The joys and sorrows of the "two-headed marriage" family
28-year-old Zhang Yingru (pseudonym) decided not to have a second child.
Four years ago, she and her husband "married at both ends" and formed a family, neither married nor married.
Arranged to have two children, the older one with the father's last name, and the younger one with the mother's last name.
After marriage, the parents on both sides take turns to live.
Today, she has a very close relationship with the two families, and the biggest worry is the child.
Both mother-in-law and mother baby grandchildren, each have their own methods of education, and they compete secretly; the living habits and daily life of the two families are different, and the children go back and forth, which is also a bit confused.
"Too much trouble," Zhang Yingru felt tired, and the original plan for the second child could only be stranded.
In the region of Jiangsu and Zhejiang where Zhang Yingru is located, the so-called "men do not give the bride price, and women do not dowry" have quietly emerged.
It is closely related to the one-child policy of the last century. Parents do not want their children to leave home, and there is also the need for the so-called "passing on the family line".
"Marriage between the two ends is full of negotiation," said Zhao Chunlan, a PhD from the School of Social Development and Public Policy, Fudan University, who did research.
She previously mentioned in an interview with The Paper that things like "who does the child have the surname, how to do the wedding room, and whether to pay the bride price", all need to be negotiated, and the balance of marriage and life is mostly achieved through compromise.
So, what happened at the moment of tilt?
How was the negotiation reached?
The three "two-headed marriages" shared with us the joys and worries of their family lives.
"When a mother-in-law meets mother"
Zhang Yingru (pseudonym), 28 years old, from Nantong, Jiangsu
I have been married for four years, and we are married at both ends. Basically, this is the case on our side. Nantong is called "two-side escrow". Only-child families do not want their daughters to marry out, and they do not want their sons to be recruited. .
The wedding banquet was held separately on the same day as him. I came to the car to take me to his home in the morning, but there was also a banquet on the other side of my house. The two sides did not cross each other's boundaries, and the respective expenses were borne separately. The gift money was finally given to our young couple.
The other party gave out 180,000 and put it on the high hall as a testimony. My family only took 80,000 and added 80,000 to buy a car, so the money was paid back again, and the money went out of form.
My husband and I are both only children, and our families are very close. It takes about 15 minutes to drive there.
Because they are both locals, the two parties do not need to talk about some specific details before getting married. They just agreed with the husband in advance, such as the child's surname.
I haven't considered too much before, thinking that the first child will follow the man's surname and the second child will follow the woman's surname.
We now have only one male baby with the husband’s surname, but the hukou is in my house. After the child is born, I will tell him that if the hukou is in his house, the child must have my surname.
After getting married, I will live with my husband and children at my mother's house for a month or two, and then go to my mother-in-law's house for a month or two.
Sometimes the mother-in-law will be unhappy if we live here for a long time. She hopes that her daughter-in-law and children will be around, so that it will be a little more lively, so she often urges us to go back.
But this way of staying at both ends, disputes are inevitable.
For example, when I lived with my mother in January, the child was in good health, but after moving to the mother-in-law’s house next month, the child would become ill, and my mother would be nagging "Why is the child still alive and kicking in my house?" Yes, she feels uncomfortable when she comes to her house, come back sick?"
The child's work and rest will also have a great impact.
When my parents lived here, they went to bed very early, and the children went to sleep with them, but when they arrived at the mother-in-law’s house, they used to go to bed late, and the children were disrupted when they changed their work and rest. They often cried and made noise. It will take a day or two to get over.
In order to keep the child from crying, sometimes we will stay in one place for a little longer, but the other will have opinions.
Last time, my mother-in-law sent a message directly to me and asked me, "It seems that you haven't come back to live in a long time. This is also home. You can't just look at your end."
So I said it’s too much trouble or I won’t have a second one.
My parents also mentioned having a second child with my surname, but I didn't want to give birth, so they didn't care about it.
In our own situation, we live in turns on both sides, but there are also other situations where we have two marriages, such as buying a house by ourselves and then picking up both parents to live there for a period of time. There will also be other conflicts.
A colleague next to me, she took her mother-in-law and mother to live for half a year.
The room used to have dark curtains, but his mother liked white curtains when she lived. She said that dark colors were too dark in the house and were not good for children's eyes, so she changed the curtains.
The mother-in-law moved in half a year later and said that the white is not shaded and the night is not secure. The family has been upset for a long time because of the curtain.
In addition, the topic we can't get around here is Ma Baonan.
In a two-to-one marriage, when both of you live together at the man’s house, the woman will feel that you listen to your mother a little more, and she will be unhappy to go back to her house, and the man’s mother-in-law will be surprised. "I can’t say anything. , Then you go back.” Sometimes the son is not allowed to go to the woman's house again, and the two of them dispersed over time.
But my spouse and I are more tolerant of each other, and the most disputes are the children's issues.
