The truth about the divorce behind the epidemic
China Youth Daily · China Youth Network reporter Liu Fang
A divorce caused by late-night poker
One day in March, Zhou Shengrong, who served as a divorce mediator for more than one year in the Luohu District Marriage Registration Office in Shenzhen, saw a couple in their early 30s and walked into the door of the divorce registration room with a little girl. .
"The woman is in a bad mood and is crying all the time. We asked, are you both sitting down and talking with us, or are you talking separately?" The woman proposed to talk alone. Hearing that the cause of the divorce was because the man insisted on playing online poker at 12 o'clock in the middle of the night, Zhou Shengrong couldn't help but sigh, "Is it really because of the segregation of life during the epidemic, and the day and night reversed the little thing that caused the confusion of lifestyle habits and caused the divorce ?"
In fact, from the return to normal work at the Luohu District Marriage Registry on February 10 this year, divorce became a very difficult task. According to the unified arrangement during the epidemic situation, marriage registration has changed from offline and online appointment queuing to online appointment only. Those without an appointment cannot register.
The reporter discovered on April 27 through the Shenzhen Civil Affairs Public Account that the divorce appointments within one month have been filled, and the source of the marriage registry number in all districts of the city is displayed as zero.
The couple who brought their children to divorce apparently made an appointment for a long time before they reached the source of the number. Zhou Shengrong repeatedly asked both sides to know the deep-seated reasons behind their divorce. It turned out that it was really not a family crisis caused by a late-night poker that insisted on playing. The emotional crisis between the two had been brewing for a long time.
The woman recounted that the child's father had too much control. When the couple quarreled, the man sometimes started, and the woman called the police. Over time, the woman will run away from home as soon as she encounters this situation, and will not return home for ten days and a half months. The man believes that he is 100% committed to the family and his lover, doing all the housework and paying the wages, and is very patient with the child. He does not understand why the woman frequently calls the police and runs away.
Zhou Shengrong also saw that the man's willingness to divorce was not strong, while the woman's attachment to the family was actually very deep. So she got a deep understanding of the man's growing background. It turned out that the man was brought up by his grandparents since childhood, and had traumatic experiences such as being bullied in childhood, leading to a long-term lack of security. After forming a family, he also brought the imprint of the original family into it. As soon as the woman runs out of conflicts, the man will have a strong sense of insecurity. The woman also has a psychological shadow of the man's domestic violence.
Zhou Shengrong patiently explained to them that in fact, in marriage, they are just a pair of children who have not grown up. "In the face of disagreements, the other party is happy according to their own wishes. If they can't do it like a child, they don't get real growth. Even if they get divorced, because you do not grow up, the same problem will happen in the future. At that time, did you continue to use divorce? "
That day, Zhou Shengrong wore a mask and chatted with them in the mediation room for an afternoon. At the end of the chat, the couple cried with a headache. Then, happily left. Before leaving the door, the guard at the registration desk smiled at Zhou Shengrong, and it seemed that the mediation was done! Looking out the window is already sunset, Zhou Shengrong feels that his sense of accomplishment does not come from persuading the couple to divorce, but helps them grow up.
Divorce during the epidemic just surface surge
Li Shaozhong, director of the Shenzhen Luohu District Marriage Registry, told reporters that since the February 10th Luohu District Marriage Registry began to work, the number of divorced people has been almost full every day.
The reporter consulted the sources of divorce numbers in several other districts in Shenzhen and found that the number one is hard to find is very common. Li Shaozhong said that the difficulty of divorce appointments is partly related to the strengthening of management during the epidemic. The number of open sources in Luohu District is already too much, but it can only handle more than 20 pairs per day.
In response to the current situation of divorce appointments, Li Shaozhong quickly launched the long-prepared marriage and family lecture plan-"Happy Marriage, Love in the Family" series of public welfare classes. It's just that this time I changed the courses taught offline to online. Many of the lecturers are psychological counselors who have long-term public service in the marriage registry.
Among them is the Shenzhen Weijia · Marriage Gang. This is a private non-enterprise organization. As early as 1 year ago, it entered the district marriage registration offices in Shenzhen through the form of government purchase services. He has long been engaged in marriage and family counseling and mediation on the front line. Zhou Shengrong is one of them.
"Like some time ago, some media reported that the number of divorce applications in some cities reached a new high, and our feelings are not obvious." Zhou Shengrong said that at the beginning of the outbreak, the Luohu District Civil Affairs Bureau announced the personal mediator's mobile phone number on its public account. I feel that there will not be so many people who divorce during the epidemic. Because of the epidemic, we cannot interview, so there are more than 20 telephone consultations per month. "
In fact, according to the statistics of Shenzhen Weijia · Marriage Help Marriage Registry in Luohu District, Shenzhen, there were a total of 203 pairs in the second half of 2019 before the outbreak, that is, from July to December 2019 When the couple came to the divorce, they accepted mediation. Among them, 163 pairs of mediations were successful, and 42 pairs were unsuccessful. "
Zhou Shengrong and colleagues found that tracking these divorced people can be said to have a certain commonality-most of them are in the age group of 30 to 40 years old, generally because of "the old is old, the next is small", and they have to raise children, and To take care of the elderly, and at the same time facing the enormous economic pressure and survival pressure of Shenzhen, did not effectively deal with the marriage crisis caused by conflicts.
