonal communication more smoothly.
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Don't let online communication weaken the ability to socialize in reality
During the interview, a reporter from China Youth Daily and China Youth Daily found that many middle school students encountered pressure and confusion in interpersonal communication.
Xiao Qiu, a second-year student, noticed that many of his classmates seemed to be two people online and offline.
High school seniors said flatly that some classmates are not very active in reality, but they will be more "real" on the Internet. "It feels like they have their own small circle, and many of the comments that appear on QQ space come from netizens."
Senior two students Shi Tong also feel that this phenomenon is more common.
It's easier for everyone to find people with similar interests in the "two-dimensional", and some even have seven or eight fan discussion groups for star chasers.
He feels that social networking on the Internet is much easier than daily intersections. When social networks can already meet social needs, most people may be reluctant to take the initiative to step out of their comfort zone, especially those with introverted personality.
"It's a bit like a vicious circle. The more you close it, the less you can find the topic. Instead of being difficult to integrate, it is better to choose yourself.
In the era of the Internet, the social life of middle school students is changing.
The "Research Report on National Internet Use of Minors in 2019" (hereinafter referred to as the "Report") jointly issued by the Central Committee of the Communist Youth League and China Internet Information Center in May 2020 shows that the Internet penetration rate of minors in my country in 2019 reached 93.1%, 32.9 % Of elementary school netizens started using the Internet before school age.
The "Report" shows that junior high school is a critical period for the formation of minors' online social attributes.
Compared with elementary school students, the proportion of junior high school students in various social activities such as online chatting, using social networking sites, visiting Weibo, visiting forums, watching news, and shopping has increased significantly compared with elementary school students.
For example, the proportions of junior high school students who chat online and use social networking sites to view or reply to their friends' status are 31.5% and 29.8% higher than those of elementary school students, respectively.
What does social networking mean?
Cai Danyi, a psychology teacher at the Pudong Foreign Language School affiliated to Shanghai International Studies University, analyzes that on the one hand, online social interaction can shorten the distance of interpersonal communication, which is especially beneficial to people who are not good at speech in daily life. However, it is difficult for people to notice other people’s feelings when communicating on the Internet. The scruples will hurt others.
"No matter how convenient the Internet is, you can't communicate only through the Internet." Cai Danyi said that online communication can only be through language and text, and the emotions conveyed by real communication are coherent, and words, expressions and body language can convey emotions. "Two good friends Sitting together, even if you don’t speak, you still feel that your state is beautiful."
Lu Jiamei, a professor of psychology at Shanghai Normal University, who was formerly the vice chairman of the Chinese Psychological Association, said that the social anxiety (or social fear) of adolescents may be caused by multiple internal and external factors, and the Internet is one of the external factors.
"This situation often occurs now: children are looking down at their mobile phones during family gatherings, unwilling to communicate with their elders, and even urge to eat. This is because teenagers are accustomed to being immersed in cyberspace and unconsciously reduce actual communication. Interest and social skills are shrinking."
"One Hundred Thousand Whys of Adolescents' Psychology", edited by Lu Jiamei and one hundred domestic psychologists, gives advice on this issue: educators should guide children to recognize the pros and cons of online dating, and pay attention to whether children encounter difficulties in real-life communication.
You can encourage your children to start simply by expressing their inner feelings, and try to gradually open up to family and friends; take the initiative to organize family gatherings and other activities; guide children to expand their circle of friends in travel, interest classes, and social practice activities.
The source of a child’s self-confidence is the parent’s heartfelt acceptance
When Xiaoqiu communicated with his classmates, he was surprised to find that some "students" who had very good grades and were "admired" by everyone always felt that they were not doing well enough and that it was difficult to integrate into the group. The main reason was lack of self-confidence.
"They yearn to be accepted collectively, but they don't tell their parents or teachers. They rarely talk to their classmates. They seem to be immersed in the online world or the ocean of learning, and they don't know what else to do."
In psychological counseling, Cai Danyi has come into contact with many such children.
She believes that this has something to do with the child's own character and is inseparable from the family education situation.
"Parents always expect their children to be cheerful and outgoing. For example, children are best able to greet people from an early age. However, it is difficult to completely change the personality of a person. The more children are asked to do things that violate their nature, the more nervous, stressed, or Even if they do it reluctantly, they will not meet the parents' requirements. In the long run, children's confidence and confidence in interpersonal communication will be weakened, and it will be more difficult for children to develop in a cheerful and outgoing direction."
Cai Danyi said that self-confidence is a person's affirmation and acceptance of oneself. For children in elementary and junior high school, the building of self-confidence comes from the family; when they grow up, they can improve themselves through thinking.
