"When it comes to your grades, how much your salary is, whether you can buy a house, and whether you have a partner, it feels like the whole world is in jeopardy." "Young people need guidance, but not from relatives who don't see them a few times throughout the year."...Another one As the year draws to a close, going back to your hometown to visit relatives has become a stressful experience for many young people.
The phenomenon of neglecting to have too many interactions with non-immediate relatives is called "disconnection" by some scholars. Have the new generation of young people really "cut off all ties"? Is it breaking "true family affection" or "fake goodwill"? From reconstructing kinship relationships, reshaping emotional bonds to providing growth support, only by understanding the deep meaning behind young people's "disconnection" can they promote their "return" after "running away".
Refuse to be the subject of comparison with elders
In 2024, the topic of young people "cutting off relatives" will continue. It seems that contemporary young people no longer attach importance to "blood relations", and some netizens have even begun to worry that the maintenance of traditional kinship relationships is facing a crisis of collapse. “There are no common topics and it’s very awkward to get along with each other” “Some relatives have no sense of boundaries and want to ask about everything and want to take care of everything” “Refuse to be a source of comparison for elders”... These messages reveal that young people choose to "cut off their relatives" more reasons for concentration.
Due to different growth environments and different things they are exposed to, today's young people have very different ways of thinking and doing things from older generation family members. What seems insignificant to you actually hurts me deeply; what seems important to you is actually very boring to me. "People's joys and sorrows are not the same" and "It's too much to say nothing", especially if the relationship is not that close, there is no need to tolerate it.
"My parents' generation used to live with relatives in the village when they were young, and we would meet and visit every once in a while. But I haven't seen many relatives from the previous generation, and people of my generation live from all over the world, so how much family ties can we have?" East China Wang Yiling, a student at Normal University, said.
A questionnaire survey conducted by Hu Xiaowu, a professor at the Department of Sociology of Nanjing University, further proves that "inherited unfamiliarity" is likely to be the prerequisite for young people to choose to "break off the relationship." The survey results show that among those under the age of 18, the proportion of "almost no contact with family unless there is something going on" is as high as 63.1%. Most of the post-90s young people aged 26 to 30 only have "occasional contact with relatives."
At the same time, the daily lives of Generation Z youth are highly dependent on the Internet, and their lifestyles are built around the Internet. The traditional kinship relationships, emotional ties, and social support systems upheld by their elders may not be irreplaceable in the eyes of contemporary young people.
Understand what young people are disgusted with
So, do today’s young people really “disown all their relatives”? This "hat" cannot be easily dismissed. As Wang Defeng, a professor at the School of Philosophy at Fudan University, said, the root cause of the so-called "disconnection" is social transformation, which is the collision between the rules of communication based on the modern contract spirit and the kinship relationships established on the basis of traditional clan ethics.
The latest data from the National Bureau of Statistics shows that China's urbanization rate will be 65.22% in 2022, while China's urbanization rate in 2000 was 36.22%. This means that in 22 years, more than 300 million people have moved from rural areas to cities and towns. A large number of people have left the countryside where they have lived for generations and started to go their separate ways. The traditional family structure is gradually being broken up. Young people no longer live in the same village like their parents did. or community.
Young people who grew up in the city return to the countryside to "go shopping" and feel uncomfortable so they keep a distance, which is understood by society as "breaking off ties". It’s not really broken, uncle is still uncle, aunt is still aunt, it’s just that they don’t easily recognize the authority in this kind of kinship relationship, and the ethical responsibilities that must be borne on this basis.
It is undeniable that contemporary young people are facing huge pressure from social competition and cannot take care of themselves. It is difficult for them to have the time and energy to communicate in depth with their seven aunts and eight aunts. At the same time, young people are more sensitive to the boundaries of social life, and traditional visits to relatives and chatting about home affairs have become a burden and even lead to unpleasant social experiences.
