SPIEGEL WISSEN has developed an eight-week nursing coaching program, which helps to accompany old parents competently. This is the seventh part. The other parts can be found here.
Over the past few weeks, the goal of this coaching has been to get a clearer view of the topic of "When Parents Get Old." If children try to introduce innovations with their parents that are supposed to relieve mother and father, there are often setbacks, refusals and misunderstandings. This unit discusses ways to handle it.
These are three typical "stumbling blocks" that almost always appear in some form when adult children try to build a support system for older parents, strengthen ties or make everyday life easier.
1. "You only want my money."
Adult children caring for their needy parents often complain of mistrust and lack of appreciation. Many parents are suspicious of innovations, be it a bathroom remodeling or hiring a home help. Fear and suspicion are often expressed in comments such as "You only want my money" or "You want to deport me to the home". These reactions are hurtful. It can come quickly to the dispute. What to do?
Try to see what lies behind such statements of the parents. Often it is the fear of being dependent and being ignored because you are old. Or a mistrust acquired in the years of war and post-war, to be deceived and overemphasized by others. Try talking about these points.
Very important: Even if you are rightfully offended, do not try to react with "love withdrawal". Please postpone a continuation of the conversation explicitly to a future date: "Maybe we can talk about it again next month". Keep firm agreements and appointments just continue.
2. "I do not have any money for the taxi."
Although many have driven their own cars, some of them expensive ones, for decades: If you suggest that older people who are no longer safely in the driver's seat take a taxi for shopping or driving to the choir rehearsal, they often refuse. They feel they have "no money for it".
This irrational, "stingy" attitude is widespread among today's 70-, 80-, or 90-year-olds because they were often forced to thrift in their childhood and youth, as well as in early adulthood. However, because parents do not want to spend money on trains, taxis, restaurant visits, support services and domestic help, they complicate their everyday lives - or even become immobile. What to do?
Try to argue in a humorous way. For example, say that you spend five Euros per piggy bank or similar. On the other hand, do not force anything and stay patient. The parent generation often has very different habits and standards, especially if they do not live in a big city.
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How we can accompany our parents in old age
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3. "That's still good."
When trying to liberate the house from stumbling blocks and dust collectors with the parents, or to make room through a new division of the rooms, it is often about the question of what things can be separated.
Many parents are very hesitant here. Instead of "less is more", they have a "that one can still use" mentality. Thus, parents involuntarily torpedo spatial and organizational innovations. What to do?
Again, patience helps. While you can make your own point of view clear, you should accept what can be achieved. In general, trying out new things in everyday life of old parents is a process of trial and error. Experiment, explore what works, what feels surprisingly good, what can be easily implemented and what may not work well. If it does not work, let your parents have their things and their old order.
Read more about this topic at SPIEGEL +:
Polish assistant at home: Our angel was named Danuta
For those who do not need this exercise because their own parents are still very independent, they have a break this week. Maybe you use them to further strengthen the relationship culture in your family. How about visiting your parents out of turn or writing a postcard? Just for the fun of it.
We wish you courage and joy on the way to new plans and solutions with your parents.
Your SPIEGEL KNOW-TEAM team
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