Being the child of a deportee, "this leads to a lack of internal security"

Danièle Laufer, whose mother is a survivor of Bergen-Belsen, recounts the repercussions of the tragedy experienced by her mother on her life

Danièle Laufer -

Isabelle Julien-Lafferière

In

Coming after *,
which comes out this Thursday in bookstores, Danièle Laufer, daughter of a deportee, tells of her childhood hit by the suffering of her mother.
She also gathered the testimonies of twenty women and men who lived with a relative who had returned from the camps.
A family story that marked their personality and influenced their course in life.

The carelessness of the first years, they never knew it.

The children of concentration camp survivors were indirectly affected by the suffering experienced by their parents during the Shoah.

The transmission of this collective trauma, Danièle Laufer, whose mother is a survivor of Bergen-Belsen, recounts it with subtlety in

Coming after *,

which comes out this Thursday in bookstores.

A work for which she also collected the testimonies of twenty women and men born to survivors of the camps.

She gave herself up to

20 Minutes

on this painful past, which still resonates so strongly in its present.

To be the child of a deportee is first of all to have been brought into the world by parents who wanted to "give themselves a chance to rebuild a normal life", as you write.
Was this initial weight very heavy to carry?

Yes, and I believe that all children whose parents have experienced a tragedy have this feeling: they are there to make amends and they are over-invested by their parents.

They also feel like they can't disappoint them because they can't inflict more pain on them after what they've been through.

In several of the testimonies you have gathered, the deported parents did not want to tell their children about this tragedy.
Was it to protect them or to try to keep the horror at bay?

Both.

This silence was maintained to protect the children, try to lead the most normal possible life and push these painful memories to the depths of the subconscious.

They probably also hoped that if they didn't talk about it, those memories would eventually fade.

Moreover, many of us have discovered late that we were Jews, as if our parents did not want to "burden" us with that.

But even if the words were not said, the children of deportees felt that their parents were hiding something heavy.

Some asked questions and ended up getting scraps of answers.

You paint parents who are often very demanding, quite cold because they “froze their emotions”.
You even speak of “prevented love”.
What emotional deficiencies did this cause in their children?

This leads to a lack of internal security, anxieties and a huge demand for love.

Some parents have not been able to truly love their children.

Because in order to survive in the camps, they had been forced to keep their affects at bay.

You write, moreover, that these parents could not protect their children from their existential anxieties.
Hence the recourse of many of them to psychoanalysis?

Psychoanalysis has enabled many of us to put words to our anxieties, to understand them in order to keep them away.

It saved our lives.

They tell all the nightmares of their parents, their guilt of being survivors of the camps, their psychic absences… "Horror never lets go of those it has held in its clutches", you write.
How do you build with a parent who is continually going through pain?

The tragedy our parents experienced both destroyed and built us.

Many of us have used this initial fragility to make it a strength, to learn to assert ourselves and accomplish ourselves in different fields (artistic, intellectual, entrepreneurial).

For my part, as a child, I often took refuge with adopted families to breathe and find the warmth and affection I so badly needed.

Sarah, whom you interviewed, said: "We are guilty of existing".
How do you explain that this guilt of being alive was transmitted?

We have guilt stuck to our bodies, because we realize that we could never have been born.

This feeling of illegitimacy, which is difficult to explain, is widely shared by the children of deportees.

Your sister says: "I have always experienced my mother as a victim whom I could not afford to assault".
To be the child of a survivor, therefore, is not to be able to revolt at certain times against his parents, to be deprived of a crisis of adolescence?

It's hard to question parents who survived the Holocaust.

Hence a tendency to protect his parents, as if the roles were reversed.

This did not prevent some of us from having a teenage crisis, but in a more hushed way no doubt.

The children of deportees tell of their friends' disinterest in their family history.
Some heard themselves say: "You do not have a monopoly on misfortune" and decided to keep silent about the tragedy of their parents so as not to suffer rejection.
How do you explain it?

Some think that the Jews have arrogated to themselves all the misfortunes of history, hence their difficulty in hearing about concentration camps.

But I have the impression that things have changed a bit because currently, intimacy and identity are more interesting.

This allows people to be more receptive to what our parents went through.

This is probably the reason that prompted me to write this book now to participate in this work of memory.

They all have in common that they live with the fear that anti-Semitic hatred will return.
One of your witnesses also says that his father made him learn German in order to be able to survive in the camps in case history repeats itself.
You tell of your fear of panic the first time you went to a hammam, as if you had found yourself in a gas chamber.
How to get rid of this feeling of permanent insecurity

Throughout my childhood, I was told: "It will start again".

And the Toulouse and Hyper-hide attacks are proof that "it's starting again", in a different form.

Hence our hypervigilance.

Even though we have learned to live with it.

You also write that the death of parents was often a trigger to exercise the duty to remember, to become an activist ... Do their children feel invested with a mission?

