"We were like horses running throughout the day in open arenas, and when they met after a full course of running, the fatigue had reached an amount of them and the exhaustion was the manager of their meeting, which was not more than two or three hours before sleep, sleep, which was the only separation between two successive sessions of running and gasping." . So Farah described. P, for " Maidan " (a pseudonym), the Egyptian thirtieth woman, her relationship with her husband during five years of marriage.
At the end of her twenties, Farah got acquainted with her husband, both of whom were suitable for the other with a mental calculation accompanied by emotional acceptance, and after marriage, each of them became involved in his life, work, and ambitions. Farah, who works in one of the private bodies, wanted to complete her higher education, and obtain Doctorate degree in her specialty, but her husband, he was working in his own trade, which may take about 12 hours in their entirety, unlike the time it takes to move from home to work, and his daily sleep yield does not exceed six hours, even in the days of official holidays with Others, it is true that they agreed to postpone childbearing, and to you This is not Aatthma enough time for the convergence of each other, they were completely Mstgrgin in their work and aspirations of professional and academic.
After the outbreak of the new Corona virus, which forced everyone to go to the house indefinitely, the life that the couple got used to, Farah tells Maidan : “In a moment, everything started to change, successive clockwise cycles that we were used to before. Her rhythm, we found ourselves sitting at home for 24 hours.My husband felt responsible and gave his employees leave, and tried to encourage his friends of private business to do the same, now we only get to know each other, after one year of engagement and five years of shared life, we quarrel in the day what not Less than 7 times, once among them quarrels is because of excess salt in the Food, and again I quarrel because he leaves the bathroom door open while I can't stand it like this! "
She adds: "I fully realize that these are reasons that do not lead to fights, but they are enough to ignite our nerves, and make our voice reach neighbors easily, sometimes I feel shy, and sometimes I say nothing wrong. We are also getting voices of neighbors' fights, perhaps this is due to the fear of getting sick, Perhaps the specter of death that has become crouched on everyone's chest waving his hands is warning and threatening, perhaps it will be to stop life and postpone plans and aspirations indefinitely, and finally it may be because we do not know each other, and that we were living strangers under one roof and adjacent at the end of the day on one bed, This is the first time we have seen each other N near and recognize the temperament and qualities of each other, and did not Hatna the previous caller continued allowing us this opportunity .. but I'm really afraid that it long, and up the relationship between us to have dire consequences. "
Farah is not the only one who learns about the nature of her husband and fights huge quarrels because of the excess salt and the open bathroom door, where the pages of Egyptian women abound on the social networking site Facebook with a lot of ridicule and sarcasm at what their marital differences reached due to their husbands staying at home, so you find those who say: "A quarter An hour in the house, too, and you will answer us from the family court. ”And another says:“ The days are in a historical demand for tomato and cucumber bottlenecks, and why do two contestants overcame the refrigerator drawer? ”
Our bad communication may shatter us before the newborn hits us
Another teaser spread on Facebook, saying: "It looks like we're at home going to kill each other before Corona kills us." Perhaps this joke summarizes the situation in which Randa lives. So, she is a thirtieth housewife, and she tells " Maidan " about her marital relationship during the quarantine period: "I had two children at pre-school age, when my husband sat at home, they became three, he sleeps all day, and when he wakes up at an afternoon he does not stop requests, Like young children, the difference between him and them is that his requests must be orders that are implemented immediately and momentarily, and that must be left in my hands to fulfill what he wants, and the matter may develop into a fight that may be heard by all the neighbors. "
"I feel very nervous pressure. On the one hand, I worry about my elderly parents, on the other hand, everything that goes into the house is sterilized to bags of rice and pasta, and on the third hand I should have gone with my oldest child to the nursery as the doctor advised me to learn the words that He was late in his learning, which of course did not happen after all the gatherings were closed, so I should do with him at home what he would have done in the nursery so that he would not be late any more, in addition to caring for his little brother and meeting his requirements, all this in the cuff, and in the cuff Another, a husband sits on the sofa, wants to spend his day between a mobile phone and PlayStation For a computer, and it is not tolerated by the screaming of the little ones, and he sees that everything in the house is still my responsibility even though he is at home, how do we not quarrel then ?! This is assuming that he does not invent a fight when he is fed up with the continuous screaming of children and decides to empty his nervousness for any reason whatsoever ".
