"Have you ever wondered how you kill yourself without dying? It's simple; I love someone who doesn't love you."

(Faraz Kazi, Indian writer)

"Write to me, why don't you write?", "I want to read from you!", "Please, write to me." This is what we read - almost - and we are accustomed to its pattern in each of Ghassan Kanafani's letters to Ghada Al-Samman. He underestimated the suffering of feelings that were met with coldness, ignoring the disinterest that was not commensurate with what Ghassan was trying to conceal or hide between the lines. Although we have not read the whole truth, Ghada's responses to him, the general nature of his letters shows great love and begging, which Ghada did not share. He explicitly wrote to him that he knew his friends and those around him looked at the love that was overflowing with her, and mocked them, because she paid no attention to him. In the last pages of this book, written by Ghada El-Samman, some excerpts and critical opinions were appended to 220 writers and writers, one of which was Dr. Abdul Majeed Zarqat:

"In these threads (letters and introduction) the fabric of a relationship bearing some of the features of Shahriar and Shahrazad in one thousand and one nights, with the exchange of roles. It is women, in this fabric, bridges the gap with men."

(Lebanese magazine, Al-Bilad, October 1992)

Love, the search for the other half, an idea rising in the ladder of melodies and melodies, dancing in the alphabet of poems, writings and spinners, and blending in the colors of paintings. Philosophers had opinions and concepts in love (1), Plato (2) believed that the search for love is half looking for the other half, Socrates gives love elevated and holy status, and believes that the love that ends was not love at all. He agrees with this view Ibn Hazm Al-Andalusi, says in his book "collar the dove in intimacy and thousands": "All races of love, which is based on sensory benefits quickly disappear and expire after the expiration of their ills, but the love of true love is possible in the soul is not perished except death." . "Love is a relationship that expresses two bodies in one spirit," says Aristotle. All these concepts and definitions of the visions of philosophers and writers about love, and justify his torment, do we find among them what defines love unilaterally? Can it be considered love from the ground up?

Six pillars complete without decrease!

"In love we are like children, we do not think well or endure, delight in attention and weep neglect"

(William Shakespeare)

In an interview with Meydan, Dr. Ibrahim Bouzidani, a professor and researcher in psychology, asked about one-sided love - exclusively - how we can define or understand it, and whether it is real love of a particular kind, or are it feelings hiding under a concept other than the love?

Bouzidani begins with his answer, considering that psychologists believe that love has six pillars: exchange, loyalty, familiarity, continuity, trust, and attention. Any lack of one of these elements reflects a lack of relationship essentially, ie: imperfect love. By analogy with "love from one side", the shortage is clear, because the quality of the exchange is absent, and the attention paid by one party to the other without receiving the same is absent. As for continuity, Dr. Bouzidani says: "We can conclude that one-sided love is an incomplete love relationship."

Dr. Bouzidani then proceeds to review the composition of this form of love, and the reasons that lead to the individual to find himself in a one-sided love relationship, where he points out that the first reason is due to the different aspirations between the parties, it is possible that one of the parties looking forward to the end of this relationship to marriage, while he sees The other is a relationship that is destined to end. Varying aspirations between the parties would create a gateway that makes the flow of emotions flow from one side to the other. And then move on for the second reason; the desire of the party loves more feelings, revealing, openness from the other party. That is, he tries hard to stabilize one of the above-mentioned pillars, asking for more attention and exchanging feelings, while the other party chooses to retain his feelings, or to walk at a slower pace.

Dr. Meydan goes on to tell Meydan about the third reason, which is related to the personality of the individual himself, it may have a psychological composition that makes him - unintentionally - fall into this type of relationships, such as anxious personality whose owners suffer from anxiety and distrust towards their relationships in general, and also the reluctant personality Unable to make decisions individually. He adds that unilateral love can be a stage in the development of full-fledged love.

The road to the "trap"!

"What saddest measurable love!"

(William Shakespeare)

Dr. Bouzidani explains to Meydan that unilateral love is not created in a moment, but progresses through several stages, which can be considered as contributing factors to the emergence of such a relationship:

* The existence of continuous communication between the parties, and may not be aimed at building an emotional relationship, but for another reason.

* This type of communication develops to affect both sides of the relationship, such as control of behavior, where the behavior of one party affects the feelings of the other.

* The difference between the two parties that makes the exchange of benefits between them is desirable.

* Finally, the length of communication.

These phases create a tacit agreement between the parties stipulating that such contact should be maintained, and any breach of this agreement may create a severe emotional reaction. The specialists studied these stages and found that they lead to five different types of non-reciprocal relationships:

- Meeting an inappropriate person: for example, a student likes her teacher or a student, which creates a completely unequal (social) relationship. Because of this inequality, emotions come across a barrier that makes getting close to the other side difficult and complicated. Usually, the person who loves - in this relationship - tends to follow the news of the other party remotely, to satisfy his feelings, and may even reach the stage of satisfaction so much.

- Inequality in feelings: In this type there is a relationship, but the volume of feelings and emotion exerted by the parties is not convergent or equal or balanced.

- Non- disclosure : If a person deals with a colleague or colleague or a close person and develops his feelings towards the other without disclosing this development. On the face of it a relationship of friendship, but it carries a deep form of love. Because it is a relationship of friendship, and it is close to it, the person does not need to reveal, which is known as "Platonic love" and a little away from love unilaterally. (3) But continuing to develop feelings of closeness and friendship to the love of one party is what can be considered a love of one party.

