If you do not have children, stop reading this report. Well, no, because if you are old enough to be a father it is possible that your Instagram algorithm assumes that it is and has already introduced you to Álvaro Bilbao, the neuropsychologist who has made positive education fashionable. That is, effective parenting during early childhood without shouting and punishment and, of course, without slapping. Something that seems impossible but works, he says, if you follow his simple guidelines.
Álvaro Bilbao is, for connoisseurs, the alternative to Eduard Estívil and Rosa Jové, famous doctor expert in sleep one and psychopediatrician the other whose books Duérmete, niño and Dormir sin lágrimas have divided the Spanish paternal population into two camps: the strict and the buenistas. That's why Álvaro is in the middle. "Firmness and affection" is his mantra, which stays with the best of both currents.
Álvaro is from Bilbao ("my last name is not a stage name"). She studied Psychology in Deusto, an Erasmus in London and obtained two scholarships in the USA to specialize in clinical psychology and neuropsychology. He worked as a volunteer at a neurorehabilitation hospital with brain-damaged children. Today he is focused on dissemination, on "giving strategies to know how the brain of children works." At the time of this interview, he is traveling to his homeland to see the mother of a friend who has had a stroke and suffers from amnesia, one of his specialties.
Empathy as standard
Empathy comes standard. "When I was little, all the children told me about their problems. He was shy. My mother said kind. Then I had years where I got very bad grades and my family thought I wasn't going to come up with anything. I was thinking of doing money, but I went to a confirmation group in the parish and they forced us to have some commitment. I taught Spanish to immigrants, I really liked helping others and I chose psychology. With everything I had been interested in school, I was passionate about the faculty."
Bilbao was raised in the old-fashioned way, zero Montessori. "The education I received was traditional, my parents were unloving but very strict. I would give them a 10 because they did the best they could and their way of educating me has helped me to be who I am. But I would have loved to have been kissed more," she says. He, as the father of three children (13, 10 and 9 years old) is very different. "I try to be very present in their lives, I have reduced the day to spend more time with them." His wife is a social educator and works with abused disabled women. "In terms of roles, she is more affectionate than me and I am the one who puts more discipline. Like all parents, from time to time I miss a scream, but when I do I ask for forgiveness."
Álvaro is in favor of rules, not punishments. "In consultation I met many parents prolactation, attachment, porting, co-sleeping, defending that you can not say no to a child, that if you make him cry you frustrate him. For me, it is essential to set limits, with affection to avoid behavioral problems, "he says. That's why he wrote his best seller The brain of the child explained to parents and from there he made the leap to online courses and networks, where he has more than a million followers.
The good thing about Álvaro is that he does not feel chaired. "I don't slap my children but when a father tells me he's ever done it for a certain reason, I understand it perfectly. On the other hand, there are those who say that it is not good to reward children, but 1) it will not kill them 2) it will not melt their brains and 3) it is a technique that sometimes helps to open the way to resolve conflicts.
Faith, spirituality, helps many psychologists, but it is not strictly a refuge for Bilbao. "I haven't been to Mass for a long time, but after many years I have come to the conclusion that God is love. I like to help others. The essence of religion should be to look at others as we would like them to look at ourselves. My children go to religion but have not made communion, yet I try to help others." .
We asked him about issues that concern minors such as the Trans Law or abortion_ Is the brain prepared to make decisions of that caliber at those ages?
"I try to escape politics as much as I can and more. But I start from the basis that I believe that every person who is in politics has to have good intentions, that is, those laws cannot be made from evil. That said, with the trans law I am clear: it is a mistake because they are irreversible decisions. As a child I wanted to be a veterinarian or firefighter and thank goodness I was able to change my mind later. Adolescence is a very convulsive stage in which there are many confusing sensations and emotions for kids. It does not mean that there are people who have it clear since then, but it is a decision that can be postponed. I know testimonies of parents whose children have repented. I find it more interesting that an area of attention is made to these people in their diversity."
Regarding abortion, "from my point of view there is no easy solution. I believe that in a thousand years we will be judged to this generation for not knowing how to solve the problem. I can't judge anyone, I got married from a penalty and my third child was also unexpected. Let's see, human instincts are very important. If it were up to education, we would also end obesity or drugs... We play with millions of years of evolution that tell you that eating something with fat and sugar is more desirable than an apple and as for sex, if you have little impulse control capacity, the body will ask you to maintain safe relations at the time that least suits you. I think we have to bow to reality. that human beings are natural beings and that the solution would have to be more technical, with some system to avoid that. Of course, since I became a father I look with different eyes at the whole issue of abortion, so complex ethically and difficult to resolve."
So what do today's parents approve of and what do they suspend?
"We're doing better in that we're more affectionate but we're doing worse in that we're very overprotective, we help them too much. We don't let them solve for themselves something they can do alone. It's studied."
To this day, Álvaro Bilbao does not treat teenagers. "It's a totally different league that I'm running away from. I always refer them. I work with families in early childhood. I find that prevention part more interesting than what may come later. If you learn to manage disrespect in time and build the bond well, you can make the family stronger in the face of problems. 95% of the cases we saw in programs like Big Brother were about problems of bond and attachment, broken relationships, rather than problems derived from setting or not limits. "
Álvaro no longer consults, but what he saw most in it were matters that concern the primitive brain of the child. "Sleep management, feeding, toilet control and behavioral problems such as poor collaboration. I relied on the psychiatrist when there is a major impulse control disorder that requires medication. My job was precisely to help parents not get to that point."
Her children, she says, go to a public school, next door. "For me it is very important that they interact with children of all socio-educational levels." It is not Montessori system. "It is studied that this system works and has contributed many things, there is nothing wrong with it. But the parents I like are the ordinary parents who buy their children sometimes sweets, who sometimes yell at them, who take them to a school that catches them well ... People are surprised that I don't take my children to a Waldorf or Montessori school. I've seen amazing schools but I still keep the one next to my house. For me, closeness and affection is the most important thing. Of course. I'm very clear about boundaries, but parents interpret what they want. If a son calls me a fool, he will find out, without shouting or punishment, but I will make him reflect."
Fortunately, Álvaro Bilbao does not stigmatize anyone. "In the end, with children, I recommend doing what your instinct dictates. We breastfed because we did well, but if we had given a bottle, too. They have slept in their crib or with us when they have needed it and between the Estivil method and co-sleeping there are a thousand intermediate variations, so each family is organized as it can. [Álvaro also wrote the bestselling book Todos a la cama] There's no magic solution to those things, it's a matter of survival and no one is perfect." Amen.
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