“Frustrated, conceited, and you don't like anything.” What if you were the bad person among your comrades without knowing?

Click to listen

"Oftentimes I don't say things out loud; even when I have to do this, I rather involve myself divided into multiple degrees of anxiety, which make me feel that my stomach is filled with hundreds of bottles filled with anger, despair, and fear. But when you look at my face you will not Guess all this

Gillian Flynn, the missing wife (Gone Girl)

In a superior cinematic plot, the movie "The Missing Wife" (Gone Girl) comes to pull the single rug under marital relations, and to reveal a lot that was not fixed on the rug. It is common knowledge that the husband is the strongest, dominant in the relationship, and able to deal with brutality sometimes, but in the film we see the wife who mastered the art of being between extreme genius and madness. This is an issue raised since the Greek theater in BC, which considered that women have a terrible ability to explode and destroy, which makes them able to take two roles at once: the perpetrator and the victim. As a viewer, oscillating between the judgment of the quiet pet husband as the evil party, or the fear of the cunning wife the victim sees, to discover at the end of the 145 minutes that everything I thought was not real as I saw!

Human relationships are sometimes not without falsehood, regardless of the name or form of the relationship. The sick relationship bowl - specifically - contains many causes, which can be considered convincing if it is from the party complaining about the relationship, and who accuses the other of infinite causes; which, in turn, has led to the level of validity of the relationship. But, let us set an example of a sick relationship - we are not a party to it, but it failed; we considered that we are playing the role of a friend who listens to all of these reasons, to clash with the reasons presented by the two parties appear convincing in its entirety, but no party sees it as the biggest offender! And by analogy with ourselves, when can we consider our behaviors or behaviors with others to be the bad fist in the relationship, without denying or falsifying; what if we - the poisonous party that everyone seeks to amputate in relations and distance from it, what if we were the perpetrator and the victim?

What are we doing wrong?

"The poisonous people bind themselves as cylindrical blocks that wrap around your ankle, and then they simply invite you to swim in their toxic waters."

(John Mark Green)

We all agree that the opinions of others about us do not concern us with the way it affects the functioning of our lives, but it is also necessary to pay attention to the way others respond to our actions, which may inform us of something that we neglected as we walked. Naturally, we tend to maintain good relations with those around us, and we do not think twice about withdrawing if we feel that those who share the relationship with us are psychologically harmful, or toxic to our times and days. The collective response to our individual actions leads us in one way or another to get to know "who we are", it is an invitation to dive seriously into self-awareness, to realize the pattern of responses that introduce us to ourselves. First of all, it would be a good sign to admit that you need to read the following, and this shows your willingness to ask about the mistake you are making, because the most toxic people among us are also the least aware of themselves, they are the last to admit that there is a problem - either them or them - mainly. (1)

The task of maintaining a successful and healthy relationship is not easy at all, and we make it more difficult if we fail to determine the reason that is tearing it apart, and makes it shaky and fragile. We also agree that the first thresholds in the ladder of reform are to capture the first cause that has spread in the relationship as a whole. If all questions indicate question marks towards you, do not be alarmed. Fortunately, there are answers to all these questions. You have always recognized that there are people who are toxic in your relationships, and you have acted wise that called you to sever the relationship - with that person - completely from your life, and to maintain a positive atmosphere around you. This may be appropriate for your role towards yourself if you learn from some signs that you are yourself the person you have to deal with. (2) (3)

Your world revolves around your partner: if the central point in your life is your partner, and you invest all of your energy and time by forgetting yourself, and forgetting that there is life outside the framework of this relationship, you lead the relationship to the abyss. The rule says: To have a healthy relationship you must give yourself a time of freedom, and live independently outside of any relationship. In other words, you don't have to follow every step they take and monitor their daily affairs. (4)

You can easily utter harmful words when you are angry: words, from the most powerful and painful of weapons. Even if you don't mean what you say, and even if you have all the arguments hiding behind your anger, words have a strong impact that will cause a deep, painful emotional scar on the other side. Never say anything that you do not mean, if you think that the pain will go away after a sincere apology is given, you are wrong. (5)

Take the initiative to break off relations when things do not go as you want: separation may not mean most of the time, even if you initiate this proposal, but rather everything is that you want to get the reaction you want to hear. Most people do this because they need the feeling that reassures, or that they are still desirable, but these are selfish reasons, repeating them frequently tortures the other side. (6)

Don't know when or how to apologize: It is nice for a person to have the courage to admit his mistake. Having the ability to express regret is a good addition to all human relationships in all their names. And the opposite is true if there is a lack of this ability, the matter is that simple - unfortunately - not everyone implicitly recognizes the importance of the word "sorry". (7)

You do not have real friendships: This is something that prevents people from approaching you, so that you make them spend a lot of effort to get close to you, which is bad in itself, and it prevents people from developing their relationships with you, you are hanging red flags on the gate of friendships, and this is what leads to keep People at a distance from your flags. (8)

