I met Sara Danius for the first time in the spring of 2010. We were a few who would talk about education at Södertörn University. I was quite happy with my lecture myself, and to be perfectly honest, I probably thought I was a bit of a passionate treasure among the highly educated Hermelines, the one who stood for the emotion while the others stood for reason.
After me, Sara Danius spoke. And I know it sounds flat, but I can't describe it in any other way than I was completely… unprepared . Unprepared for how floored I would be. Of her presence. Of her words. Not only was it wise and well-worded what she said, it was fun, it was moving. It was outstanding. It went straight into both the brain and the heart. It was like falling in love. Or saved.
After that, I decided that she must become my friend. And it was not a question to ask kindly, it just has to be so. I wanted to hear her speak again. About literature. About life. About lipstick. I was greedy on her brain. Proud to be in her company.
When I think of Sara , I think of attitude. I was impressed with both her exterior and her inner attitude. Of her intellect and her civil courage. She was razor sharp. She was funny. She was handsome. She had an attitude, a strength, which I admired immensely. Never sentimental yet empathetic. Never flattering, yet diplomatic. Fearless and indomitable. Sometimes she could scare me with her accuracy. She could open my eyes and ask: What do you mean now? when I wandered astray. And I sometimes felt fuzzy and vague beside her crystal clearness. But that was my problem. Never her. She liked us, we who had to be her friends, for who we were. Not for the ones we wanted to appear as.
I've been thinking about how to write this. And IF I should write this. What is private grief and what is public. What I have the right to say and feel when there are so many others who are grieving now. Her son. Her family. Her closest friends.
Sara was a woman of high integrity. But she was also a woman who was easy to enjoy and had easy to enjoy back. And we are many who liked Sara a lot.
I'm writing this because I think Sara wouldn't mind if I rated her my love and respect in public. I just hope I made it private too. Or. I know I did. There is a possibility that I did it to a rather high degree even. I was always a friend and crazy fan in one and the same.
I hate that I have to write this text in the preteritum. I miss her.