Long-lasting couples may recognize it: Sometimes it's hard to make sex last as long as attachment and feelings. But that's not impossible. For this, it is better to know how the "cycle of desire" works in order to identify potential blocking points and remove them. This is what Doctor Damien Mascret explained on Thursday in the program "Sans Rendez-Vous" on Europe 1.
Spontaneous sexual desire ...
"We operate on a cycle of desire that we often don't know. And yet knowing it would allow us to know where we have a problem. The cycle of desire begins with spontaneous sexual desire. One of the two partners will desire the other spontaneously and let it be known, more or less subtly.
If the partner is not available, we may also want solo sex. But if the partner is there, we will enter into the motivation to go to a sexual act. We are motivated, we hope that the other will be too, and it is also important to respect the tempo of the other, not to rush it, to put it in condition. But in general, we spot very well when our partner has an idea in mind.
... to availability
Then comes a very important step called availability. Are we available for sexuality? If you are an initiator, logically you are. But what about your partner? We will have to know if he is mentally available, that is to say not too preoccupied with something else, not too stressed. The second question to ask is that of availability on the emotional point of view. It can be difficult to make yourself emotionally available in cases of depression, for example.
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Finally, is the partner physically available, that is to say in good shape, not too tired? Because you still need a little energy for sexuality. If this last point is a sticking point, we should not hesitate to organize ourselves. It's true that sex often comes last on the to-do list. For example, if you have no energy in the evening, you can place sex in the morning rather than always having it in rough conditions.
The secret: communicate
The other question to ask yourself is: is sex right for you? Because if it doesn't, the cycle can end there. You may be going into automatic gear, but the next time your partner calls on you, you may not want to enter the cycle because of this bad experience. We can then consider stimuli. We must discuss it, not hesitate to say if something does not suit us, if we would like something else. The fantasies will come to feed this.
Then there is excitability. Remember, even if you start to have sex, you may find that you are thinking about something else along the way. Your thought goes elsewhere, your excitement does not rise, in short, you cannot engage your excitement.
So you have to have the freedom to stop. You never have to finish sex. Your partner needs to be mature enough to understand that today it doesn't work and it doesn't matter because no one is going to ask you to debrief on the way out.
Learn to let go
Let's imagine that it works, then there is a step, which is called letting go. You have to have confidence in yourself, in your partner, in your body. It is worth seeing if you can never let go because you will not be able to have pleasure or orgasm. Achieving enjoyment supposes not only not to think about other things but also that the sexual relation is interesting, sufficiently varied. Chase comfort! The comfort is reassuring but the monotony kills the excitement.
You will then end up with satisfaction. Sexual satisfaction, first of all, which doesn't necessarily correspond to orgasm. Orgasm is optional, the main thing is shared intimacy. But the satisfaction is also emotional. Has it really been a relationship with your partner? Partner satisfaction is important, otherwise it's a one-sided relationship. And if all of this went well, next time it will fuel your sexual motivation and your cycle of desire will be perfectly healthy. "