“My son hates me.” Many mothers utter this phrase with a sigh after the escalation of situations with their child, and the mother wonders: When did her loving little child turn into that rude person who criticizes all her actions?
And you begin to create perceptions, analyzes, and multiple forms of punishment without realizing that everything that happens is very normal.
A boundary between hate and emotional independence The mother is surprised for the first time on the threshold of her children's adolescence, as adolescents naturally tend to separate from their parents and seek psychological independence, while the mother must absorb and deal with them so that emotional independence does not turn into hatred.
What does emotional independence mean?
Emotional independence is the psychological and social separation from parents, and it is part of the process of self-realization that helps adolescents determine when and how they will become adults.
At that stage, hormones play a major role in the psychological, mood and emotional state of the adolescent, friends become more important and the importance of parents declines, the teenager revolts against dependence and tries to become a separate person from the people who have controlled almost every aspect of his life so far, and the mother comes to the fore.
So, when he starts breaking up with you, he starts criticizing you and deciding which of your behaviors he likes and which ones he doesn't, according to Very Well Family.
The good thing is that his criticism, which may amount to "insolence", can be interpreted and understood in the context of his discovery of himself, his own identity, and proof of his individuality.
It's normal for him to disagree with what you're doing or thinking, and it's even natural for him to act as if your thoughts or actions are intolerable so that his identity doesn't become intertwined with yours.
The teenager rebelled against dependence and tried to become an independent person (Shutterstock)
7 tips for dealing with a teenager
Every adult has gone through adolescence before, and every child will go through it, and it can be realized that the variables that occur are one, but it is the treatment of each mother that determines whether she will pass that stage in an easier and safer way, or will things become more complicated and reach the point of the son’s hatred for her.
1- It's not about you
Teens can say some things that are hard to hear, and although these statements can be extreme, there is often some truth that can make them more painful.
At this point, you may tend to feel like the victim and get caught up in thoughts, such as “Was I really that bad?” “Can’t you just forgive me?”, “Why doesn’t he understand everything I did for him?”, forgetting that this stage is unique. Emotionally exaggerated.
Don't pay attention to what your teen says, but you must think about it and review your behavior.
According to Psychalive, you can help him by being compassionate and caring for yourself and him, not by denying his natural and angry feelings, and by providing the space he needs to feel what he feels and overcome his feelings with strength and flexibility.
2- Don't overstep boundaries or be overly controlling
A mother’s concern for her teenage child is very normal because of the nature of this difficult stage, but extreme anxiety may make you set a set of unrealistic rules that make your child feel mistrust or excessive interference in his private life.
These rules may make you feel more comfortable or reassured than make your child feel independent and free, and your teen's rebelliousness and overreactions often lead to you wanting to take control for fear of him.
Giving your teen some space and discretion to make mistakes and learn on their own is much better than overdoing it, which is completely counterproductive.
A mother's anxiety about a teenager is very normal, but extreme anxiety can make you set unrealistic rules (Shutterstock)
3- Set the rules of respect
While it is perfectly normal for your teen to separate from you during adolescence, you should never tolerate constant disrespect from him.
According to the Very Well Family, you can remind him that he can express his opinions in a normal tone and with respectful words.
When both of you are calm, remind him that if he wants to be treated like an adult he has to communicate like an adult, and that there are consequences for communicating with you in a disrespectful way.
4- Be there when he needs you
Giving your child space doesn't mean you have to walk away from him and let him do everything, your teen still needs a lot of guidance and support, and he should always know that you are there to talk to him and help him.
At times your teenage son may refuse to hear you or your advice strongly, you have to balance the matter and move away without anger or sadness while assuring him in a calm way that you are there any other time he needs you, and he will inevitably return in difficult situations asking for your opinion or help even if he is shy, always take initiative Quietly to support him and stand by him.
5- Make sure that there is external support for him
Make sure your child has another caring, trustworthy adult they can turn to. You may yearn to be the 'person' that your child goes to for any problem and consider their rejection a personal insult, but that's not about you, it's the nature of the stage.
All that matters to you in the first place is his interest, and to make sure that your son has another supportive person in his life that he can refer to according to the “Hopkins Medicine” organization, because he will always resist the authority of the mother and father, and it is necessary to have a trusting adult who supports him and provides He has advice such as an uncle or aunt or a teacher and reassures you of it.
It is important for your teen to have a confident adult who can support and advise them (Getty Images)
6- Be a role model
Parents’ behavior affects children’s behavior directly and indirectly as well. If you are concerned that your child will not take responsibility, occupy a good job or behave in a proper manner, your primary role is to show responsibility in your actions, act in proper ways, and present yourself as a good role model for him, according to “Good Therapy.” (Good Therapy).
Even in times of rejection and anger, you can be kind, patient, and always present. This may make him review his actions, reflect your behavior on him, and turn the relationship into a healthier and more mature one over time.
7- Be open minded
You may not feel comfortable with the idea of your teen talking about specific topics, and you may complain about the clothes he wants to wear, but you have to accept these as part of his growing up.
Generations change, become more difficult and demanding. Perhaps the solution is not to set a set of rules that the child will break or revolt against. It is better to be open to his experiences and leave the communication paths open to all topics and ideas that you think are strange.
Try to find appropriate ways to help him go through his own experiences under your supervision and feel the value and respect that he should have as he enters the adult world by respecting him and taking into account his views within the family.