Of course, in the case of “Germany's Next Top Model”, I see myself primarily as a chronicler on duty.
My job is to document the events around Germany's most famous TV training camp for future fitness tea sales staff as realistically as possible.
Today, however, I would like to live up to my journalistic assignment as an exception and start with a socially critical comment: Monday is International Women's Day - and yet the candidates for today's makeover are especially afraid of “getting short hair and then looking like a boy”.
Heidi Klum and the new selfie society, which is all about the perfect look and lots of likes, have already pushed the very young girls of the new generation into such stereotypical cliché patterns that apparently things like hair length decide how feminine, pretty and comfortable you can feel.
So the house blessing in the model loft already hangs crooked when the big hair dye and radical cut festival is announced in the morning.
Candidate Chanel is the first to regain her composure and feels like Angela Merkel after the last Corona summit: "I think I'm going to throw up".
Alex, on the other hand, takes a more pragmatic view of the whole thing and is looking forward to the first visit to the hairdresser after many weeks of lockdown.
Not for visual reasons, of course, but because he is “chronically afraid of split ends”.
The medical term for this is by the way: "Palina-Rojinski-Tannenbaumphobia".
Mareike is looking forward to a new hairstyle
Source: ProSieben / Richard Hübner
As soon as Chanel has pulled her head out of the toilet bowl, she puts it straight back.
She convincingly explains to her astonished female competitors why erotic moments are much rarer after the makeover: "It also affects your sex life when you have such short hair".
Every graduate of the Heidi Klum Influencer Academy deals differently with the impending short-haired disaster.
Chanel is afraid of cohabitation loss.
Mareike conjures up the Marvel heroine and proclaims: "I wouldn't cry, I would stay cool like the Hulk".
And if someone is known for always staying calm in stressful situations, then yes, the Hulk.
In addition to comic books, Mareike apparently also studies medicine.
She probably wants to keep the surgeon option open in case the DIY store openings don't work out so well due to the GNTM catalyst.
In any case, she talks shop: "The thought of a short haircut is not an open heart surgery now, but it does feel like a knee surgery".
And what happens after every knee operation?
Exactly: "Then you look like a horse".
That fits well, because Mareike would very much like to horse Germany's Next Top Model.
That's why you first take care of your pony when you make a makeover.
Popular Linda, impressively strong in shape every week on the Fremdschäm Walk Of Fame, tries to sleep away her nervousness.
But it doesn't work, because colleague Soulin rushes loudly through the loft and draws up cleaning plans.
The only thing Linda really wants to clean is Soulin - not clean, but down: "I've been trying to sleep for three hours and all I hear is Soulin's shitty voice, so shut up and don't get in my way."
Model mom Heidi Klum puts her hand on her hair herself
Source: ProSieben / Richard Hübner
When you finally get out of blasphemy mode and into the barber's chairs, you think for a moment: Look, Djamila Rowe is heading the styling team today.
But it's only Wendy Iles, who goes by the job title “Star Hairdresser”, because she was allowed to do her hair to celebrities like Jennifer Lopez.
And now hold on to Linda.
The “From dishwasher to millionaire” story also works in the opposite direction.
Said Linda does not want some things, but above all does not want to become blonde: "The typical blonde is stupid".
In order not to get into the focus of the mob icon Linda, hair genius Wendy decides to keep the changes in Linda moderate and instead let Ana become blond and Romina blush.
Ana thinks it's only so good, because she knows from the phenotype advanced course: "Blondes tend to have light skin and I tend to have dark skin and then I look like a solarium bride".
Romina has a little more luck.
She does not get a Daniela Katzenberger memory look but is transformed into LeeLoo from "The Fifth Element".
Red, shoulder-length hair, as it once made Milla Jovovich famous.
After all, she is considered one of the last real supermodels and was booked for campaigns by Prada, Christian Dior, Donna Karan, Gap, Versace, Calvin Klein, DKNY and Giorgio Armani.
A vita that Ro (t) mina would certainly have no objection to.
Even if she describes her new hair color like this at first: "Looks like chewing gum".
Keyword chewing gum: it continues tough.
Mareike receives the most extensive change and goes from long-haired vamp to Claudia Effenberg.
Or as she puts it: "Fuck me, that looks really bad".
Which would also be a good title if I had to bring out a cookbook.
Dasha, on the other hand, is satisfied.
It gets more volume.
Even Heidi Klum, the only woman in the business who hasn't changed her look once in 35 years, will be delighted by this makeover hit: “Dasha finally has the right cut and a rich blonde”.
A rich blonde is of course good.
Much better than a hungry blonde, anyway.
Totally euphoric by her new hairstyle, Dasha reveals a few intimate details from her life.
Most importantly, that she is happy and finally taken, and has even been waiting for an engagement ring for a while.
It's so romantic, Heidi is really excited.
She can finally marry someone live again in the final.
So there is also a little Theresia Fischer in Dasha, but at least she is not transformed into Dolly Buster during the makeover.
Out of sheer anticipation, the past perfect knot finally bursts at Klum: "Amina, you weren't so happy in between".
Not just in between, one would think, because Amina thinks: “I look like a country dirndl girl.” Yes, the popular anti-metropolitan bashing.
Fun fact on the side: Amina's friend is from Bielefeld.
And while there are regions in Bavaria where wearing dirndls are still in vogue, at least in fact, Bielefeld is just an invention by Kai Diekmann and Oliver Welke.
Amina Bielefeld struggles extensively with her minimal type change and verbally mourns her loss afterwards: “I liked doing things with my hair”.