When she lived in his house, her mother taught literacy more. When I lived in my house, my mother taught a lot of mathematics. The mother-in-law and the mother-in-law should compare each other. They both said that they taught well and felt that they were the children they taught. It's just different.
In fact, we still prefer girls here.
I remember when I first gave birth, my mother-in-law sighed and said, "Hey, it's a boy, I have to be bitter". I was quite upset at that time. She said she should be a daughter when she saw her. Become a boy.
She may think that girls are more intimate, because our girls are the masters of the house, at most two escrows, and many son-in-laws are recruited. Many Anhui and Shandong people are willing to recruit us.
I think the biggest advantage of married couples is that the children have both parents to take care of, and both sides are rushing to take the children. Our couple is quite relaxed.
But if, like a married girl, if the mother-in-law takes a little badly, she will not take it to you if she is upset, and you will not be able to go to work.
Of course there are also problems. In addition to the child’s work and education issues mentioned earlier, it’s really troublesome to run around. It’s like a child grows up slowly. If the mother says something bad about her grandma here, If it is passed by accident, sometimes there will be some quarrels, which is easy to cause some misunderstandings.
Because the relationship between the two parties is very close, when the mother-in-law meets the mother, although it is very close, there will always be a little conflict.
"The eldest daughter has my father's last name, and the younger son has my last name"
Zhou Tongtong (pseudonym), 33 years old, from Yangzhou, Jiangsu
My husband and I are natives of Yangzhou and we are both only children. The marriage of two ends is a natural thing for us.
In the 1980s, our one-child policy was particularly strict.
In the village, there are only two families in the twenty-odd households who gave birth to two.
In one case, there was an older brother and a younger sister in that family, but the older brother died, and the younger sister hired her son-in-law. The state gave her the policy of recruiting son-in-law to give birth to two.
Another is my neighbor. He was born in 1986 one year older than me. His uncle is deaf and mute. He has no children and is not married. Therefore, the government gave this indicator to his family and gave birth to him.
At that time, I heard my parents say that in the past eight years (for super-birth), the fine was tens of thousands, which was quite a lot. Few people dared to do this.
This is the situation of the previous generation, which has caused the number of only children here. When I was a child, I went to school with more than 40 children in a class. At most two or three children have two children in the family. The others are only children.
At that time, we thought it was like this all over the country, but later in college we discovered that many people have sisters.
When I was young, I lived in the country, including my aunts, uncles and other relatives. I lived very close, about three kilometers away. But now I live in the city and I am far away. I am willing to have two children because I think one The child is too deserted.
When we got married, both parties held a wedding banquet. Although we were in the same city, there was a distance of tens of kilometers. It was not convenient for his relatives to come over, so we held two games in a row, and the respective expenses were paid separately.
But there is no such thing as "married", "married" or "a girl who is married is an outsider" as people say. We are the same as before we get married. What should we do when we go back? The parents' attitude towards us and There is no difference before marriage.
We don’t have a bride price, nor do we talk about a bride price, let alone a bride price, and I don’t have a dowry.
When the man came to pick up the relatives, there was an opening seal, such as twenty, fifty, one hundred. Every time a door was opened, he had to plug the seal. The biggest one at that time was about 10,000 yuan. My mother later It returned more than ten thousand.
Both parties spent the same amount of money in the marriage. His family bought a house and my family renovated and bought a car. It would not be said that it was like a traditional marriage. For example, the man gave a gift of more than 100,000 yuan. A better woman’s parents might Return the money. If it is not good, the money may be left to the younger brother and brother in the family, but this is not the case on our side.
So when I talked about it, I didn't ask for a betrothal. People around me didn't ask for a betrothal.
The gift money collected from the two banquets belongs to our own small family. My parents-in-law and mother-in-law are also very good. No matter how big or small the gift money is, even if I have not met, it is the lucky money given by relatives to the children. They will not collect it by themselves. Will give it all to me.
All my peers in my family are girls, and my family is not patriarchal at all. For example, when my uncle gave birth to my sister, there were actually two girls at that time. After doing a B-ultrasound and knowing that she was another girl, my uncle said The girls are very nice, and they are very precious.
As for the child’s surname, I’ll discuss it with my lover. Both parties agree in advance that they will give birth to two men and women. The first one will have his surname and the second will have my surname. After the child is born, the first one will be a girl. The second one is a boy.
After the first child was a girl, my parents also asked the man who was there.
We felt that if the second one was a boy, it might be better to have the man’s surname. My parents said to the man, "The first one is a girl, should we give the first surname?" Then my father-in-law and the others It doesn't matter, so now the eldest daughter has the father's last name, and the younger son has my last name.
This is basically the case in my daughter's class. The eldest has the surname of his father, and the second is the surname of his mother.
I think it’s good. I don’t have to worry that the two children will lack a sense of identity because of the different surnames. Now the child asks that both sides are called grandpa and grandma instead of grandpa and grandma. If they are unclear, they will add a surname before the title. .
We have no difference with them.
