Some mornings start better than others. For example, the other day when my daughter with Down syndrome first asked me to hug and then showered me with kind words.
“Great dress, Mom!” she said and beamed at me. “Great braid!”, “Great hair!”, “Smells good!” she enthused as we hugged each other. “Great nose!” and “Great mouth!” she declared as we kissed each other.
While I barely kept up with the thanks, the aria of compliments started again shortly afterwards. When I heard “Great dress!” for the third time, I realized that it was a bit much for me.
And I wondered how our daughter feels when we keep telling her how good she is on skis, how well she can read letters and how pretty the new glasses look after the old ones are actually in the river forever landed. You won't believe it: This happened shortly after I reported to you that the phase fairy had been merciful and ended the glasses throwing phase. So much for the topic of non-linear development, which my colleague Malte Müller-Michaelis recently wrote about: Two steps forward, one step back. But actually I wanted to tell something different.
So I asked myself how what initially sounds nice is received by others. Because I have to admit, one of the reasons I described the new glasses as “pretty” so penetratingly and exuberantly was because I hoped that compliments would keep them on the nose for longer.
And the immediate, explicit praise after a recognized “A”, “M” or “L” actually has the effect that our daughter stays on task and makes learning progress. Simply put: the reward principle works. And yet, in the course of our “therapy life,” which is what you lead as a mother with a child with disabilities, we have already changed therapists because the behavior therapy we were practicing was slipping too much into the direction of mouse training for me – if I may be polemical for a moment.
My reading tips
It's an interesting psychological area, this area of praise and compliments that we all like to hear, of appreciation and recognition that we all need, and - here comes an ugly word - of manipulation. The philosopher Alexander Fischer once explained to me in which situations we are particularly susceptible to manipulative sentences:
»People who are manipulated are often caught beyond a rational threshold of attention. This means that when we are under a lot of stress, when we are surprised by something, when we feel weak, are emotionally needy, feel like we have some obligation, or are faced with a recognized authority, we are more easily influenced. The more intimate the relationship, the more open and vulnerable we are and therefore more susceptible to manipulation.
The better you know someone, the better you know their weaknesses: “You know whether someone is more sensitive to guilt or receptive to motivating praise. You know what a person would like to be like, and if that’s not exactly what they’re like, you can start there.”
Why you should sit up and take notice when you hear the sentence at work: “You’re so good at it – can’t you take it on?”
How the desire for recognition drives us
But of course there is also real praise, which is given without ulterior motives, not for strategic reasons, but out of the need to show appreciation to the other person. If you would like to think more about people's basic need for recognition, listen to this podcast episode of "Living Smarter". My colleague Lenne Kaffka talked to the psychiatrist Reinhard Haller about the “appreciation crisis” in our society. According to Haller, everyone wants to get “emotional resonance”.
What is crucial when dealing with children is not to emphasize the result, but rather the effort. “With children and young people, it is very important to praise the path,” says Professor of Empirical Teaching-Learning Research Michaela Brohm-Badry, “and to focus on the effort: ‘I think it’s great how intensively you are involved “You stayed with the matter!”
Petra Maier's article "We think you're doing great today" mentions other interesting points, for example the fact that at some point the compliments get too much (it takes a long time) and that we do something good for ourselves by Do good for others: “Emotions are highly contagious,” explains Brohm-Badry. »By giving a warm-hearted compliment, we can also make ourselves happy.«
And then I would like to recommend this interview by my colleague Heike Le Ker, which is about arguments and reconciliation. Here, couples therapists Julie and John Gottman describe how to really get closer to each other in difficult situations using six questions. And recognition plays a role here too. Because, says Julie Gottman: “A compromise is not just about finding something meaningful together. It’s also about honoring each other’s dreams.«
The Last Judgement
To acknowledge both the effort and the result, it is customary for us to thank the cook. Because anyone who still turns up at the stove after a strenuous day between work and family or after a week that leaves you flat as a flounder definitely deserves recognition.
At our dinner table, the magic words are: "Thank you, Ray!" It's the version that comes from the mouth of our daughter, who has problems with the "K." We all say it now. Maybe the prospect of recognition will actually motivate me to cook this recipe from our cooking columnist Verena Lugert: a cucumber and salmon pot, a feast for the eyes in light green and rosé.
Even if that could cause linguistic confusion. Does “Thank you, ray!” become “Thank you, salmon!”?
My moment
I don't yet know what exactly is behind our daughter's complimentary aria. What is certain is that she says nice things when she is in a good mood and feels that the general mood is good. And I think she understood that compliments keep her spirits high. Finally, because I'm so grateful, I don't even have the time to get upset about anything else, such as glasses. I find that so clever that I would like to say: “Great job!”
A reader whose daughter doesn't think much of clothes told us about a phase that was just as stressful as throwing the glasses.
»Accordingly, we have the same phase every year when the first cooler days come. In the morning, she lies on the floor in front of daycare for an hour, angry, screaming or crying because no piece of clothing is right. (...) Then we read the idea of another mother who simply lets her child sleep in the clothes for the next day. Lo and behold, our daughter happily put on her clothes for the next day in the evening and woke up happy in the morning. After 4 weeks she got used to the warmer clothes and started getting dressed again in the morning."
Good trick! How do you feel about praise in your family? When do you praise and how often? And which praise did you not like so much when you took a closer look? Feel free to write it to me at familie@spiegel.de.
See you next time! I wish you wonderful Easter days!
Kind regards,
your Sandra Schulz