My son does not respect me or anyone.. What should I do?

It is difficult for a person who has experienced motherhood or paternity to feel his child belittled him, such as the child turning his face while talking to him, disobeying his parents’ words, giving them a sharp look and behaving arrogantly, and perhaps uttering insults or hurtful phrases, and agitation that is sometimes embodied in fits of anger that may break. In it are the belongings and things in the event that a demand for it is refused or an attempt is made to direct it;

The parents find themselves in a state of confusion, carrying on their shoulders mountains of hidden bitterness and paternalistic premonitions.

In this article, we try to answer your questions that you may find embarrassing to ask a relative and friend, how do I earn my son's respect?

How do I make my child respect me?

How do I make my son respect others?

What you should know

Respect is usually acquired in relationships rather than innate, to fall under what must be taught and shaped in children's early years of development.

Babies are born with tears to ensure their needs are met (1), and as they age, it is incumbent upon parents to teach them proper ways to replace these torrents of tears, by setting aside the beginning of their expectation that their children will always be obedient and calm.

Even more, they believe that their unconditional love will provide a safe space in which their children can vent their anger and show the depth of their feelings;

This means that parents will be exposed to situations that reflect a lack of respect directed at them, and then become frightened and threaten to lose control.

Here they exaggerate their reaction, or condone that behavior, or tell themselves that it is only a temporary stage.

In any case, this hinders the child from learning to manage his thoughts or emotions more effectively, and to acquire moral value, exacerbating these tensions for parents of adolescents with mental health disorders or addiction.

But the basis for forming a strong bond of respect is discipline and love as they are complementary components of a child’s upbringing. Children need clear boundaries and coherent standards to guide them on how to behave. Otherwise, they will grow up in a chaotic environment and then become difficult to regulate their behavior.

So parents should be aware if there is really a lack of respect, not forgetting that children are human beings too, they have good and bad days, just like everyone else, and may get tired and angry without learning how to manage their frustrations (2).

If the child is acting irritable only on a certain occasion or is in a bad mood, try to understand him by talking to him and understanding what is happening, but if this type of behavior is repetitive and intense it is necessary to intervene and reflect on that behavior to treat it.

Why do children reduce the respect of their parents?

The drivers that may cause a child to lack respect expand, such as not being aware that their behavior is.

For example, questioning a parent's decision may be considered rude to them, but from the child's perspective, it may be a way to achieve what he wants.

Let's say, for example, that Adam is seven years old and wants to visit his friend's house, but his mother refuses. He follows her wherever she goes, wanting to know the possible way in which he can persuade her to change her mind.

Adam is completely focused on getting what he wants, without really paying attention to the fact that his behavior is counterproductive.

In addition, children also have difficulty expressing themselves appropriately when feeling angry or frustrated, as their adrenaline rises, voices rise, eyes freeze and doors slam.

The son may be confused about something that has happened in his life, related to work or study, or what affects their self-esteem or their emotional relationships, to find himself unable to know the reason for that emotion inside him, so he directs it in the form of inappropriate behavior to his parents, for example. .

Psychology defines this as “displacement”, which is the disbursement of negative emotions towards a person or another unrelated goal, because the rebellious person is unable to take revenge or empty what he finds in himself in the original source, so he criticizes his parents or blames him and blames him for the cause of his current problems The way he was raised or treated, regardless of the facts.

The sense of identity also strikes deeply as one of the causes of the child’s resentment of his parents, when a person is ignorant of himself and what he wants, wondering how he can fit in in this world as he can, even though he is not a special person as he thought, disappointment realizes him to explain the reason for his mistreatment of his parents, even if it is not justified by nature. adverb.

Some children have difficulty managing anger, so if one of their desires is denied, they may not be able to control themselves and push boundaries.

Add that in adolescence the hormones change and they are in the midst of a stressful phase in which they also seek more independence, and mild disrespect is the equivalent.

They may also fear facing reality and responsibility, so they may do everything they can to avoid it.

They may remain confined to their rooms, and avoid getting a job, so the father or mother tries to urge them to go out and find a job, so they resist this, and even resent and interpret this as a desire to get rid of them, perhaps because of an inherent fear in them of trying and failing, so they prefer staying in a comfort zone even if they are depressed later.

And mental health disorders, such as depression, anxiety, or other problems, cause them to behave like this with their parents.

If they have an addiction problem, they will act in ways that do not reflect who they really are, which may include abusing their loved ones.

This may be due to an urgent need for assistance.

If your child has recently started to be rude or aggressive towards you, you may want to consider if something has happened in his life that he cannot handle on his own and he is still unable to seek help, may criticize you or show ingratitude in wanting you to ask What about him, especially if they show some remorse afterwards, as that might be a sign that he didn't mean it but that he's already suffering from something.

Sometimes he may not be able to express his feelings to you, so he will do so offensively.

He may want to talk to you about something important, but if you don't have a close relationship or you don't communicate well, he may back off because he can't count on you, or because he can't open up (3).

Either way, you may be on the receiving end of their negative feelings here.

Perhaps the son and the daughter stand indignant at the upbringing they received, or at a specific event that occurred when he was growing up.

It is hard to face the fact that no father is perfect, and that some make more mistakes than others, some of which have a long-term effect on a child's mind and perception.

Sometimes the best we can do as parents is not good at all, but it is one of the causes of disrespect.

You may not know what their grievances are if they haven't talked about it before, or they may bring it up again and again in an argument with you.