It’s like my eldest son was brought up by my mother, and then my second child was brought by her mother-in-law. My mother used to live with us, but now my mother-in-law lives with us. It’s the same for children, so you should buy Buy all of them.
For example, when we went out today, we bought toys for both sons and girls. We will not favor sons.
My husband also told me that he said that if there is a house in the future, it is impossible to leave all the things in the house to the son, and the girl that the son has must have. I also have this view, and we reached an agreement.
Now we have bought a house ourselves, but it is the same as before we got married, and we are free to go back.
Currently I live with my mother-in-law at the man’s house. They help us bring the children. If I go back, I will go to my mother’s house a little more. Like when my mother lived with us, I would go to my father-in-law’s place a little more on holidays. , There are no worries.
Because we are in the same city, he is about 40 kilometers away from me. During the Chinese New Year, I will eat at my house at noon on New Year's Eve, and I will go to my husband's house in the evening and drive for tens of minutes.
For example, if you celebrate the New Year this year, you can come to my house next year.
The men here also understand the woman quite well. When they come back, they will help with things and take care of the children. So does my father-in-law. If my mother-in-law cooks, he will take out the trash and wash the dishes. It is easier for everyone to do things separately.
I don’t think there is any trouble with marriage at both ends. She treats me like a girl like my mother-in-law. If I sleep late in the morning, she will never be harsh or scolding me. When I get up, she will cook breakfast for me and serve it. Give me, everyone is considerate to each other, just like she said today that she was a little sleepy, go to bed first, I'll just tell you to go to bed, the child will sleep with me tonight.
But I have also heard that some people have disputes because of their surnames. Maybe they have negotiated before, and then they don’t comply. If a boy is born, they may go to grab a boy, but I don’t think it is necessary and marriage is not about it. Go for the benefit and live a good life.
"Strength is balanced, only two families can be combined with one family"
Wu Jiangchuan (pseudonym), 32 years old, from Suzhou, Jiangsu
We just got married in September, and we are both only children. Suzhou is called "two families and one family", but they don't live separately as stated on the Internet.
Both of them are local in Suzhou, and both parents prefer this method. There is a tacit understanding and the family conditions are also quite-this is a very important premise. At that time, my parents bought me a wedding house, and then she There will also be a good marriage house for her before marriage.
Like a wedding banquet, I invite my classmates, colleagues, and family members. I pay for the people I invite over, and she pays for the people she invites over.
There are also some things that can be discussed. For example, when we come out for weddings, they will give out the drinks. This is done when both parties are more friendly. If the strength of the two is more balanced, there will be a situation where the two are merged.
My fathers are very open-minded, basically we make decisions by ourselves, and they don't interfere in this aspect.
This may have something to do with the social environment on our side. From the early older generations, there was no patriarchal thought. I grew up in the environment where women had the final say. My dad just listened to my mom.
They actually knew the form of married couples before, and it has been popular for many years, but the previous generation has not been so exaggerated, because after all, they are not only children, there are several brothers and sisters in the family, but in our generation , "Post-80s" are basically only children.
When preparing for the wedding, both parents, including my wife and I, would sit down and talk. After all, the wedding car and wedding photos are all small heads. It doesn’t matter. Relatively speaking, you don’t need to hang on the table for a few thousand dollars. We did it, but they always come up with something, like cigarettes, wedding candy, souvenirs, etc. The two sides discuss these issues in a more harmonious environment, and there is no dispute.
We will not talk about the concept of marriage. Normally, before marriage, the man will give a dowry and the woman will accompany the dowry, but there is no such form in a two-end marriage.
I paid out more than 30,000, but my wife returned it to me. Her parents gave me 50,000, and my parents would also give her 50,000, which would then belong to our two small families.
Two people must live together after they get married. Generally speaking, we will live separately for a week, sometimes at my wife’s house for a few days, and then at my house for a few days. On weekends, we will eat out and live in the new house. , Will not live in one place for half a month or longer.
My parents told me that as long as the children are my flesh and blood, even if all of them have nothing to do with my wife's surname, there is no need to take this surname too seriously.
It's not that you have to have two children, but it's always better to have two children.
The surname is agreed before marriage. Since it involves the merger of two families, it is agreed upon. Regardless of whether the first child is a boy or a girl, the first child will have my surname, and the second will have her surname.
But it is not ruled out that this situation may occur in some individuals. For example, the first is a daughter, the second is a son, and some people want the second son to follow the man’s surname. There have also been cases of repentance in Suzhou, but still Relatively few.
As far as I am concerned, the relationship is very good.
The child will be born in March next year. I plan to let my parents take it for half a month, and then her parents will take it for another half month. In this way, we will try to avoid the problem of who brings more children and who kisses.
I think there is basically no disadvantage for me to get married at both ends. The finances of both parties are relatively transparent. Both my parents and her parents will buy insurance for us. We will also set up a small vault, and both parties will put some money into it. My friends here also operate in this way. It is very common for two families to merge into one.
Intern Wang Hang and reporter Ren Wu