- Reaction of the other party: This kind of love can represent a stage in the development of the relationship, as one of them initiates the disclosure of the feelings that he has for the other, and the relationship - thus disclosure - move from the rank of friendship to beyond. The problem here relates to the reaction of the advertiser to him, such as ashamed to say: No, to contribute to the construction of such a relationship.

- Seek to renew an old love relationship: this type is the one that torments a lot. In this case, the person tends to remember the positives that were collected by the old party, which leads him to seek to find a way to revive the relationship as it was before.

To complete the last point, Dr. Bouzidani tells Meydan that scientists call this a state of frustration. The individual seeks to repeat all attempts to reach his goal by reviving an old relationship and retrieving an old lover with all the positives without paying attention to the negatives. This unsuccessful repetition may create more frustration, and the individual is caught in a vicious cycle of futile attempts with the old lover.

Dominance of scenarios

"Beware of chasing love, if it is not given freely it has no value"

(Paulo Coelho)

In a question to the doctor about the possibility of assuming some scenarios in the imagination of the individual who needs emotion or resorted to and fabricated to explain the reasons for drifting behind the unilateral mutual emotions, Dr. explains to Meydan that this has two psychological dimensions; the first psychological aspect is that Man - usually - if he enters into this type of relations resort to translate normal behaviors needed translation and fill the need for him, and set an example: to drop the pen of the person who gives emotion, and the second person to pick up the pen normally, although he acted Normal and human behavior can any piss If he or she is acting against a friend or colleague, the person in need of emotion will translate this behavior as interest or exchange of feelings, and any normal behavior of the other party can be translated into an emotional scenario that fills an emotional gap.

Another psychological dimension that makes a person interpret ordinary behaviors as "love" is the individual's quest to maintain self-esteem, as he fears losing his self-esteem due to non-reciprocal or unacceptable feelings, and then tries to interpret ordinary behaviors as proximity, i.e. As a gateway to enhance his feelings. To compensate for this internal refraction, it seeks a positive interpretation of the other party's behavior in order to maintain its self-esteem. These two psychological dimensions are a greater motivation for a person to continue to look for ways to reach a map that leads them to the heart of the other.

A solution?

"Claiming love is worse than hatred"

(Paul Valerie)

At the end of his dialogue with Meydan , Dr. Ibrahim Bouzidani explains the mechanisms of exit from these relationships. He refers to two mechanisms, the preventive level mechanism, which is the awareness of the individual about the nature of his psychological structure, whether he is hesitant in his decisions; Or is he anxious, unable to be psychologically stable after making his decisions? Because a person's knowledge of his psychological structure may be a very important precautionary approach before any emotional relationship is built with a second party. As another preventive measure, Dr. Bouzidani proposes that a person be promoted by identifying some personal, practical or social goals, which in turn will help them to overcome such emotional crises.

The therapeutic mechanism is divided into two parts, the first at the beginning of the relationship: If a person begins to feel that he is living this kind of love, he should try to break the relationship directly by moving away so as not to develop. As mentioned earlier, one of the reasons for the emergence of this problem is the continuity in dealing with the other party. It is good to try to get busy with his own projects, and he can turn to a close friend or person to give him initial support or counseling. The second section of therapy is in the advanced stages of the emotional problem, and is divided into three sections:

- The cognitive side: to break the ideas that he built about the other person, if this person is considered appropriate, or as the other half, it must deepen in the roots of his perceptions, until it reaches a moment back to reality, away from the imagination. And to ask himself: Do you accept to love without charge?

- Behavioral aspect: the exercise of some health activities (such as: sports), these practices renew mental energy.

- The psychological aspect: trying to focus on what to do now, and not to live in what we felt and enjoyed in the past, but to live the instant moment, and build a positive feeling about ourselves and our abilities, and retain hope, losing the relationship does not mean losing the world.

In some cases, a person is not able to apply all of the above self-help, and then needs to seek the help of a psychiatrist who helps, supports and motivates him to realize his strengths and build hope, and all this will help him to enter into a more healthy and healthy relationship.

How does your brain fall in love?

"The whole disaster was over-over, over-hope, in love, in expectations, waiting, in everything"

(Ahmed Khaled Tawfiq)

After reading all of the above, one finds himself able to slip under the gates of misunderstanding and translate the feelings of others, and would also make us afraid to enter into an abusive love relationship that we had not planned or did not intend. On the TED platform, biologist Don Masler (4) stands to give a lecture entitled "How does your brain fall in love?" (5) and says that there are many chemical processes occurring within your body, increasing a certain hormone and becoming more aggressive, For 12 minutes she explained what neuroscience found to solve the mystery of love, and the result was that her 95-year-old grandmother said it was true. .

To take our time to understand what we feel, and to understand the intentions of the other side towards us. As Dr. Ibrahim Bouzidani concludes a talk to Meydan , one-sided love is an internal war, a struggle between emotions of turnout and emotions of reluctance, a war between self-upgrading and wasting time in repeated, unsuccessful attempts to reach a party we will not reach. It is a situation in which we lead ourselves to break our hearts and thoughts. There is a party that gives everything, as opposed to a party that does not give, even if given, very little. In the end, one-sided love is a shattering of an individual, of his abilities and of social relationships that he will neglect in order to devise a new way of convergence.He is willing to spend all his energy to map the way to the other party, which is facing difficulties, barriers and rejection. So why all this? Certainly there are those who are paving the way for us to walk in balance as befits the relationships to be.