On Mother's Day, has motherhood become too perfect?

And I became a mother, like all women

sanctified

Immaculate, like the statue of Mary

And poetry does not fall into the arms of a saint in the evening!

and became a mother

And my heart no longer has the luxury of burning

And the warmth of rebellion

and narcissism

and craving.”

(Hind Khaled)

Holiness, idealism, sacrifice, and the ability to endure suffering are all words that formed an "ideal" picture of motherhood perpetuated by the pressures of society around us.

While these qualities seem to honor and honor the mother and reverence for her, and that is why we repeat them on every Mother’s Day, and indeed all the time, in fact, they may be rooting for a supposed ideal motherhood, which puts pressure on women of different classes and circumstances to achieve impossible standards.

Hana says.

M.

(a pseudonym) to "

": "I never thought that I was behaving naturally in my relationship with my children. I always listened to the advice of others, whether they were my relatives or friends, or even Internet sites that provide advice to mothers. Today, my son is approaching a stage Adolescence, when I recall my choices, I always think of other choices closer to my mind, which I have avoided for fear of other people’s opinions.”

Most women enter motherhood with preconceived notions about an ideal to be achieved, a synthesis of societal pressures, what we see in the media and social media, and expectations of family and friends, making it difficult for them to explore their own ideas about motherhood, and putting them under the weight of feelings of anxiety and guilt. , in an endless quest for the imagined image of motherhood, which is not necessarily achievable.

Motherhood without fathers

The upbringing of children is usually presented as the responsibility of mothers in the first place, while fathers are completely excluded from the picture, a perception that has been reinforced by Freud’s approach to psychoanalysis, and was followed by all books, periodicals and articles on education directed primarily to mothers rather than fathers.

Most of these products promoted a misconception about women's innate ability to care for children, an ability that fathers otherwise lack, but this perception may not be entirely accurate.

In the Aka tribes, for example, whose members live in southwestern Central Africa and northern Republic of the Congo, fathers play the primary role in childcare, and are 47% more in contact with their children physically than fathers in other societies.

The negative impact of excluding the father from childcare is not limited to mothers only, but extends to fathers and children alike, as it reinforces unfounded perceptions that childcare is women-specific skills that men cannot learn, which further pushes fathers to the margins. Secondary and confirms the presence of the father in the lives of his children and their daily care.

(1)

On the other hand, this perception obscures the profound challenges that parents face.

A society that places the entire burden of child care on the woman, deprives the father of participating in his role, even if he so desires.

For example, how many parents can take leave to care for a sick child or newborn?

According to a UNICEF report, two thirds of the world's children under the age of one year, or nearly 90 million infants, live in countries where their parents are not legally entitled to a single day of paid paternity leave.

Some countries have recently begun to recognize this right, as the Senate in Egypt agreed last month, February 2022, to grant paternity leave to a worker when he has a child, for a period of one day.

While the labor law in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia guarantees paternity leave for a period of three days with full pay, the same period that the employee obtains according to labor laws in the UAE as well.

In Finland, paternity leave extends to approximately seven months, on par with maternity leave, according to a government decision issued in February 2020.

Japan is unique in this list, as it provides workers with paternity leave of approximately 30 weeks, divided by the child’s first years of life, but it is remarkable that very few fathers in Japan choose to take advantage of this leave, as some consider it a social stigma.

(2) Japanese fathers are not the only ones who consider child care a women's task. In many countries of the world, for many fathers, the option of taking leave to care for a sick child is off the table, as child care is seen as a mother's task.

Perfect motherhood.. unrealistic

Hala says.

s.

(a pseudonym) to “

”: “For 11 years, since the birth of my first daughter, not a single day went by when I felt completely satisfied with myself. I chose to breastfeed, my daughter suffered from underweight, which made me feel inadequate, and I faced accusations from my mother and mother-in-law that I was not eating enough, and that I was responsible for the inadequacy and quality of my breast milk for the poor little girl, which prompted me to decide to breastfeed my second son with formula. It didn't make me as comfortable as I expected, for whenever the baby suffered from an infection, or was late in acquiring a skill, I would attribute the reason for choosing to breast-feed him and deprive him of the immunity provided by breast milk."

Numerous recent research has shown that societies' view of the ideal of motherhood puts additional stress on women and is associated with higher levels of guilt and stress.