Finally, they may become fed up with constant criticism or judgment of their behavior and choices, such as the clothes they wear or the relationships and friendships they choose, trying to control their lives or dictating how they should live, and making them do or not do certain things based on their parents' preferences.

In other words, children may not feel their parents respect them and do the same.

How do I make my son respect me?

How do I earn his respect?

• First: Find a reason

Try to identify the reason for his hostility towards you, as disrespect does not come out of nowhere.

If you can identify this source, you can gain a better understanding of why your child is behaving in this way.

Have a conversation with your son/daughter about it, spend some time listening to him/her whenever he is ready to talk.

Sometimes bad behavior at home is related to something happening outside the home, such as bullying, social stress, or problems with one of his friendships. Children are often more willing to open up when sitting side by side in the car or when doing a task together than face-to-face. .

A lot of times, when teens are rude, it's linked to low self-esteem, so make sure you don't criticize them, and comment on all the little things they do well, like cleaning the table or being nice to others.

Often you can say: I want to talk to you about your disrespectful behavior towards me, what is happening with you?

Why are you behaving this way?

They may talk comfortably or assert that they weren't aware that this might affect you, and he/she may have some harsh criticism of you, or may act as part of his desire to manage his life.

Always try to be available to your children, ask them about their feelings, and be open about your feelings too.

Try to negotiate compromises, and discuss them when you don't agree on something.

• Second: Make sure he knows the line between respect and lack of respect

Talk to your child about what is appropriate and what is not.

You might expect children to recognize these things without needing to explain.

Younger ones tend to think outright words such as saying, "When you yell at me, it's disrespectful to me."

Here, refrain from continuing the conversation if he speaks in a disrespectful manner, interrupt him and indicate his intended behavior and comment on him with something along the lines of: “I can see that you want to attract my attention, but you are interrupting me now”, then explain to him why you consider that interruption is not good manners. , and suggest an alternative behavior: "Please, wait while I'm done," or say, "I'm sorry."

The conversation or activity is resumed only once the problematic behavior has been replaced by more appropriate behavior (4).

• Third, identify the behaviors that need to be addressed

Focus on the critical issues first (such as yelling, swearing, slamming doors, yelling "I hate you", depending on your child's age).

Don't take everything personally or exaggerate, or it will be difficult to respond effectively.

If you pause every ounce of it, you're unlikely to see any change in your baby.

Separate the behaviors that cannot be tolerated and that you can overcome.

Remember that these somewhat annoying behaviors are not about you, they are just an expression of frustration.

Your role is to treat your child's or teen's behavior as objectively as possible.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't get angry, just find ways to deal with these feelings outside of bickering with your child and, if possible, let them go, and stay focused on the topic at hand.

• Fourth, set clear boundaries

Draw a boundary and behavioral rules, as children need - as we have already mentioned - to have a clear understanding of what kind of behavior is completely unacceptable and what kind of behavior is undesirable, especially if it is a teenager, and that crossing such lines will have serious consequences.

When putting these rules into practice, it is important to ensure that they are respected and that the consequences of breaking them apply, if we make exceptions, we lose credibility.

Establish realistic consequences for your child's behavior if they continue to be disrespectful towards you, depending on your child's level of independence, such as losing Internet privilege.

Tell your child the behaviors that will lead to possible consequences, eg, "The next time you yell at me, there will be no friends on the weekend."

The consequences should be realistic and short-term when the problem is small or medium (5).

• Fifth: Promote the good performance of your child through praise

Children respond to praise.

Not only is the compliment felt good as it is an acknowledgment of good behavior that will enhance those skills, so notice the times when your child is behaving in a respectful way towards you or others even if it only lasts for a moment, and acknowledge it until you reinforce it. Only the behavior that you do not want to see will not achieve your goal in education, and the constant theorizing about what is received from the son / e generates resentment.

That is, if you only check what you see as failures and never acknowledge the moments when he has been able to control his behavior or the minor successes, he may stop trying and even increase his disrespectful behavior.

Just select the rewards you would like to receive for good behaviour.

Parents should be role models for their children. If they want respect, they should set an example of respectful behavior.

Do your best to show them how this should be done, and how to manage your behavior when you are upset or upset.

It takes a lot of willpower and patience in handling disagreements that arise between you.

It's important to stay calm with your children, and not threaten them verbally or physically hurt them.

Be honest and respond in a measured way. When your child makes a mistake, show him that it's okay to be human and make mistakes from time to time to learn from them.

To see that regret and forgiveness are valuable virtues and important aspects of human relationships in and of themselves.

• Sixth: Remember that it is okay not to always be the savior

In fact, one of the pitfalls of adolescence is that people think they are smarter than their parents, so there is no way to enforce respect as a feeling as much as we hope to extend it as an act.

Try to maintain your composure, and enforce your rules constantly.

It's also obvious that you may want to save your children from every disaster they seem bent on, but you can't be the eternal barrier between them and the real world.

You've taught them everything you can up to this point, though you'll never feel like you've done enough.

Every time your adult gets ready to do something stupid, you'll want to stop him and direct him in a better direction, but sometimes you have to let him know the consequences of his actions.

Tools that will help you

• Book: How do you talk so your kids will listen and you listen when they talk?

The book borrows the ideas of child psychology and education experts together to offer new and innovative insights and suggestions that have already been tried to solve common educational problems, such as helping children deal with their feelings, using alternatives to punishment, understanding the difference between useful and unhelpful praise, and searching for solutions to build a solid foundation for relationships Parents and their children.

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