At 35, Philippe has had sex with other men for several years. But he says he takes cocaine on these occasions, feeling unable to have the desire for another man without this consumption. Friday, in Without appointment , the sexologist Catherine Blanc estimated that this testimony indicates a difficulty to assume his homosexual desire, while advising Philippe to first try to understand the exact origin of this addiction to the drug.
The question of Philippe, 35 years old
For many years, I have had homosexual adventures, but only while using cocaine. Without that, it is impossible for me to have desire for another man. Is this normal?
Catherine Blanc's response
In this case, desire is certainly found guilty. The superego is perhaps very present in Philippe, and perhaps he needs something to make him let go and make him express his sexual desire. He strongly judges himself for his homosexuality, which he does not assume. Perhaps he has a heterosexual life elsewhere and he feels all the more guilty. There is obviously a big guilt at the origin, and a particular vision of sexuality in general, perceived as something not good. It therefore needs a trigger that opens the valves.
Can he stop this consumption quickly? The problem with these drugs is that they offer such an important shoot, that the return to reality to calmly rediscover the excitement to create oneself is so out of step that it is often difficult for these people to stop using these substances. Everything is going so much faster, everything is so much more intense, that they can't let go. Everything seems cutesy, small, without smell or flavor.
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There is also a taste for risk which is added to this addiction. When you put yourself at risk, there is something in the order of a mixture between self-destruction on the one hand, and a feeling of omnipotence on the other. We force ourselves to hurt ourselves, and at the same time, we hope to pass between the drops and nourish a feeling of being beyond the law. It is a balancing act between two delusional aspects. Destroying yourself is dangerous, just like thinking you are all-powerful, since it is an adaptation to the reality of relationships with others and of the way you look at yourself.
I think that it is not a story of sexuality, but of addiction that Philippe must first settle. He must understand why this addiction is there. Is it there just to unleash sexuality, or is it another much more general subject? He must see if this addiction is in initial connection with sexuality or if it is a much broader subject from which sexuality benefits.