How to use the epidemic situation to deal with the parent-child relationship
During the prevention and control of the New Coronary Pneumonia epidemic, the children were basically "closed" in the smallest enclosed unit of the family. Coexisting under the same roof for a long time has highlighted the intergenerational contradictions of some families.
Many parents attribute the tension of parent-child relationship to the epidemic, thinking that as soon as the epidemic is over, the parent-child conflict can disappear. However, Li Xue, deputy chief physician of Pediatrics Hospital of Peking University Sixth Hospital and deputy secretary-general of the Psychological Counseling and Treatment Special Committee of China Mental Health Association, believes that poor parent-child relationship and poor communication have nothing to do with the epidemic. The quality of the parent-child relationship is a continuation of the existing situation.
In an interview with our reporter, Li Xue said: "Because the epidemic makes everyone stay together every day, this problem becomes more prominent. Those families who do not usually have parent-child problems have no problems during the epidemic. The children think , It ’s nice to spend a lot of time with my parents every day. For those families who have poor parent-child communication, the problem will become very prominent during the epidemic. There are also some families between the two, short Everyone can be patient and patient with each other during the time, but after a long time, 24 hours a day together, many problems will be exposed. "
Li Xue believes that it is not a bad thing to expose parent-child problems due to getting along in special periods. "Only if a problem is found, the problem can be solved early." In general, the cause of communication problems between parents and children lies with the parents. "For example, in this epidemic, many parents will have anxiety for various reasons. At this time, if the child is not obedient, parents can easily transfer their anxiety to the child."
Parent-child conflicts often arise from the desire of parents to control their children, as well as the defects of emotional management and emotional control capabilities exposed during this process.
"A lot of times, it's not that things can't communicate by themselves, but that parents and children have a lot of emotional problems when they communicate, which will magnify the problem." Li Xue said, "For example, parents stipulate that children do something at 9 o'clock, children may I did n’t do it at 9:10, and the parents thought it was impossible, so they began to blame from beginning to end, turning over old accounts, and venting their emotional problems to their children ... "
"In our opinion, there are many parents and children who are together every day, but they really have very little communication and exchanges related to emotions. Parents are not very concerned about what their children like, high and unhappy, because something sad; All I care about is that I have n’t finished my homework, whether I have taken the online class, whether I have put on the mask, and I have n’t washed my hands ... But in fact, in many cases, what parents really need to care about is what they think in their children ’s hearts, and they are not happy. What you need to do for your children ... "
What every child needs is the true companionship of parents, not endless nagging. Li Xue said that in fact the child really doesn't want much. "For example, many parents see their children playing mobile phones and mistakenly think that the children just want to play games, but in fact, what the children want is to have an independent space and be respected."
How to deal with the parent-child relationship? Li Xue believes that, first of all, parents should not let their anxiety affect their children. Everyone must have time alone. "When feeling anxious, separate yourself from your child. Find a period of time and leave it to yourself to allow you to digest negative and anxious emotions." Parents can tell their children: "I'm a little worried and a little unhappy now. I want to stay on for a while and you can do your own thing. Don't disturb me, I'll be fine after a while"-sincerity is always the best way to communicate.
Secondly, when parents arrange their children's schedules, they should allow their children time. "Many parents want to organize their children ’s lives in an orderly manner, let the children work regularly, and have a lot of time to learn. This is a very good practice. Because when the children ’s time is scheduled to be full, he can have a higher At the same time, parents must also pay attention to when setting a schedule for their children, they must allow some time for them to do what they like, so that they can do whatever they want, and do whatever they want. Whether it is a preschool child or a school child, this kind of time is needed. Only in this way can the child be truly relaxed. "
In addition, as children grow up, parents need to identify their role positions. Especially when dealing with children in adolescence, they should communicate and communicate with the attitude of adults. Children in adolescence need independent space. What parents should do at this time is to cultivate their children's self-management and self-regulation ability. It cannot be "the child has grown up, and the communication method between the parents and the child has not yet grown up".
"The epidemic provides parents with a good opportunity to practice. Parents can make good use of this time with their children, learn how to understand their children's true feelings, practice how to communicate and communicate with children more effectively, and exercise their emotional management And emotional control. At the same time, we must leave enough space for ourselves and our children to not disturb the children too much, and not let ourselves be disturbed by others. "Li Xue said.
China Youth Daily · China Youth Daily reporter Xia Jin Source: China Youth Daily