You are a friend of good weather: if you are one of the people who appear in the lives of others only in case you need something, or if the opposite person has achieved an achievement or success or has become famous or rich, then you are heading to the arid desert in your life that is completely devoid of friends! (9)

Frustration of others sends a good feeling in yourself: some people choose their words with the aim of making those who listen to them feel the smallness of their position, its lack of importance, such as unnecessary comments, and aggressive negative laughter that mocks their troubles or difficult times. These technologies are not needed by self-confident people to feel good about themselves. People may not realize that your behavior indicates a lack of self-confidence, but they will gradually realize that being around you consumes them and poisons their time. (10)

You think that your opinion only matters: the feeling of empathy for a friend is one of the most important advantages of a good friend, certainly it is a good thing to be open to listening to the views of others that may differ from your view of things. But if you are stubborn and strive to make the point of view a challenge that you must win, friends or family may decide that you are not a person who deserves the tension that arises from your discussions, and they will definitely take the initiative to retire any discussion with you, or even consult you, or listen to your point of view. (11)

Forget to appreciate things: gratitude is important to the people around us, just as it is easy to focus on the negatives of others, it is also necessary that this focus is offset by some gratitude for the positive aspects that deserve thanks for their presence in the atmosphere of the relationship or outside. You will be surprised by the reaction that you will receive because you took a little time to say "Thank You". (12)

After cognition comes a recovery

"In fact, the most difficult part of realizing that you are in a psychologically harmful relationship is admitting that you are the worst party."

(Anna Akana, letters to my little sister)

To be a good person does not mean to be a perfect person. We all make - at times - some unwise decisions, we harm those we love, and we utter some offensive phrases unintentionally, but we learn and grow through our experiences and the chaos that we caused. In a blog written by a writer called Dragos Roua, she says: “While I was on my way home, I passed by a troublesome, ugly, and poisonous truck. The exhaust was by my side, and even if my windows were closed I would be breathing poisonous gas. After a few meters I passed it - Quite narrowly - I involuntarily directed my mirror in a way that would allow me to see the driver; he was calm, and it seemed that he had no problem with the toxic gases that emitted from him, but he basically did not know that he was poisonous and carried many of the toxins left behind behind him. We were people who poison others' lives without knowing it! ” (13)

Are you a poisonous person? It is not the end of the world. The good news is that awareness is the first step to changing something. Especially if you are willing to be honest and honest with yourself to make some rather drastic changes, this will enable you to create healthier relationships and friendships (14) (15). In her book "Help, I'm the poisonous person in my relationship, how do I change?" Relationship coach Leslie Freneck salutes everyone who has reached the realization of being toxic, recognizing his need for change, and providing initial advice to surrounding yourself with those friends who you can admit before you that you need to change, and that change is only done with your support. When we invite people we trust to join us on the path of self-change, we are likely to acquire double self-awareness because we are not alone, and share a personal story that, when she realized that she was the mother of her children, she recognized and confronted her children, while allowing them to express their opinion about her behavior. Who was filled with anger and screaming all the time, and one of them answered, "Mom, I am afraid of you."

This prompted her to control herself every time she feels that she is about to scream, she remembers that she will be the fear factor that her child fears, and that she never aspired to be such a fearful person. In another way, tell us: Face those who hurt you, or you cause them so much harm, and leave them room for rest. (16) It also explains that it is possible that your toxicity is deposits from your childhood that were not good, and it says: “The hurt person is the one who has been hurt repeatedly.” We are hurt if we feel pain on ourselves, when this pain is outside our conscious awareness, then Our negative reactions to life seem spontaneous and beyond our ability to change or control. It is important to review what happened in our childhood - if it happened - to get as much information as possible about ourselves and "why?" We act like this, and if we fail to reach those old, worn out threads, then the reaction of others to our actions must be the key to the door that we lost as we grew up.

Acknowledge the error, apologize, take responsibility for your mistakes, stop complaining and blame others, and be honest with yourself to take correct, not "easy" actions. Realizing that you are poison may make you feel completely destroyed and unloved, and that's what you don't want to feel! Do not hate yourself, at the end of the day; you are just another human being - who lives on the surface of this planet - making every effort to get better. Failed in a relationship, friendship, marriage? It does not matter, the important thing is to admit that you bear a lot on your shoulders, you cannot wait and waste more time to realize that your failure or mistakes will have a logical meaning in the future. Do not freeze at the point of error, acknowledge it and make the necessary change. You have to choose the ends that are right for you, which you want, that realize between you and yourself that you have done your best towards your friends and loved ones. We are not talking about our huge, overwhelming and most shameful failures because we do not want to confess what you reveal about us, but here lies the option - and you have to decide - after every failure, every defeat, every mistake that changes life will paint what kind of person you are, and what kind of person You, and whatever kind of person you are - are finally ready to be.