[In-It] This one word saved me when there were only many reasons to die

One day, I discovered that my life was completely ruined.

There was nothing I could turn around, and it was like Taesan to bear.

While working hard and pampering my drawing paper, it seemed as if someone approached me and splashed black ink on the drawing paper.

Said the other person.

"Oh, I'm sorry, it wasn't intentional."

People also said.

"It's not like that on purpose. So why are you drawing there?"

The'he' who poured ink on me was the world, the time, the destiny, and maybe myself.

I didn't even have the courage to die.

I tried putting a knife on my wrist a few times, and even a small wound hurt too much.

It was painful enough to die, but such a small wound was another level of pain.

Even if I thought about it myself, it was ridiculous.

I smoked more than three packs of cigarettes a day and couldn't sleep without alcohol.

I heard a lot of useless things, so if I ended my life on my own, I couldn't do that because my parents' sadness and the guilt or anger that my children had to take their whole life.

I hated it because I hated doing damage to others.

However, I didn't have the confidence to live and it seemed right no matter how much I thought about giving up my life here.

My thoughts continued to bite my tail, and it seemed silly for me to die on my own to help my children live the rest of their lives by getting life insurance.

I always carried two bottles of 1.8 liters of mineral water when I went out.

My saliva didn't come out, so I had to drink water all the time.

My body was swollen and I gained 10 kilograms without losing weight.

Even if the clothes didn't fit, the shoes didn't fit, so I bought large slippers and wore them.

I went to the hospital to have a blood test.

There was nothing wrong with the figures yet.

When I went to the oriental clinic, he said that the heart was full of fire, and it seemed that the kidneys were already hurt.

None of the hospitals could cure me.

So, while visiting the hospitals to find doctors, I was introduced to a man who is treating with Swiss alternative therapy, and he drew blood directly from my arm.

I was looking at the blood he was drawing, and black blood was pouring out of my left vein.

Then, instead of drawing blood, he flinched.

It was also surprising that the doctor was surprised, but the color of the blood surprised me too.

Black blood...

…

The black blood that sometimes appeared when I opened my thumb when I was pretending.

Black blood was a warning.

Even if the current kidney levels are in the normal range, they have been warned that the kidneys will soon be damaged.

"How can I do it?"

When I asked, the doctor replied.

"Please take it easy."

I laughed.

"Oh right. But how can I make my mind easier? Do you have such drugs? Teacher."

As I spoke sarcastically, the doctor stared at me.

"Is pain in my opinion internal or external?"

I screamed.

"I'm not at fault. Everything is from outside."

Of course.

I'm good and right, but the world was evil and it was bad for me.

Until then, I did.

Then the doctor thought for a moment and answered.

"Then break through. If you don't...... it will be really bad."

I asked again.

"A breakthrough……?"

Replied the doctor.

"Yes breakthrough. Push it over."

"Break through, break through."

The words haven't left my ears for months.

Strangely, the word was comforting.

I didn't tell you how to break through, and I was still in the dark.

It was like a dimly visible distant light on a pitch black night.

Even now I am grateful to him.

He didn't prescribe a tranquilizer, but I think he was a true doctor.

Around that time, someone spoke to me.

"Would you like to do this once?"

I cried all night and looked at him with eyes swollen like doves.

He replied.

“So, don’t say…… I think. Nevertheless!”

"Even so?"

"Yes, nevertheless!"

Even today I wake up from sleep.

A blue dawn is coming out of the window.

When you get up from bed and open the curtains, the Seomjin River flows into the blue dawn, and the clouds descending the Ssanggyesa Valley all night pass over the Seomjin River in a long band.

As the forehead of Mt. Baegun, facing the east, turns pink, the long band-shaped morning fog gets thicker.

The sky is blue, and the white forehead of white clouds is pink, and the mountain Ap, covered with white and fluffy clouds like a white mink scarf, is green.

A feast of green.

All the greens of the world are gathered in one mountain and are changing in various ways every day.

The new morning is given back to me in pure and clean form, like a field of white snow where no one has walked, or like a white sandy beach.

I have tried nothing to give it to me, so this is a full gift.

The word translated present, present, present, today.

I answer questions that are asked during conversations or interviews with friends or juniors.

“I wake up in the morning and the first thing I think about is'I'm happy.' It's also'thank you'. After a day, I become a happier person as the day I spent. Perhaps I'll die at the peak of happiness. Like this, every day Because I am happy."

People look more outrageous than admiring me.

When I was young, I was an old'female' writer who had three divorces before her sixty, suffering from all kinds of rumors in conservative Korean society.

He was going to and from the police station after being accused of five charges, and he was suffering from bad comments that he could not speak when he opened the Internet.

When I opened the Internet, my picture, which seemed to be taken with a deliberately distorted expression, was painted under my name.

There were many loans and the interest alone was substantial.

They also knew that the book wasn't sold more than before, and the progress of the writing that received the down payment wasn't progressing, so they were looking for a call from editors every day.

I was the one who had 30 more reasons to die on my own.

Still, I replied with a smile.

"It may be incredible, but it's true. I'm having a really happy and satisfying day. I have a rough idea of ​​what you're thinking, but that doesn't matter. I'm happy nonetheless."

Then asked a junior who had been unhappy for a long time, or maybe he was never happy in his life.

"How can you do that. Teach me how you could have done it in spite of all of this. You spilled black blood and swelled, you were deceived and lost all your property, you suffered from all kinds of evil, You're still afflicted, you've been betrayed, I know you're all but how can you do that nonetheless."

I made a promise to my junior who was crying over me.

I'm going to write a long article someday about why I'm here.

Looking back, there are over a hundred reasons to think that it is painful, and there are a hundred more reasons to think that you are happy.

I'm just going to choose one of them.

I've been very lonely these days.

Compost is accumulating in my heart.

Flowers bloom in fertile soil.

In fact, I know that what you say to your juniors is what you say to me.

But, nevertheless, I know there are more things I want to say.

It means that someone pushed me to a cliff, and only then I knew I had wings.

Life surely pushes us to the cliff.

Then we will choose.

Will it fall or fly?

We will have the right and duty to be happy.

Be happy!

today!