According to the World Health Organization, about 10% of women around the world suffer from depression during pregnancy, reaching 13% after childbirth, and in developing countries, the rates rise to 16% during pregnancy and reach 20% after childbirth, while the percentage rises in reports Others reach about 42% of women.

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Numerous recent research has shown that societies' view of the ideal of motherhood puts additional stress on women and is associated with higher levels of guilt and stress. The results concluded that there was a strong link between stress about the "ideal" motherhood, feelings of parental burnout, and increased levels of anxiety and stress.

It also found that there was a direct effect on women's professional ambition. Women who felt higher levels of stress experienced a lack of balance between work and family, which was directly related to lower professional ambitions.

(4)

In addition, studies have shown that stresses resulting from mothers' desire to live up to ideal standards of motherhood were associated with increased feelings of guilt, lower self-efficacy beliefs, and higher levels of stress. Mistakes, prompting mothers to focus on protecting their identity in the face of this threat, rather than how to achieve desired results and improve their lives and the lives of their children.

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This is also shown in what some women do in restricting the father's role in participating in the care of the family.

While society perpetuates the image of women as the only one capable of managing the home and taking care of children, some women seek to drown in this image, restricting the father’s participation in child care, setting high standards that impede him from participating, and striving to monopolize the performance of these tasks themselves, as if the father’s participation in the care of children Children devalue their social identities as mothers, a model called “maternal gatekeeping.” (6)

More pressure

Add to that another problem that many may not be aware of, says Amal.

A (a pseudonym) to "

": "My mother always makes fun of my suffering and repeats the phrase: We were all born and raised and did not open our mouths to complain. The girls of my generation accuse me of being spoiled, but my mother ignores that she did not raise me alone. I remember that I grew up in the big family house in our village The rest of the family's women took part in my upbringing, my grandmother, my aunts, my aunts, and the neighbors as well. Today, I live in semi seclusion, and I visit my mother once every two weeks. And when I want to know something, I ask about it on Google (the search engine)."

Well, it is not only the absence of the husband/father and his exclusion from child care, as many young mothers suffer from the absence of extended family support, and the old coherent form of society, especially in large cities where each family has its own individual burden, which throws more on The new mother, and leaves her prey to loneliness in the face of a new identity, which she cannot explore alone, but derives her features from the bright images of an ideal, imaginary motherhood far from reality.

As if the shadows cast on the image of the ideal mother are not enough, in light of the popularity of the concepts of returning to nature and preserving the environment during the past years, some trends have emerged that place more burdens on the idea of ​​motherhood, among them, for example, “painful birth” that includes abandoning the use of Anesthetic injections such as an epidural.

In many countries today, a painful birth is a badge of honor and a crown for the image of sacred motherhood, which is leading more mothers to align with this image, even if it means more pain.

Some promote, for example, the misconception that motherhood was more "ideal" before women widely gained their rights to work and education, but history and statistics reveal that this assumption is wrong.

It extends to other trends such as breastfeeding for more than three years, long co-sleeping, use of washable cloth nappies, and other trends that make the mother's entire life go into a closed cycle of child care, without even feeling satisfied for its success.

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This extends to everything. Some, for example, promote a misconception that motherhood was more "ideal" before women widely gained their rights to work and education, but history and statistics reveal that this assumption is wrong.

According to a study published at the University of California, mothers now spend more time with their children than they did more than half a century ago.

The study, which focused on 18- to 65-year-olds, found that mothers in 1965 spent an average of 54 minutes a day on childcare activities, while the average time mothers spent in 2012 caring for their children was Double that by an average of 104 minutes per day, and college-educated mothers spent an estimated 123 minutes per day caring for children, compared with 94 minutes for less educated mothers.

Well, as soon as the mother learns about the pregnancy, she enters into an endless marathon circuit to win the title of "ideal mother", to fulfill the expectations of society, and her personal expectations that reflect all the concepts that she grew up on.

She begins to follow a healthy diet and monitors everything that enters her stomach during pregnancy, and begins playing music for the fetus as soon as the sense of hearing is formed.

After the birth, the mother pays her full attention to her child, does not tire of playing with him for hours, endures hours of crying, repeated words and irrational urgings without ever losing her nerve.

Shuttles between aerobics and courses, homeschooling and international schools, you are all engrossed in a quest for an impossible ideal, in a world of judged competition.

The time has come to make a real effort to rid mothers of the captivity of that image, for the benefit of the mother, children and society as a whole.

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