How to activate your sexual life as a couple without making impossible movies

Neither explosive orgasms, nor irrepressible passions, nor impossible positions.

The reality of sexual life as a couple has little (or nothing to do) with the fiction that the cinema sells, but it all depends on the 'pepper' that each one wants to throw at it.

In 'Seaxamor' (Aguilar), Isabel Sanz, an expert psychologist in sexology and couples therapy, gives us the keys to spice up, to our liking and by virtue of our real possibilities, our activity between the sheets.

Is sex so important for a couple to function? Couples can function in a dysfunctional way but sex is the glue to be fully enjoyed. It is what differentiates it from a peer relationship. However, sex has the importance that each one wants to give it. The essential thing is that both members are in tune with respect to the mode, frequency and intensity of sexual relations, what if there is not? There are relationships in which, over time, they do not have sexual relations and they function as excellent partners who share commitments, intimacy and projects but lack passion and that makes them a relationship based on a sociable love. Although affection prevails, it is most likely that, if there is no sex, frustrations will come to light through conflicts. Unless it is an unspoken agreement between the two and the sex in the relationship would take a back seat. We would be talking about asexual couples. They live their love and their relationship in an intense way from an emotional point of view. With the same emotional needs as other couples, but without sex. They work like a romantic relationship: At first, desire can do everything, but what happens when coexistence kills the mystery and you no longer feel like it? To what extent do you have to 'push yourself'? The sexual routine in relationships is a frequent topic in consultations. Many people tell me that they love their partner and are also attracted to them, but they find intimate moments very predictable. For this reason, they unconsciously avoid having relationships, encounters become increasingly spaced and when they happen they are pleasant, but not very stimulating. Some of the reasons that cause the routine, are not living together or time together, they are more the indifference or disinterest, lack of encouragement, lack of harmony with your partner or prioritize other activities. What is clear is that we have more responsibility than we think not to fall into the routine. I have seen couples who have been together for 25 years and have frequent sexual activity. They enjoy and feel desire. If we asked them what the key is, their answer would be: love alone is not an antidote to monotony. You have to have an active and committed attitude to take care of the relationship every day. In essence, sex is a way of communicating. In the same way that you take care of your words, you have to strive to conquer your partner every day. That is the recipe for love. If your imagination plays a trick on you and you need inspiration. In 'Sexamor,' I propose more than 30 different strategies to recover or preserve passion. In addition, the very reading of these techniques in a way of eroticizing the mind is another key to keeping passion alive. How do you get a partner Continue wishing yourself until old age? To desire yourself until old age, you need a lot of communication and commitment to keep all facets of the relationship alive: admiration, conquest, intimacy, complicity ... And, above all, ingenuity because love, by itself alone, it does not provoke desire over the years. Passion evolves and you have to find moments of intimacy to feel yourself in all imaginable ways. Remember that communication and the senses are essential, and that sex is another form of communication, but without words. To do this, we must have a certain degree of predisposition, motivation and interest that can be recovered through daily conquest.How can we get rid of the (unreal) images of 'movie' sex? On many occasions, the information that comes to us about sex through media such as movies can be misleading. They convey that orgasms must be explosive or sexual encounters of infinite duration and with an irrepressible passion. The reality is that each person has different orgasms and that the duration of the encounters can be brief and satisfactory, it all depends on the situation and the person with whom the relationship is being maintained. And that does not mean that it ceases to be a pleasant and real sex. It is clear that the cinema has caused many myths about how to live sexual relations. In order to mitigate these types of images, there is nothing like creating our own sex scenes: use your imagination, sharpen your wit, apply common sense to discover that there is nothing more magical and real than feeling your body and that of your partner What is 'sex love'? It is a term that refers to everything you need to know about love and sex, which is the essence of all relationships. 'Love', my book, contains all the answers with which to decipher the secrets of the heart and of pleasure to enjoy in a full and balanced way in all phases of sexual and love life: from the moment of searching for a like-minded partner to facing dilemmas such as infidelity, emotional dependence or loss of sexual appetite, through advice to be a good lover, prolong orgasm, overcome anorgasmia and other sexual dysfunctions ... a whole formula of that explosive conjunction of sex and love that is the basis of every relationship .All ca chapters present stories of real cases, the fruit of my experience as a psychologist, with which it is easy to identify. And in each of them you will find step by step the keys to understand, overcome and manage each of these difficulties in a simple and practical way. Both men and women can enjoy this book because sexual and love difficulties do not distinguish gender. Love and sex are two sides of the same coin and in 'Sexamor' is the key. What are the big 'mistakes' we make in bed and how can they be fixed (if possible)? This is a topic that many people do not dare to talk to their partners. Knowing what you want to do and what they do to you is essential to achieve a full and satisfying sex life. Both men and women are bothered by different aspects, just as they are attracted to different things. One of the main mistakes we make in bed is not enjoying ourselves. And this can be caused by: being too aware of how they see us, not taking the initiative for fear of rejection or prejudices that limit us, omitting the preliminaries, believing that there is only one erotic zone, assuming that our partner likes the same Than to you, to forcefully squeeze areas that are too sensitive, fake orgasms, exceed in sincerity about aspects that cannot be changed, compare with ex-partners or not ask what we really like and miss those exciting games with which we fantasize. of our own pleasure and, talking about what we like or not, is the only way to maintain a satisfactory sexual relationship. That is why, in 'Sexamor' I offer, in a detailed way, the different guidelines that work to mitigate these sexual errors like, for example: knowing how to ask, ask or say no, open up to trying new experiences, or how to increase excitement before penetration using all your senses. In short, open your mind. How do we say that something does not work without hurting our partner? Perhaps we do not say what we do not like for fear of provoking an argument, hurting