"We've obviously never met or chatted with each other a few times, but I asked you to explain all your personal privacy clearly from the very beginning." "On the surface, I care about you, but in fact, I compare my children with you crazily. You're all kinds of PUA." "It's okay that you have been successful, but once you fail, your relatives will flock to watch your jokes." "You say it's help, but in fact it makes the gesture look like charity. No matter what you do in the future, you will mention that small help. If you are not grateful enough, you will be called a white-eyed wolf"... Netizens believe that any relatives who behave in these ways can be included in the ranks of "unnecessary interactions".
In other words, it is not the kinship itself that is objectionable, but the disguised goodwill. What I dislike is bossing around, saying mean words, and doing mean things in the name of "for your own good." In many things, one simply has to do one's best and obey fate, or one may be overly prepared but unable to do so. Why would relatives bother to "watch the show" or "rubbing salt on the wound"?
As Hu Xiaowu pointed out in his research, psychological imbalance caused by demolition, borrowing, property inheritance, family comparison, etc., has gradually made the "conflict of interest" between relatives exceed the proportion of "interest link". Especially the comparison between relatives has destroyed the family affection. I am not happy when the other person is doing well, and the other person is not happy when I am doing well. There is more indifference and disloyalty between each other, and the children have become a tool for comparison with each other, watching the "infighting" and "infighting" between the elders. ”, young people will only become more resistant to visiting relatives and friends.
Looking forward to the "return" after "leaving"
"The kinship relationships that our fathers spent time, energy, and financial resources to maintain are not valued by young people." Such an assertion is obviously a misunderstanding. In fact, contemporary young people are extremely eager for true kinship and family cohesion, which can become a floating boat for them when they are drifting and a harbor after being injured.
"At the beginning of the epidemic, I found out that my father was infected and I was stuck overseas and couldn't come back. I kept crying in the video. It was my uncle and aunt who took care of my parents and asked for connections to help me book air tickets. After that, they were scattered in different places. Relatives in the local area protected me in various ways when I returned home. I showed my true love in times of crisis, and I will never forget the peace of mind and touch of being surrounded by my family." Harmonious family relationships can help alleviate the psychological state of "alone" among young people. and realistic situations are crucial.
Wang Defeng believes that just as the development of family businesses needs to adapt to the rules of market competition, the continuation of the family lifeline also needs to adapt to the needs of young people. Elders must recognize the changes and transformation of society and cannot use the original set of traditional values to evaluate today's young people.
Change the "absence" of relatives in the process of young people's growth and make family relationships a "stress release cabin." True family love is tolerance, consideration, and gentleness. A harmonious family relationship means loving each other, being kind, and co-constructing and sharing.
"Youth Zhejiang" released a survey "On the Phenomenon of "Cutting Off Relatives" among Young People" to nearly 10,000 people born in the 1990s and 2000s. The results showed that 49.2% of young people would not ask relatives for help when they encounter difficulties and problems. Analyzing from another aspect, it shows that young people are eager to get "effective communication" and "beneficial help" from kinship relationships.
What is especially worthy of reflection by elders and relatives is that when it comes to matters that young people already feel a lot of pressure on, such as employment, marriage, etc., they should not be concerned about "straightforwardly" or make "condescending" comments. Instead, start with seemingly meaningless small talk and start with Topics that interest young people begin, "integrating" rather than "intervening" in young people's lives. Let the lessons and suggestions from "people who have been through it" go slower and more gently.
"Young people will not always be an isolated individual. We always have to return to our own kinship network to better accept ourselves and others." As a netizen said, no matter how the times change, family ties will always be there. It does not disappear, it will only be reconstructed in a new attitude and way at a certain period of life.
From "cutting off relatives" to "recognizing relatives", from "running away for half a life" to "returning to the family", perhaps only by experiencing enough falls and climbs, and overlapping the life trajectories of the elders, can young people no longer stop. Instead, use a more mature thinking to understand the power of care and discover the true value contained in kinship.
Author: Yu Wan Qin Yuhang