What you should know
The child’s room is not limited to sleeping and waking up only, as it is spaces in which the child matures, realizing the meanings provided by that area of privacy, individuality and independence, even if its space does not exceed a few meters.
As the child matured, these concepts attracted him, slowly withdrawing, and folded into his own space.
Now the door to his room, which was always open, is now closed, and in front of him we - the parents - stand confused. Shall we break into his seclusion and search his room, or do we wait a little?
Nancy Darling, a developmental psychologist at Oberlin College, tells us that the goal of parenting may be to create a self-sufficient and independent personality, which enables them to face life's obstacles, this independence process gradually develops as children are able to crawl away from their parents, Then walking, going to school, etc. But the greatest difficulty for parents comes when balancing the child's desire for autonomy and concern for his or her safety, in addition to the concern arising from the parents' desire to maintain children's consistency with the values of religion, family and society (1).
In critical age stages, such as adolescence, parents search their children’s rooms and phones at times, explicitly declaring this act a threat to their children’s trust, which causes children to have an increased feeling of anxiety and withdrawal, and perhaps depression in some cases. According to Lawrence Steinberg, Professor of Psychology at Temple University, "There is a lot of research that suggests that children who grow up with overly intrusive parents are more likely to have psychological problems, in part because they reduce a child's confidence in their abilities." independent" (2).
By the same token, a recent study in the journal "Adolescence" indicated that eavesdropping is unlikely to make things better.
A survey of 455 teens found that teens who believed their parents had secretly listened to their conversations or searched their possessions without permission shared less information with their parents compared to teens who felt their parents respected appropriate boundaries (3).
This finding is in line with another study that found that excessive parental intrusion may lead to teens becoming more secretive within the home.
Why do we doubt our children?
The first motive for parents' suspicion of their children is their children's tendency towards privacy, which is - by the way - an authentic stage of development in the child's journey towards independence and self-sufficiency that the child aspires to as he grows. Social psychologist Skylar Hook explains that this stage is most likely a basic human need that transcends culture. Once you enter adolescence, children's brains, bodies, and social lives rapidly change. As they experience their identities and express themselves, they need a space to know everything around them. Sandra Petronio, a professor of communication studies at Indiana University, agrees, adding that "a teen's main job is to be alone and get away from parents' control by asking them for private space" (4).
The child turns from a person whose interest is limited to being the center of attention to a lover of staying in his room for a long time with some ambiguity and lack of speech (5), and this - in particular - leads parents to worry. This was expressed by Peter Marshall, a child psychiatrist and author of "Now I Know Why Tigers Eat Their Young," justifying that adolescents tend to separate from adolescents: they spend a large part of their time just thinking about things and trying to discover who they are. and what they want to become (6).
That's why Dr. Kristen Beller, a licensed marriage and family counselor, believes that teens should have a level of privacy.
But with the awareness that they are not adults and cannot handle full independence, “It is therefore the responsibility of parents to teach teens to deal with increased responsibility by giving them age-appropriate levels of privacy and responsibility. However, parents should continue to screen and monitor teens their behavior” (7).
It is possible for parents to learn more about their children's lives while still allowing them 'informed privacy', which means that parents need to consider the child's age and level of responsibility before deciding what level of privacy they deserve.
What do I do when I doubt my child?
First: Find out what you are suspicious of, and take your time to assess the situation
If fate wants you to find something, such as forbidden things, give yourself time to understand the situation.
Check the substance in your hands, does your child abuse it?
Is there a possibility that he was addicted to it?
Drugs and addiction have behavioral and biological causes and causes.
Anyway, get rid of what you find immediately.
Talk to your partner or someone you trust before confronting your child.
You have to make up your mind and choose your words carefully.
Try to analyze the situation without responding emotionally. Give yourself enough time to calm down and take stock of the situation so that you can prepare for the discussion and intervention you intend to make with your child.
In this way, you are more likely to make progress rather than causing divisions between you and your child. (8).
Second: keep calm no matter what
Talk to your child in a calm tone that avoids getting angry and angry.
After you discover something shocking in his personal tools or hidden in his room, you will be overwhelmed with anger, sadness, and a sense of betrayal or deception, which will cause a severe reaction.
But remember that emotion is not likely to help, and is likely to give unwanted results, so try to avoid it in your responses.