and even downplaying it thinking that it is not significant. However, what is certain is that this lack of communication will definitely influence your relationship if it is not modified. You can start out lovingly to express what is bothering you about your partner in a specific way. Try to put yourself in his place and take your share of responsibility, since you haven't said anything to him up to that point. Don't forget to say how something you don't like affects you or makes you feel. It ends by offering different alternative solutions in order to improve or change to benefit the relationship. The key is to get to negotiate different options that you both feel good about. Communicating effectively is essential for a harmonious, fulfilling and happy relationship. Is it normal to desire other people when you have a long-term partner? How do we deal with it? Faithfulness is an act of will and we will find moments in life when perhaps we can feel desire for other people. In those moments, you have to ask yourself if it is something specific or if there is something that is not working in our relationship and, therefore, that feeling of desire is actually a warning sign. Another explanation may be that, simply, it is something that we all feel at some point for attractive people -actors, singers, idols, etc.- in that case, we must accept it as one more emotion. Just because you love your partner does not mean that you cannot be attract other people at some point. If the desire is very intense and goes hand in hand with other emotions, you may have to weigh your feelings and make a decision. But we must assess: if what you are looking for is something new because of routine, the wear and tear of the relationship, dissatisfaction or feeding the ego, it may be necessary to talk about it with your partner to find solutions. Here we enter the field of infidelity and loyalty is a virtue that is assumed to the couple. Trust and fidelity are the foundations on which any monogamous relationship is based. As if there were an implicit pact on respect for the other and for the relationship whose main clause was fidelity, a concept that takes for granted a series of behaviors that, in reality, depend on the vision of each one. And they are not always associated with sexual deception. What does the so-called '40s crisis' (or 50s) have to do with all this? The 40s are 'the ripe old age of youth', as Victor Hugo said. We all suffer existential crises at different times in our lives, but perhaps the one we do not expect to live is the one that comes to us at a moment of maturity. What usually happens has to do with two opposite issues. You may have achieved everything you set out to do or, on the contrary, you may not find yourself at the moment you expected. Whether it is one or the other option, it is a time to take stock in life where you ask yourself if what you live, what you do and who you share it with, is what you want for the rest of your life or if you are still on time. The main thing is to understand what is the reason why you are in that crisis to be able to solve each of the causes. And, above all, face it as a way to grow and develop yourself personally, adapting to maturity and refocus it as an opportunity to fulfill your dreams and feel satisfied with your life. It can become your prime. What if either party is unfaithful? How is that handled? The pain of discovering a cheat is accompanied by the weight of deciding what to do if your partner wants to get back with you. That is when the doubt appears: forgive an infidelity? This is the big question: forgive and reconcile or break up. It is a difficult and very personal decision. Forgiving your partner, whether you decide to continue, or if your decision is to break up, is the fundamental thing to regain your confidence in yourself and to be able to move on, either in your relationship or open to starting a new chapter in your love life On the other hand, there are many factors that influence your reaction to discovering infidelity, starting with defining what is considered infidelity. Each person values ​​it in a different way and there are many types that are not always associated with sexual deception: there are people who feel victims of an emotional infidelity, even if there is no sex, nowadays, a flirtation in networks or a close relationship With a friend where the partner does not feel a priority generates mistrust. In these cases, there are a multitude of circumstances to take into account when making a decision, such as: if it was something specific, if there is regret, if it is the first time or if it really is the beginning of the end. Do you think that 'open couples' can work? It is a highly questioned practice and one that many enjoy, but it can also be the trigger for many more conflicts than desired. In order to avoid them, there are some keys such as: establish small rules within the relationship before taking the step or that both agree to one hundred percent ... I have treated couples in which one of the two agrees to open the relationship because the other demands it and fears losing their love and the result has not been as successful as they could wish.To take this step in a relationship, it is necessary that trust be a very powerful basis in it, since, if not like this, it can cause the solution to become the problem. Feeling security within your relationship is essential. Are you replacing 'online' sex with face-to-face sex? What are the dangers? With the pandemic it is evident that online sex has increased. It may have dangers, but it is certainly safe: avoid contagion. I think it has more benefits than harm. It is a different way of having sex. For many couples, it can be the beginning of a relationship and for others a different ingredient that enhances encounters and pleasure. In any case, no matter how much virtual sex is practiced, from my point of view, it can never totally replace face-to-face encounters. Physical contact, sexual intimacy, and affection are more powerful than any virtual medium. Sexfulness, tantra, slow sex ... What is all this about? It is one of the ways to find pleasure in sex with full awareness of what you are feeling. Different terms can be used to refer to this very special encounter: mindfulsex, sexfulness, slow sex, sensitive sex or tantric sex. In 'Sexamor', I describe each of them in a practical way along with the eight steps to enjoy it and discover the benefits they can bring us emotionally and sexually, but is there really something that can help us intensify orgasm? One of the greatest sources of pleasure that life can provide you is sex, whether emotionally or physically, and intensifying orgasms is something that we would all like. One of the keys to achieving this lies in something as simple as the ability to concentrate. Sex is in our mind and if we want to promote it, we must first find out what the keys are to achieve it. The motto 'meeting you gives you pleasure' is the way to discover areas beyond the G point, such as the U, P, point A, L, F ... and some letters of the alphabet that can enhance our ecstasy and that are still unknown to many people today.Other techniques to delay the moment of climax and, therefore, prolong pleasure are the 'edging' or strengthening the pubicoccygeal muscle among others. Reaching orgasm is something desired, but not the only goal of sexual intercourse. Enjoying the whole meeting is also very pleasant.

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