Possessive love consists of controlling children with irritation and anger for the most trivial reasons (Getty)
A mother’s love for her children is natural and innate, but if this love turns into something similar to “possessiveness,” it negatively affects the child’s personality and future life.
Some mothers tend to over-pamper their children and interfere in their decisions - with good intentions in most cases - which causes the children to be unable to rely on themselves and form their own independent entities, which leads to problems and crises getting worse as they grow older.
The love of possession, in its pathological and unbalanced form, is an impulsive, immature emotion governed by jealousy at times, and selfishness and self-centeredness at other times, as the person who loves possession firmly believes that giving is a special right for him only, and sacrifice must be for his sake only.
The mother must realize that the child’s needs differ at every age and avoid reaching the stage of “possessiveness” (Getty)
When a mother's love for her child turns into possession
Mental health and family guidance specialist Rita Samaha told Al Jazeera Net that a mother’s relationship with her son changes depending on his age. From a child, to a teenager, until he becomes a young man. “The mother must realize that each stage is different and has changing characteristics with different age stages. The child needs love, tenderness, and a sense of security from the mother, and this is normal, until he reaches school age.”
“And here his social life begins to change, as he begins to form friendships and has other activities. He begins to leave the embrace of his mother - where there is trust and security - to friends, school, a sport he enjoys, or a hobby he practices, so the mother no longer becomes the only source of love and affection for him. But she is the first love that he turns to in times of distress, to get her opinion on a problem or to help him in studying, and dependence on the mother begins to decrease with time.”
The psychologist adds, “As for the teenage journey, the son is completely removed from the family and prefers to rely on himself more, and wants to have his own personality and privacy, so here he is no longer as close to his mother as before, but on the contrary, he may become opposed to her opinion, and begins trying to prove himself and that he is different.” “This is the normal thing.”
But Rita explains that a mother's possessive love for her son; “Like intense love, excessive protection, pampering, and direct interference in his decisions and life - even marital life - this is very harmful.”
Rita Samaha: Extreme love, excessive protection, pampering, and direct interference in a child’s decisions is very harmful (Al Jazeera)
What are the signs of possessiveness in a mother?
There are many reasons that lead to a mother’s attachment to her son in this pathological way. She may have been spoiled when she was young and raised to have everything, or she may have been deprived of tenderness and love when she was young, and the husband also did not give her love and affection, so she resorts to making up for this deficiency with her children.
Below, we review the most important signs of possessiveness in the mother:
Extreme jealousy of children:
What is meant here is negative jealousy, which causes harm to children when they grow up and get married. Such as: a mother’s jealousy of her son’s wife, and trying to separate them.
Ignoring the desires of her children:
A selfish and domineering mother who does not care at all about her children’s desires or what they need, gives herself the right to resort to threats, beatings, or carrying out orders without thinking about their desires.
Controlling children financially and morally:
Possessive love consists of controlling children emotionally, physically, morally, and even financially, with irritation and anger for the most trivial reasons.
Education experts advise mothers to avoid violent interactions with children and stay away from cruelty (Getty)
How does a mother get rid of her love of possession?
According to mental health and family guidance specialist Rita Samaha, there are several ways to get rid of the love of possession, “and the mother must be convinced of the treatment that will improve her life for the better, and increase her love for her children and their love for her”:
Stop dealing violently with children:
Rather, they must be given a sense of confidence, progress, comfort, and security, and resort to the method of discussion, not issuing orders, and staying away from excessive cruelty that has negative consequences for male and female children. In this case, the mother is not considered a source of tenderness and security, and here containment is absent. The full meaning of the mother towards her children in the correct sense.
Educating the mother that the child is not a tool to fulfill her desires:
on the contrary, she must direct him towards what he loves instead of suppressing him; Such as: his love for a specific sport, and making him aware of avoiding selfishness and the desire to control what is around him.
Reminding the mother of her inability to change fate:
The mother must know that her tendency to possess will not prevent fate or decree from God, so she must remain in a state of reassurance, and not cling to the one she loves selfishly.
Reminding the mother that love is a beautiful feeling:
but it is not possession, and it is not the depersonalization of the other.
Resorting to specialists for help:
If previous attempts have not succeeded, seeking specialist help is still the solution.
It is necessary to understand the mother’s problem and the reason for her intense fear for her children in order to try to treat the condition of possessiveness (Getty)
Tips for dealing with a possessive mother
According to the “Our Very Day Life” website, writer Nicole Schmall says that a mother obsessed with the love of possession and control over her children, justifies herself as protecting them, helping them, performing her duty towards them, and obliging them to submit to her orders, but in reality she is raising children who are not confident in themselves and their abilities, and who have a weak personality. They are unable to integrate into society easily.
But how can one deal with a mother who has a love of possession and control? Here are some tips from author Nicole Schmall:
Knowing the reason for this domineering and possessiveness:
It is necessary to understand the mother’s problem and the reason for her intense fear for her children. She may have suffered from bad experiences at stages in her life, or she was raised in a controlling style, or she suffers from psychological problems, or certain disorders or anxiety.
It is important to be patient and intelligent with a possessive mother and confront her love of control calmly and patiently (Getty)
A relationship based on respect:
When children grow up, the relationship between them and their mother becomes tense, so it is necessary to maintain respect, adopt calm dialogue, and do so gently and politely.
Show your love and respect for her:
Explain to your mother that you can rely on yourself to make your decisions, and be confident in your steps. Take her advice and her opinion, and tell her that you cannot do without her. So be happy with your successes.
Convince her that you have made the decision and will not change it:
Convince her that she should understand your desires and your frankness. While not neglecting her advice, provided that this advice does not turn into tools of oppression and domination without any convincing reason.
It is necessary to resort to specialists for psychological treatment:
this relationship, “possessive love,” can develop for the worse, and the results will be negative.
Do not forget that the mother will remain your mother despite everything:
you must be patient and smart with her, and confront this control and tyranny with patience, for she will remain your mother.
Source: Al Jazeera + websites