Get rid of all your feelings before confronting your child, you must deal with this away from your feelings, be calm and balanced when talking to him, and make your session with him in private.
Even if you don't find anything in his room to support or deny your suspicions, in both cases, the words of "Nadine Kaslow", a psychologist and expert on suicide in young people, believe: "It is important to talk about your fears in a calm and non-accusatory way," "sometimes when he feels Parents are very anxious, they do not show their interest and care as intended, but criticize them, to which children respond negatively” (9).
Third, think for a moment about the causes
When you discover that your child has turned to smoking or something else, try to find out the reasons why he did so, and what made him take the path of lying, hiding and deceiving.
You may find potential and underlying triggers that prompted him to do it. Your child may have already been exposed to bullying or other difficult situations at school. It may be that he has a friend or group of new friends who influence him. It may be an expression of feelings of depression or anxiety.
The reasons do not justify the action, but they may help in addressing them, and if necessary, seek the assistance of a specialist.
Fourth: Deal with the possibility of lying realistically
Children know that lying is wrong, but they resort to it anyway to avoid the consequences and because they think it is their only option.
If you view lying as a problem that needs to be solved, you can help your child develop strategies so that he can stop lying in the future.
In fact, the most effective response is to absorb the fear by manipulating the behavior and identifying the consequences, and helping your child learn different ways to get what he wants other than lying and running away.
Fifth: Ask..Listen and give him space to talk
You should ask him and state your full suspicions and facts in your hands, although as Judith Smetana, professor of psychology at the University of Rochester says: “If children are already involved in risky behavior, they tend not to tell their parents,” in such situations. , they fear reprimand and punishment.
Accordingly, she suggests that we may begin our questions about the behavior we are apprehensive, declaring that we want to listen. Let him talk about and explain the situation. It's okay if your child seems hostile, angry, guilty, defensive, or upset. Listen to him and let him say everything, emphasizing as "You won't get upset and you won't get in trouble. I just want you to be okay" (10).
Sixth: Repeat to your child that you love him over and over again, and make mistakes a subject of discussion
Remind your child that he is not alone, that you only want to help, and if necessary, show your empathy, such as: "This sounds like this was really hard", "I know how painful that can be."
Explain to him why you searched his room in the first place, even if you didn't see a reason to do so.
The most important thing is to explain to him his mistake and the enormity of what he did.
For example, in the case of possession of contraband, explain to him its dangers, and let him understand the size of the situation.
Give him a safe space, tell him what he shouldn't be trusted.
If your task of searching his room ends with the shocking fact that he is an addict, support him by placing him in front of the option of recovery and rehabilitation.
In any case, do not abandon him, and do not let doubt always lead you to criticize him and remind him of what he did wrong one day.
All of the above may eventually lead to protecting him or urging him to return, review his mistakes, or save his life, and may always make his room door ajar for you.
Tools that will help you
Age of Opportunity: Lessons from the New Science of Adolescence.
The book first discusses the scientific discoveries and explanations of adolescent brain development, which are then used to support the effects and potential of adolescence and why it is such a critical period, which in turn is what parents need to help them understand and deal with their children's development and with doubts as they arise.
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Sources:
Parents Shouldn't Spy on Their Kids, Nautilus. KIRSTEN WEIR (2017)
We Know Some Things: Parent-Adolescent Relationships in Retrospect and Prospect, Journal of Research on ADOLECENCE. Laurance Steinberg
Is Snooping on Teenagers Ever Ok.?, The New York Times. Lisa Damour (2017)
Parents Shouldn't Spy on Their Kids, Nautilus. KIRSTEN WEIR (2017)
Is Your Kid in Their Poom All Day? Why Teens Crave Privacy, Grown and flown. Katie Bingham Smith (2020)
Parents and the importance the adolescent bedroom, psychology today. Carl E Pickhardt Ph.D. (2019)
Is Your Kid in Their Poom All Day? Why Teens Crave Privacy, Grown and flown. Katie Bingham Smith (2020)
Source Eight
What Do You Do If You Find Drugs in Your Child's Room? The Active Age. Aaronk (2020)
Help! My Teen Stopped Talking To Me, Child Mind Institute.
Is Snooping on Teenagers Ever Ok.?, The New York Times. Lisa Damour (2017)