Once a student who was excellent in all aspects told her in the counseling room: whether it is academic performance, or playing the piano or painting, there will always be others who surpass me, and I feel that I am useless; in this case, I can only say here, if in The class said that he would definitely be considered to be showing off in a "Versailles" style.
"There is such a way of thinking because children are always asked by their parents since they were young. Parents will also encourage and affirm, but always set a high goal. Children will never achieve it and need to work harder." Cai Danyi used recent popular movies "Hello, Li Huanying" is an analogy: the heroine has poor grades since childhood and is not beautiful, but her mother only hopes that she is healthy, happy, and can live well. This is the appreciation and acceptance from the heart.
"It's hard to disguise acceptance from the heart, and children are often sensitive and can detect subtle differences in attitudes in the evaluation of their parents."
According to Lu Jiamei's analysis, in addition to network factors, the school and family education's excessive attention to children's scores and neglect of social skills training are also external reasons for their social barriers.
At the same time, this is inextricably linked to internal factors such as the experience, cognition, and emotion of adolescents.
The survey shows that socially unpleasant experiences often become the inducement and starting point for young people's social barriers; they are also prone to cognitive negative thinking, tend to capture negative information in others' words and actions, or make negative explanations.
Emotionally, children with social barriers often have insufficient self-confidence, low self-esteem, or excessive self-esteem.
"Adolescents also have some unique thinking characteristics. For example, they always feel that others are paying attention to him/her, and they are very nervous when they have acne on their faces. This is the'spotlight effect'; there is also the'closedness'. In the heart, or self-reinforcing negative emotion experience, over time, you will become less and less confident.” Lu Jiamei said that educators can use some tips to help children develop self-confidence. For example, teachers can let students answer simple and confident questions in class. Some verbal encouragement allows children to have a successful experience and helps them to continuously strengthen this positive emotion.
Let go of the pressure and allow yourself to be a person applauding on the side of the road
How should middle school students take the first step in interpersonal communication?
Xiaoqiu said that the social state she yearns for is that everyone expresses their own opinions, and there is no need to forcefully follow the ideas of one party, and communicate equally and comfortably.
The two high school students shared their experiences of never being self-confident to self-confidence in social interaction. The common point is to strengthen the "insensitive power".
Ping Ping said that she was worried that she said the wrong thing. Later, she read "The Courage to Be Disgusted" and tried to "pretend to be a very confident person", but she really became confident.
Shi Tong suggested that you can try to output some opinions in the group, don't mind other people's different opinions too much, "as long as you are not embarrassed, it is others who are embarrassed."
He believes that it is a very effective change from habitual conformity to active output of opinions. "For example, when I started out with someone else out for fun, I gradually learned to organize activities by myself, just like a small assistant in a game. The child becomes an output."
Lu Jiamei told reporters that paying too much attention to the evaluations of people around them is a characteristic of teenagers in terms of cognition.
In middle school, children care more about the opinions of their peers than their parents and teachers.
"For example, parents want their children to eat more and be more healthy, but their children seek to be slim and go on a diet because the criteria for judging appearance in the peer group are different from those of the parents."
Lu Jiamei said that it is not difficult for adolescents to get rid of social barriers, and they can learn some general interpersonal skills.
For example, you have to be generous when you talk to others; you should actively respond to other people's benevolent expressions; don't always cringe in the discussion situation, just tell it when you find an opportunity, even if you just talk about it, it will make people feel "plus points."
And educators can create opportunities to expose children to social situations that scare them step by step, such as letting children who are easily nervous when speaking in class speak a sentence or two in class, allowing children to have long-distance contact with people who are afraid of socializing, etc. .
Cai Danyi reminded that although young people need to develop certain interpersonal skills, parents, teachers and society should also accept people with different personalities, and young people must learn to explore their hearts and accept themselves.
"Modern life is fast-paced and social competition is fierce. Parents start from their own life and work experience and feel that children can only be seen and have an advantage when they are enthusiastic and extroverted. But in fact, many successful people are introverted people with rich hearts and good at Thinking, but the way of expression is different".
In psychological counseling, Cai Danyi met many children who were dissatisfied with their social status. They were not so popular. They envied the generous and popular core figures, and yearned for the "highlight" moments that attracted attention, but their personality was not so good. Closed and introverted, so there is always pressure.
She once helped a lower grade child to do a sand table exercise, and let him discover that the comfortable state he really yearns for in his heart is actually being alone and quiet, and only needs one or two friends.
"In fact, to maintain a state of having many friends requires a lot of time and energy, and there is less time to think alone. That may not be what you really yearn for. Find a relaxed and comfortable state for yourself and allow yourself to be in the crowd. Be a person applauding on the side of the road, instead of having to be the number one on the runway." Cai Danyi said.
China Youth Daily · China Youth Daily reporter Wei Qimeng Source: China Youth Daily