• When is it known that the relationship is over?

Fear, insecurity, sadness ... When a couple makes the decision to separate a cascade of very painful feelings emerges that, in some occasions, causes a vertiginous flight forward. In a vain attempt that everything ends as soon as possible , rash decisions can be made.

There is no standard protocol on how to proceed with this decision. Each family is unique and goes through the process in a very different way. For this reason, it is essential to advise well, both legally and psychologically , to carry out this process in the least painful way.

Just as a wedding requires planning, a divorce also involves the fulfillment of phases that should not be 'skipped'. One of the most important is, without a doubt, the time to communicate it to the children .

All children are affected by their parents' divorce . Be as old as you are. Therefore, when communicating it, we must take into account its degree of maturity, its age and its temperament .

The news must be communicated jointly. It is vital to make them understand that what has happened is not their fault and that their parents will continue to love them despite having decided to continue their lives separately because their love is unconditional.

The couple should not argue during the conversation nor enter a spiral of reproaches and personal disqualifications.

It is essential to let the children talk to express their emotions and thoughts, give them the opportunity to express all the doubts or concerns that may arise in this new situation: "Do you want to tell us something? What do you worry? How do you feel?" .

However, it is convenient to save the 'rough' details. If there is any information that cannot be shared, they can be told that for now it is not for them to know it.

How do you explain to a child that their parents will no longer live together? First, we must be very clear about the decision and avoid any kind of confrontation with the children.

When the time comes, it is important that both parents are present and that the one who is stronger emotionally takes the floor. "Children, mom and dad have to tell you one very important thing. So we all go to the living room to sit all together. Mom and dad no longer agree on many things and we have realized that we are no longer happy being together So, we are going to live apart from each other and be just friends. But this does not change the fact that we will both continue to be your parents and that we will continue to love you as before. "

It is convenient to clarify who is going to be the one who is going to leave the original family home, when it is going to do it and how it will be carried out: "... So, next Monday, Mom is going to live in the new apartment and this weekend we will be making the move ... "

Also explain how the visit regime will be to avoid, as far as possible, the uncertainty: "From now on, what we are going to do is that every week you will be with one of us. In addition, we have decided that each Thursday you will spend the afternoon and have dinner with the one who is not spending the week. But, you can call us at any time. Do not forget that we still love you as usual and that we will always be your parents ... ".

Giving them the opportunity to choose some of the furniture in the new house can be a positive strategy to normalize the new family situation. "You are going to have your own room and if you think, we can go together to choose things to decorate it."

Children must be very clear that their emotions are very important to their parents and that nothing bad happens if they ever cry or miss one of their parents. In fact, they will be very relieved that they can call the other parent when they don't meet him. In this way, they are being helped to legitimize their own emotions and name them.

Obviously, divorce is a very complicated time for the couple who decides to separate. Therefore, it is essential that parents learn to manage all their emotions and find effective ways to cope with stress. In this way, they can help and relieve their children's pain much more effectively.

So that the effects of divorce are the least possible on the minor, it is recommended:

1. Prioritize the welfare and care of the child.

2. Take into account the child's evolutionary moment, since the way to face it will be different in each age.

3. Reduce uncertainty in children. That is why it is very important to explain and answer all your questions about what will happen in the following months.

4 . Reiterate that, despite the separation, both parents will continue to love their children and that nothing will change in this regard.

5. Avoid disqualification towards the other parent by parents and family members.

What symptoms can alert us that separation is affected more than it seems ? The news that parents are going to divorce has a great impact on children because it is an unknown and disconcerting situation for children of all ages and that their emotional security is compromised.

The effects can manifest themselves very differently depending on the age of the children :

Under three years : children are immersed in the acquisition of countless evolutionary milestones. Therefore, this process may show psychomotor difficulties, lack of sphincter control or sleep disturbances, delay in speech ... Therefore, it is essential to allow contact with both parents and set limits.

From three to five years: they begin to develop their imagination, tell stories etc. They also think that everything that happens is related to them. For this reason, it is very important that the explanations be simple, concrete, short and clear. In addition, it is essential to correct any misinterpretation that is formed about the divorce and insist that the divorce is not your fault and that your parents will always love you.

From five to eight years: they are already more aware of their emotions and of others. For this reason, they may have more emotional symptoms. Now they have a greater capacity to understand divorce, although they do not usually express it for fear of not worrying their parents and fears of rejection and abandonment usually appear. Therefore, it is important to emphasize that although they are going to separate, their parents will still love him and that they will never leave him, but that they will not be together again as a couple.

From nine to 12 years : it is more difficult for guilty feelings to appear, since they see divorce as something they cannot control. However, at these ages it is very important to show the affection of both parents and not express negative aspects of the other because with these it is normal to position themselves on the part of one parent or another, depending on the type of bond they may have formed. It is also important to maintain contact with the school to report the situation and reinforce their learning achievements.

Adolescents: they can have very different and even contradictory reactions. It is not surprising that there are children who can face divorce in a very mature way and others in a very childish way. However, it is important not to turn the child into the new partner or hold him responsible for the emotions of the parents. It is very important that you continue to see both parents to conform their identity as a person.

However, all these symptoms usually disappear once the whole family has adapted to the new family situation. However, if these symptoms persist over time it would be advisable to consult with a professional.

Alba María García Rasero is a general health psychologist (collegiate M-32464) of the Center for Clinical Psychology.

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