Randa sometimes seeks an excuse for her husband because he has not used to all the stress that she has lived in for years, but on the other hand she often feels cured in it, because all his relationship with the house and with them is that he arrives at home almost every night in the middle of the night, after he finishes his work at five Or the sixth, and he goes to meet his friends and spend the evening with them, and he does not return to the house except to eat his dinner and sleep, and if one of the young people is still awake, he still quarrels until the little one stops screaming to be able to sleep, all that Randa hopes is that this difficult period ends without finding Someone himself was driven by suicide from stress and to get rid of his life.
By stripping us of the rhythm of our usual daily lives, we have become naked in some way. And if we don't get used to being emotionally naked with our partners, things can get strangely bad
Writer Mark Manson says in an article entitled "Love in a Quarantine Time" that psychological stress either brings people together or divides them. If the relationship is healthy, that is, if the intentions of both people are in line with the good of the relationship and they respectfully communicate, then pressure will make the relationship stronger. But if the relationship is unhealthy, for example, if the intentions of one or both are unbalanced and / or they are treated rudely, then the pressure will push them to a worse position than they imagined.
During the quarantine period, the ability to divert attention that was previously available is diminished. If you were a bad father or were an angry wife, and you could previously divert your partner’s attention indefinitely away from this fact, the situation is no longer the case now, continuous communication Don't let anything be hidden from yourself or your partner. By stripping us of the daily rhythm of our daily lives, we became naked in some way. And if we don't get used to being emotionally naked with our partners, things can get strangely bad.
Manson predicts that in the coming weeks and months, as people are forced to face the naked truth of their relationships, there will be a lot of emotional pressure to cope with the exacerbation of the existential pressure of the epidemic. For this reason, this period is actually an important time to maintain and repair relationships in your life, if possible. (1)
Successive quarrels lead to divorce
"My father threw on my mother the oath of divorce more than once in the two days they passed even though we are Christians!" This is how one of the jokes that spread on social networking site Facebook says, but the matter is really unbearable.
Illuminated. Q. An Egyptian girl in the late twenties spent the past days, the worst days of her life, between the telephone consultations of the Egyptian Ifta House and some sheikhs because her father threw the right of her mother to the divorce in a moment of emotion, and this was the third divorce, after a complete silence on the word divorce and not even approaching who Speaking her letters for more than thirty-five years for fear of the occurrence of this third divorce, the couple at the end of the sixties of their age, and this is the first time that they stay in front of each other continuously thus, the husband was previously permanently out of the house, although he suffers from sugar and pressure And some problems with heart health, k A, he was subjected to strokes several times, but he was fed up with sitting at home, after he finished his period of service at work, he was able to occupy himself with a lot of activities, between mosques to perform prayers, then the cafe for entertainment with friends, family visits to the near and far, so the husband spent The time, even while sitting at home, was between the TV or balcony, or some light brawls passing with his wife.
Manar told " Maidan ": "My father found himself, day and night, hostage of the house, he could not reach the threshold of the house, and he could not even perform the prayers in the mosque, sometimes we find him crying when hearing the call to prayer, but the situation is not on him alone, so we are all at home, I And my sister goes with our room, and we find our entertainment and a way to spend our free time on social media and talk to our friends through these sites, and from time to time we listen to our parents ’quarrels on reasons that may reach that the water bottle in the refrigerator is empty, or that the end of the carpet is uncontrolled, reasons that made me My sister gazes at us at some unbelief when we hear, but in one of these quarrels We found my mother enters our room yellowish face and tell us that my father divorced her, to turn the house the whole upside down for several days, and after a lot of questions and make sure the consulting Atmonna that divorce legitimately did not occur because of the age of my father and the particular situation of health, which makes it unstable many times. "
Worldwide, marital relationships are threatened by quarantine and the continued stay in the home
Registry offices have revealed that divorce rates in China have skyrocketed during the healthy isolation of the newly borne Coronavirus, and Lu Shijun, director of the marriage registry in Dazhou, southwest China's Sichuan Province, has said that more than 300 couples have set dates for divorce since February 24. 2)
Officials believed that the sharp increase in divorce applications could be caused by the fact that the partners spent a lot of time together under quarantine, and Lu told the local press: "Young people spend a lot of time at home, which makes them tend to engage in heated debate because of something trivial." They rush to obtain a divorce, "one of the registration officials told" Global Times "that one of the district's offices received 14 requests in one day, to reach the highest levels set by the local council.