In fact, the so-called "three-view disagreement", which is now popular, actually does not exist. "We have found through the first-line data that most marriage and family conflicts are actually due to the difference between men and women in physiology and psychology. The most important contradiction. "
It is very important for both men and women to correctly view the differences brought about by the physical and psychological aspects of gender itself. The Weijia · Marriage Gang took over a case of mediation during the epidemic, which is typical.
Both parties are very young newlyweds, but the man likes to be quiet and usually relatively silent, while the woman is more concerned about communication and communication, hoping that the mode of getting along with each other is "everything can't be said every day." The difference between work and work is usually not obvious, but during the epidemic, this difference was amplified.
"When we came to our marriage and got divorced, it was actually because of a trivial matter in the family life of the two parties, and a few quarrels between them caused a conflict, and then it became more and more fierce, and there was a divorce." Zhou Shengrong told reporters that the woman believes that the man has not followed She spoke, what is the meaning of this life; the man thinks that the woman is unreasonably making trouble, but not as determined to divorce as the woman.
The mediator said that in fact, these cases are more common in their mediation cases, and most of them happen in the families of some young people. The mode of getting along with each other has n’t been adjusted well, and there is no principle problem. Caused by long-term contradictions.
"Such incidents have internal causes, external causes, and root causes." From such cases, the man does not communicate with the woman for a long time. For the woman, he does not feel the love of the man. This is an external cause; Different modes of getting along, often quarreling and having conflicts, this is the internal cause; when conflicts occur, both sides have emotions, and the emotions are substituted into the conversation, which becomes a temper tantrum, which becomes the cause. "So when we presented these questions to the parties one by one, they realized that they actually need to find their own reasons."
The post-epidemic era that cannot be ignored
Lan Zi, secretary general of the Guangdong Marriage and Family Counselors Association, is a senior mentor with 20 years of experience in marriage counseling. In her view, the rise in the divorce rate during the epidemic is only a superficial phenomenon, and the underlying reasons are nothing more than these four points: First of all, most families suffer from various kinds of emotional problems due to work stoppages and delays in income, and economic pressure doubles. Secondly, under the epidemic, negative emotions such as stress are easy to vent to the closest people; in addition, the original Family conflicts are strengthened and intensified; there is also a special case where home isolation will inevitably lead to a high degree of family living space overlap, which may lead to family conflicts caused by lack of resources.
"During the epidemic, the sharp decline in family income is the most important reason for most marriage explosions, but these four reasons sometimes affect each other." Lan Zi said that in Shenzhen, after many families have children, the living space seems more It is embarrassing that the living space of the original family members in different time dimensions is different. Usually parents do not have much time to meet each other when they go to work, their children go to school or go out to play with each other, so there is no conflict in life resources. During the epidemic, home isolation will lead to a high degree of overlap in living space, which may be due to the competitive use of certain family spaces (such as toilets), family facilities (such as TVs, computers), and family life (what food to buy, daily necessities). The struggle for power creates a sense of lack of resources, which triggers family conflicts.
Wang Liufeng, a psychological counselor of the Shenzhen Women ’s Federation's anti-domestic violence pilot, said that the relationship between husband and wife is not capable enough, lacks common experience, and emotional accounts are overdrawn. Usually busy with work and socializing, gathering less and separating more, feelings are not well maintained, and there is buffer space for problems. Now closed for a long time in a small space, the problem will be relatively more prominent, and there is no room for maneuver. What turns out to be unimportant, inconspicuous, and forgiving will magnify.
"In the post-epidemic era, marriage relations are facing new challenges." Wang Liufeng said that when people encounter major changes, they will be more inclined to choose basic needs. The tolerance and co-operation in daily life decreased significantly. For example: for the sake of the children, consider that even if they divorce, they may not find a better person, etc., but after a disaster, these constraints are no longer important, people will tend to be more psychologically kind to themselves , I feel that there is no need to make up, and resolutely resolute.
Wang Liufeng suggested that both men and women need to understand some basic common sense of psychology. Psychologists have long discovered that when experiencing sorrow, women are more likely to struggle with the reasons for things and their feelings at the time, while men will choose to focus on other things to divert their attention. In other words, you are sad, he is also sad, but the way you deal with sadness is to immerse yourself in the sadness, and his way is to "first play the game to ease your emotions." He is not uncomfortable, but he has chosen another way to relieve emotions.
"Under the anxiety of the epidemic, most people will be more eager for family, and more eager for family connection." Wang Liufeng said that he can't solve the problem by evading difficulties and responsibilities. He hopes that the couple will cherish the opportunity of family life and learn the correct way to deal with family conflicts. Only by treating marriage correctly and learning to be tireless for a long time, can couples be happy together.