THE SEX QUESTION - My friend refuses to give me cunnilingus, what to do?

Foreplay is an important stage in a couple's sexuality.

In "Sans Rendez-vous", the 

Anaïs question

"I met a man three years ago. If I perform fellatio, he refuses to give me cunnilingus. I try to understand his reluctance, but he tells me that he just doesn't take any pleasure in it. do. Should I stop the foreplay so that he forces himself to do it? How do I remedy the situation? "

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Catherine Blanc's response

“Couples don't necessarily argue over that, but they can wonder about it anyway. That's just what happens in relationships: it's, 'I'm more generous than you', or 'you do not give me what I give you. 'This raises the question of' do I give in order to give or do I give in order to receive? 'On the level of sexuality, one can ask oneself : 'Why do I give blowjobs? Do I do them out of generosity? Do I do it against my own desire?'

Once again, remember, there is no desire for you to perform oral sex.

The desire is not that of the mouth, but the desire for what it will provoke in the other.

Insofar as she gives blowjobs and likes what it gets with him, she gives blowjobs to give blowjobs, not to receive cunnilingus.

But sometimes you can mean 'I'm not afraid of your sex, I find it wonderful.

Reassure me, is my cock wonderful and can you make me feel good like I make you feel good? '

Couldn't his friend make an effort?

I assure you that a blowjob or cunnilingus done with effort can be worse than anything else.

You say 'minimal effort', I think you really have to do it.

If the effort is to be made, it must be done with a good heart.

We can like to make love, love the other, love him deeply, have infinite tenderness, but have a problem with the idea of ​​sex in his mouth or against his mouth.

It's way beyond the other, it's not all of a sudden a denial where you say to yourself 'your sex is horrible'.

But it can be extremely anxiety-provoking.

It is not something natural and easy to go and put your head between the legs of a woman, against the sex of a woman, sex from which we come from elsewhere.

There was an Almodóvar movie like that where there was a scene of a man going towards the sex of a woman, and suddenly he saw himself being reabsorbed by the female belly.

It can be extremely stressful, like a penis can be scary too.

We can find it dirty, fear to be urinated in the mouth.

We can love our partner really deeply, without being able to overcome something that is much more unconscious, an unconscious childish fear, which disturbs us in this relationship with sex and makes us consider that sex is not not very approachable.

What to advise Anaïs?

Already, the term "forcing" is not possible.

In sexuality, freedom ends where the freedom of the other begins.

It's always a compromise, it's always a deal between two people.

You have to say: 'I don't understand why you don't like it, is it me?

The other may respond: 'It's not my thing, I don't feel comfortable, I don't like it, I don't know how to do it.'

Sometimes it's just that we don't know how to do it!

In this case, she can guide him.

Should we go on strike?

If it's the jig strike, that is to say funny, why not.

If, on the other hand, it's 'I don't give you anything anymore, because you don't give me', we get into an arm wrestling that is a little sterile in reality.

Sexuality doesn't necessarily need this.

But you can say: 'You see, I would like that a lot, because I love it, it's hard for me to give it up.'

But we all have things we can't do about sex.

Should it be done in the name of the fact that the other requires it?

I do not believe.

That's the compromise in a couple. "