In the United Kingdom, Baroness Shackleton, the family’s lawyer, warns that the new Corona virus will spark a rise in divorce cases in the UK after forcing couples who isolate themselves to spend months in quarantine together, adding: “Our peak times are after long exposure during the summer holidays and during Eid Birth, one just has to imagine what it would be like when families were locked up in a drug for an extended period of time. An American psychologist warns that American husbands may soon be separated due to the outbreak of the new Corona virus, which forced them to self-isolation and close homes to them without taking previous steps to solidify their relationship. (3)
Quarantine and increased domestic violence
In Egypt, at the level of socially and economically disadvantaged relationships, domestic violence has proliferated during the quarantine period, especially after the increase in income problems among daily workers, congratulations. On the twentieth girl who lives in a popular neighborhood in the Egyptian capital, " Maidan ": "In our neighborhood, the houses stick together, the separation between the housing units and some of them may be just a wall that does not obscure the sound or the details of living, it is no longer strange to hear the continuous quarrels because of all the big details of life." And even the simple passing, but what gives us the most fear when the silence of the night hardens screaming one of them because her husband beats her, minutes of continuous screaming then screams calm and followed by the sound of crying for hours to come.
"Yes, the previous days hit me several times," says Samira. H, the forty-year-old woman from her relationship with her husband during the past days of quarantine, especially after the husband stops working, the husband works as a paint worker, who does not work unless someone requests him to paint the walls of his house, or prepare his home for marriage, which is no longer the case now, for weeks he stays The husband is at home, the days are heavy, Samira tells "Maidan": "What will the man do ?! I know that he is trying to deflate his anger, boredom, and vent himself, but he does not find someone else in front of him. He is sitting at home day and night, even cafes are no longer available as before," And the demands of the house and the children are endless, and he does not find a trick in his hand. When he worked, I also worked, so I went to B Z houses and help Hrbhn in cleaning and food preparation, but even this is now no longer required. "
On the other hand, in the United States, distress calls from domestic violence increase during quarantine after the recent Corona outbreak, domestic violence shelters say they are overwhelmed by calls because people are locked in their homes, and during this time, when families are isolated inside their homes, there is a side Dark as domestic violence increases, staying at home can become a terrible condition for victims of domestic violence. (4)
Jessica Garza is an American survivor who escaped from an abusive husband who beat her so badly that she lost her unborn child. “The idea of being in one place permanently with your assailant is an idea that I cannot even imagine the condition of,” said Garza. Garza has been able to go to her sister for help, and says that the woman should not hesitate to find a safe place to go.
Domestic violence shelters, such as The Family Place, are experiencing a massive increase in appeals. The Family Place is one of the largest providers of family violence relief services in North Texas. It has three emergency shelters providing 177 beds for shelter each. a night. (5) Paige Flink, CEO of Family Place, says: "The situation is very bad now. What happens is that some shelters do not have private bedrooms, where they have to isolate and separate people, which reduces the number of people who can be accommodated." But in any case we will not reject anyone in a fatal situation, the shelter will find a safe place for them. " Family Place makes sure that people who are coming do not show symptoms of the emerging virus, and the shelter is frequently cleaned to keep everyone safe.
How can marital relations be preserved during quarantine time?
"Quarantine is exhausting, and a review of the evidence published in the magazine" The Lancet "indicates that quarantine can have negative psychological effects including anger and confusion, and in some cases, a person may experience symptoms of PTSD," says Newsweek David. Keats, psychiatrist and director of behavioral health at the University of Nebraska Medical Center (3)
“The factors that increase quarantine pressure include the length of quarantine, fear of infection, boredom, insufficient supplies, insufficient information, and financial loss. Being in a small space for a much longer period of time under stressful conditions means more Opportunities to amplify positive and negative dynamics. Relationships with a strong foundation will continue and may flourish, while relationships with weak negotiating skills, destructive communication, and underestimation are likely to end under pressure. " Keats recommends some strategies for managing stress during quarantine, which include:
* Finding the facts and trying to understand the actual danger, the media coverage and the headlines may make the personal danger seem worse than it really is. The facts must be obtained from a reliable source such as the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), or the local official authorities.