Lay out whoopee pillows?
Sure, of course that is all gone now.
But it goes even deeper: "This means that the focus is now more on my face".
And that's the real drama for a model.
It's like a singer's focus is on her voice.
Heidi Klum with her guest juror Christian Cowan
Source: ProSieben / Richard Hübner
The six girls released from the makeover get bored and use the time to call out their own battle of reality stars.
Since Linda is still doing the makeover, Liliana and Chanel do the job.
Both present themselves as equal riot boxes.
Chanel opened with the accusation that Liliana had said about her: “You look like Luca, but Luca is much prettier and smarter”, which Liliana vehemently denies: “I don't even know your last name”.
Chanel does not let that sit on itself and increases by: "You are bullshit, you have a disgusting character".
But Liliana suspects where Chanel's anger comes from: "Every day I have the feeling that you have your days".
Women support women is once again working extremely well at GNTM.
When the rest of the staff finally returned to the loft in the evening, Mareike first dropped an unmistakable announcement: “Don't laugh, otherwise I'll freak out”.
So much for the Hulk.
Fortunately, none of the girls seem to remember Chiara Ohoven, so it remains largely quiet about Mareike's new look.
Liliana whisperer and hair therapist Chanel raves about Romina's new redhead: "Your hair is insane".
In the everlasting hope of the GNTM makers that one day a new honey would reveal themselves among the boyfriends of the candidates, the girls are allowed to present the new looks to their loved ones exclusively via video.
Amina's lover makes the start and saves her evening with a conciliatory: "It's still better than very briefly and now you have especially good tips".
That sounds a bit like: "A car accident is still better than a nuclear war and you can now drive the bus more often" - but it is still better than Stefano Zarrella's reaction.
Romina's friend comments on her red phase and her warning "don't laugh" with: Laugh.
And the two romantic sentences: “What the fuck, age” and “Yes.
It is beautiful differently ”.
That must be love.
Of course, he can't get rid of Romina's discomfort with it.
She also believes after his loving motivational seminar: "I look like a 16-year-old who had a heartbreak and then dyes her hair red".
Dasha feels more like Weinem
Source: ProSieben / Richard Hübner
It is not worth worrying about your hair love, my darling, and there is also no time for further self-pity.
The next day there is the Elimination Walk again.
And that in robes by designer Christian Cowan, who instructs the girls himself.
Christian Cowan has not only many clothes but also many platitudes with him (“fashion is therapy”) and wears a pink angora sweater that rashes on me just by looking at it, but is otherwise invariably nice, helpful and does not have any arrogant starry airs.
No derogatory remarks, no devastating judgments.
Such behavior is not even intended on the Dieter Bohlen scale for disgraceful casting show ratings.
Cowan's golden tip to Mareike, for example, is: “You are the boss.
You have to look like everything is yours ”.
Well, except for a hairdressing salon, because 24 hours after the makeover, Mareike still looks like Inka Bause with too much wet gel.
On the catwalk, Heidi Klum then identifies "speed modeling" with Jasmine.
This is particularly bitter because drugs are actually forbidden at GNTM.
Ana, on the other hand, is now blonde, but still prayed a lot - and was heard.
Her dress is so short that she has to hide the panties flashing for a second with a skilful pose and can thus document her ability to think along on the catwalk.
So your chances of winning the title are growing.
In the end, the winner no longer receives a model contract, but an Opel Mocca.
Well, there used to be real cars, but this change is only logical.
Why should the winner get a real car - you don't look for a real top model at GNTM?
In a dramatic final act, Amina does not receive a photo and is sent home just a few hours after her makeover.
Your fellow campaigners are shocked, but give consolation in an emotional farewell group hug: "A part of you will always stay here".
Probably the five centimeters of natural blonde hair that they transformed from a supermodel into a dirndl country egg.
The only one who stays away from the tearful hug orgy for Amina is Linda.
She prefers to check very carefully where she can get something to drink, because extravagant tirades of hate dry out the fauna in the mouth.
As soon as she has wet her throat, she is already in top form and sends the astonished nation into the weekend with another broadside against her favorite enemy Soulin: “Soulin just pisses me off.
Her fucking manner bothers me. ”So there is Linda in her yellow Bibo costume by Christian Cowan and impressively applies for the title“ Blasphemy of the Season ”.
Whether she will be sorted out for this next week, or whether Heidi Klum will keep her in the race in the hope that there could be a physical showdown between Linda and Soulin, I'll reveal that here next week.
Marie von den Benken
Source: Tristar Media / Getty Images
Marie von den Benken is on Twitter and Instagram as @Regendelfin, she is from Hamburg, model and author. In addition, she writes every week on ICONIST about the big and small dramas at “Germany's Next Topmodel”.
Marie von den Benken is on Twitter and Instagram as @Regendelfin, she is from Hamburg, model and author.
In addition, she writes every week on ICONIST about the big and small dramas at “Germany's Next Topmodel”.
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Our podcast THE REAL WORD is about the important big and small questions in life: What do breast selfies have to do with feminism? How does the long-term relationship stay happy? And what can you learn from the TV “Bachelorette”? Subscribe to the podcast on Spotify, Deezer, iTunes or Google Podcasts or subscribe to us directly via RSS feed.
Our podcast THE REAL WORD is about the important big and small questions in life: What do breast selfies have to do with feminism?
How does the long-term relationship stay happy?
And what can you learn from the TV “Bachelorette”?
Subscribe to the podcast on Spotify, Deezer, iTunes or Google Podcasts or subscribe to us directly via RSS feed.