Dafne Fernández: "Motherhood has broken me, I am no longer sexually desirable and that makes me invisible"

Daphne Fernandez

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Madrid, 1985. Actress and dancer.

From 2002 to 2005, 'A step forward' made her an event: fame, covers... she Then she faded away.

Now, when she felt "invisible" after being a mother twice, she resurfaces with 'Woman', the new dance show with the Vivancos label, which opens at the end of the month at the Lope de Vega theater in Madrid.

In 'Woman' I don't have to dance per se, it's not my role, although in the end I do end up dancing a little bit.

'Woman' came to me when I had just given birth to my second daughter and was going through a bit of a strange time.

Personally, I felt super full, powerful, a heroine, because I realized all the abilities I have, they are hidden there and with motherhood they wake up.

But on the other hand, I became invisible to the professional world and, to a certain extent, to society, because I was a 24-hour mother, which is a job that is taken for granted and is never valued.

I was sad, despite living my motherhood happily and to the fullest.

Then 'Woman' came to me, thanks to Aaron [Vivancos] who has a special sensitivity, and I stopped feeling invisible.

I think it's a super powerful show, very inspiring,

what happens inside you, overwhelms you and you go out of there to eat the world.

It has come to me when I needed it most.

I am very lucky to be in it.

Yes. I don't want to generalize, but this is my case and I don't think I'm the only one.

Motherhood has broken me because I used to be the pretty girl and now I'm a mother, so I don't fit in anymore.

Let's see how I can say this without sounding bad, let's say that I am no longer sexually desirable and that makes me invisible.

In Spain there are no characters written for real women.

The Americans do and they are the series that I watch: real women, 30 and up, with real situations and not 'the girlfriend of' that has no plot.

Now, due to my age and motherhood, I guess I've moved on to another status and I have to adjust a bit there.

Reified?

No, and the question seems a bit sexist to me.

I have never done anything to be an object, I took those photos because I felt like it and wanted to.

The problem is in those who look at it in a dirty way, in those who turn you into a thing, not that you do something that has nothing wrong with it.

But there was nothing wrong with teaching more or less.

Now I'm watching the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee series and it perfectly shows that being a woman you can't do certain things.

A sexual video of the two comes out, Pamela's life sinks and the other continues as if nothing had happened.

This is how we see life in general, always from that point of view.

With the girl, Esther López, who died, what people asked was what she was doing alone at that time.

The question is not that: the question is why someone else killed her.

So I don't like that perspective.

I have done things because she has felt like it, she has given me the will and I liked it.

Point.

But in the question you asked me it was already implicit a little that I had caused them to reify me.

And no.

I have surrounded myself all my career with the right people because they have always told me that fame and success were something ephemeral, that just as I was up then, I would be down.

And so it has been.

Knowing that, that it was something temporary, I really enjoyed it.

It's true that it created quite a few traumas for me because, suddenly, I went from being nobody to appearing in a series with such an audience as 'A Step Forward' and people throwing themselves at me in the street.

There I was a little scared, but I lived it well, the truth.

I have taken advantage of it a lot and I have done what I wanted at all times.

I have experienced fame on a grand scale and it is something that I will always carry with me.

It is one more experience.

It is true that it is, but notice that it did not happen to me, luckily.

Even earning a lot of money, I kept saving and saving.

Sometimes I thought: "Jope, Dafne, you're working hard, you can treat yourself or have a party."

But I gave myself very few, I have always had my feet on the ground and I have never lost my mind.

Nothing very serious.

That thing I told you about sometimes feeling afraid on the street or not being able to go to places with many people because one would enter you, then another and another and another... But, well, it was just a time and nothing serious happened.

Yes, that is the hardest battle I have ever had to fight.

What happens is that I am a very positive woman and I always think that things happen for a reason.

So, in these moments of professional hiatus, what I have done is train a lot.

During this most difficult time I always repeated to myself: “Okay, now I am lower, but when the call comes I will be ready”.

It's the only thing I've thought about, preparing myself to the fullest so that when the train passes again I can catch it.

Let's see, I've never talked about this, but... Yes, it was because of that, yes.

And the worst thing was that then I had to read all those headlines about me having asked for more, as if it was my fault or it had gone to my head.

And it was a lie, I never asked for more.

I only asked for what they had assured me they would give me and they never gave me, but my fellow men did.

That wage disparity problem is there and things can only be changed if we change the way we walk.

So I said I wouldn't continue if I wasn't paid like men and that's it.

I was punished for not agreeing to charge less than men

Yes of course.

I did not accept that, I played it and was punished for a while.

Not only grounded, but having to read all kinds of articles telling lies about me without anyone ever calling me to confirm if that was true or not and what had really happened.

But what can you do against it?

Shut up, continue and that's it.

I can't change the world, I can only change little things and that's what I've tried.

At least not give in to what I think is unfair.

Well, like in all of society.

There are still many deaths due to machismo, a lot of inequality between men and women and a patriarchal society, but I think that ways have begun to change.

I already educate my children differently and I know that, when they are older, they will not think the same as you or me.

We are starting to change the language a bit too and we stand up more and more.

Now, when I see a situation that shouldn't be, a bit of what has happened to us before with your question, I bang on the table and say: "No, I don't go through here anymore; not anymore."

And not only for me, but for all the women who come after me.

I take it with philosophy.

I have a lot of confidence in myself, that I am doing everything I can and that there are many characters that are still waiting for me.

I am ready and feel fuller than ever.

That, for my profession, is a lot of power because I work with it: with emotions, feelings, interpreting everything, life.

I fell, but I'm confident I'm going to get back to where I was.

And, if it happens, then again I will fall.

That's how it works.

No not at all.

That is why you have to take care of your mind.

There have been days where I have felt a bit worthless and have dealt with a very dark sadness.

Not depression, but a lot of sadness.

I've also had bad times with the subject of motherhood, because people always talk as if everything was happy and beautiful, and that's not true.

Understanding that there are moments of darkness and it is something normal, gave me peace of mind.

That is why everything that is being talked about now about mental health is very important.

Exposing these topics, which had previously been taboo, is helping a lot of people.

It has helped me.

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