Yes.

Those who managed to extricate themselves from their family suffering often got involved.

No doubt because it made them more sensitive to injustice.

And since you can't totally escape this family story, you might as well wear it.

This is what those who go to testify in front of schoolchildren about what their parents went through do.

For my part, I don't want Hitler to win post-mortem.

So I am not overwhelmed by hatred, I have empathy and I am always in solidarity with people who are suffering.

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Coming after

, Danièle Laufer, Editions du Faubourg, 21 euros.

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Family
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Society

Being the child of a deportee, "this leads to a lack of internal security"

To be the child of a deportee is first of all to have been brought into the world by parents who wanted to "give themselves a chance to rebuild a normal life", as you write.
Was this initial weight very heavy to carry?

In several of the testimonies you have gathered, the deported parents did not want to tell their children about this tragedy.
Was it to protect them or to try to keep the horror at bay?

You paint parents who are often very demanding, quite cold because they “froze their emotions”.
You even speak of “prevented love”.
What emotional deficiencies did this cause in their children?

You write, moreover, that these parents could not protect their children from their existential anxieties.
Hence the recourse of many of them to psychoanalysis?

They tell all the nightmares of their parents, their guilt of being survivors of the camps, their psychic absences… "Horror never lets go of those it has held in its clutches", you write.
How do you build with a parent who is continually going through pain?

Sarah, whom you interviewed, said: "We are guilty of existing".
How do you explain that this guilt of being alive was transmitted?

Your sister says: "I have always experienced my mother as a victim whom I could not afford to assault".
To be the child of a survivor, therefore, is not to be able to revolt at certain times against his parents, to be deprived of a crisis of adolescence?

The children of deportees tell of their friends' disinterest in their family history.
Some heard themselves say: "You do not have a monopoly on misfortune" and decided to keep silent about the tragedy of their parents so as not to suffer rejection.
How do you explain it?

You also write that the death of parents was often a trigger to exercise the duty to remember, to become an activist ... Do their children feel invested with a mission?

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Being the child of a deportee, "this leads to a lack of internal security"

To be the child of a deportee is first of all to have been brought into the world by parents who wanted to "give themselves a chance to rebuild a normal life", as you write. Was this initial weight very heavy to carry?

In several of the testimonies you have gathered, the deported parents did not want to tell their children about this tragedy. Was it to protect them or to try to keep the horror at bay?

You paint parents who are often very demanding, quite cold because they “froze their emotions”. You even speak of “prevented love”. What emotional deficiencies did this cause in their children?

You write, moreover, that these parents could not protect their children from their existential anxieties. Hence the recourse of many of them to psychoanalysis?

They tell all the nightmares of their parents, their guilt of being survivors of the camps, their psychic absences… "Horror never lets go of those it has held in its clutches", you write. How do you build with a parent who is continually going through pain?

Sarah, whom you interviewed, said: "We are guilty of existing". How do you explain that this guilt of being alive was transmitted?

Your sister says: "I have always experienced my mother as a victim whom I could not afford to assault". To be the child of a survivor, therefore, is not to be able to revolt at certain times against his parents, to be deprived of a crisis of adolescence?

The children of deportees tell of their friends' disinterest in their family history. Some heard themselves say: "You do not have a monopoly on misfortune" and decided to keep silent about the tragedy of their parents so as not to suffer rejection. How do you explain it?

You also write that the death of parents was often a trigger to exercise the duty to remember, to become an activist ... Do their children feel invested with a mission?

You may like

Trends 24h

Latest

To be the child of a deportee is first of all to have been brought into the world by parents who wanted to "give themselves a chance to rebuild a normal life", as you write.
Was this initial weight very heavy to carry?

In several of the testimonies you have gathered, the deported parents did not want to tell their children about this tragedy.
Was it to protect them or to try to keep the horror at bay?

You paint parents who are often very demanding, quite cold because they “froze their emotions”.
You even speak of “prevented love”.
What emotional deficiencies did this cause in their children?

You write, moreover, that these parents could not protect their children from their existential anxieties.
Hence the recourse of many of them to psychoanalysis?

They tell all the nightmares of their parents, their guilt of being survivors of the camps, their psychic absences… "Horror never lets go of those it has held in its clutches", you write.
How do you build with a parent who is continually going through pain?

Sarah, whom you interviewed, said: "We are guilty of existing".
How do you explain that this guilt of being alive was transmitted?

Your sister says: "I have always experienced my mother as a victim whom I could not afford to assault".
To be the child of a survivor, therefore, is not to be able to revolt at certain times against his parents, to be deprived of a crisis of adolescence?

The children of deportees tell of their friends' disinterest in their family history.
Some heard themselves say: "You do not have a monopoly on misfortune" and decided to keep silent about the tragedy of their parents so as not to suffer rejection.
How do you explain it?