* Reducing media consumption and being limited to 30 minutes in the morning and evening instead of reading headlines or following the news throughout the day.
* Communicate with others who can provide social support, so you can communicate via phone, email, social media and text messages.
* Having good and healthy food, and getting enough sleep.
* Exercise physical, and learn skills that can manage stress, such as deep breathing, muscle relaxation or mental meditation.
As for Dr. Orna Jornik, a licensed therapist for marital counseling at the Showtime Center, he says: "We can expect marital relations to go during the quarantine period as follows: It begins with a honeymoon period, where people stick together and try to make the best use of it, or even enjoy it, Then a lot of conflict will arise, no matter how much you try to avoid and avoid it, and here the logical question becomes: How is it solved? (6)
To maintain marital relations during the quarantine time, one of the most important things is the structure of the day and determining the things you want to do during your day
The answer according to Jornic is clear, which is: "You should try to take care of as much as possible yourself, try to notice when you drop your own problems on the other person or withdraw it to something that belongs to you and is not responsible for it, and the amount you try to meet your needs, try also to understand Your partner's motivations and needs, give your partner a good dose of effective listening, and try to weave a good and positive communication between you, so what we cannot solve problems is that we indulge feelings, ego, much more than our interest in reaching conflict resolution.
To preserve marital relations during the quarantine time, Jornick says: "One of the most important things is the structure of the day and determining the things you want to do during your day, that is, setting a structure for the day. Through this structure you know when a specific unit of time begins and when it ends, even if it is an order. Just as artificially as doing some reading between 2 pm and 4 pm, then watching TV, or playing with your pet, likewise, you can design a structure for the time you spend with your partner and the time you will spend alone. "
"These limits are made by everyone for themselves, and they differ from one person to another. What makes a person feel better, he may not work the same positively with another person, we must understand that, especially in dealing with a life partner, we are different people who have different needs." And it is important for us to be able to do things differently, so make your decisions for yourself, not for your partner, if he wants to join he will be great, but if he does not want to join, it may also be good, because we need to set limits during this extension The Endless Mysterious Time, And Anything That Can Create Differentiation, Boundaries, or Difference Between Times Different day will be useful to us now, mental health and the health of our marital and family. "
If you can do something educational with your child every day, then you're doing amazing work, and that's really enough, and the rest is about spending time well.
But what when the boundaries between husbands overlap because of being in one place all the time, for example the husband wants to watch TV while the wife wants to read a book quietly, Jornick says: “Ideally, the best way, if you have the luxury and the means, is to be in Separate spaces; one goes to the bedroom, one goes to the kitchen. If you can't do that, there are things like headphones or earplugs, to create artificial borders, the best advice is to solve it yourself and not ask your partner to solve it for you. From home and you need to focus and block the sounds around you need to use earplugs Ears or headphones, or even go to the bathroom and sit down and write there. "
The presence of children may increase the burden on the couple and the conflict between them, and Jornick says about this: “The special structure of the day is very beneficial to children as well, children may benefit a lot from knowing when the time comes to do a certain thing and when the time comes to finish it, the structure may give children a sense of stability because ثابت ويمكن التنبؤ به، ومن الأشياء الأخرى التي تخلق ضغوطا على الأزواج في حال وجود أطفال هو أنه بما أن الأطفال لا يذهبون إلى المدرسة، فهناك شعور ضخم بالمسؤولية، يشعر الآباء بأنه من المفترض أن يكونوا بديلا عن المدرسة بطريقة أو بأخرى. ورغم كل شيء يفعلونه ، يشعرون بالذنب بسبب إحساسهم بالShort, here you must try to reduce expectations, you will not suddenly be able to play the full role of the school! If you can do something educational with your child every day, you are doing amazing work, and that is really enough, and the rest is related to spending time well and discovering a way to be a family together. "