What you should know

There is no marriage that is not punctuated by disputes from time to time, and in which burning feelings do not subside.

However, the real danger arises when happiness changes to a state of constant boredom.

Here boredom is no longer something that we can simply turn a blind eye to, but rather a sign to which we must give a high degree of attention.

Ten years ago, a group of media organizations such as the "Huffington Post" and "Reader's Digest" were in the midst of a study on romantic relationships, entitled "The Normal Bar" and conducted on more than 100,000 people, in which it was proved that boredom was the motive of 71% of men and 49% of women for infidelity. (1)

Yes, the previous study comes in a different cultural and social context, but what we can agree on is that boredom has many effects on the future of any relationship.

In this context, psychiatrist Harriet Lerner tells us that the boredom of the marital relationship that sometimes affects one of the parties to the relationship is normal, but it is not the end, as restoring satisfaction in marriage is certainly verifiable, but the real problem is what attracts boredom From negative thoughts on one or both of them, such as “Maybe you married the wrong person”, “It seems that our love is over”, or “We have nothing in common.” (2)

Esther Beryl, marital relations treatment, explains that in this age we are in a constant search for renewal, communication and mystery, and that current generations have high expectations of their marriages in terms of emotional and physical fulfillment.

Marriage is no longer an institution that guarantees you a lifelong partnership, children, social life and companionship (3), but an emotional bond in which a person searches for warm friendship in parallel with love as well.

Here we must focus a little, for the essence of a successful marriage is to reconcile the basic human needs, the first part of which is a sense of security and belonging, trust and continuity, to be pillars upon which the spouses rely when they go through the experiences of daily life.

The other part is the important need for women and men for freedom and adventure and to engage in matters that represent the area of ​​special passion for each of them. (4) Hence, the lack of one of the desires residing in the other part, may allow boredom to penetrate in an intrusive way into marital life.

But normal relations are based on reconciling the two parts.

Why do you get bored in your marital relationship?

The longer the relationship, the more likely it is to enter into a monotonous life with which the same things are repeated, this is self-evident.

From the womb of those repetitions is created routine.

That word, which, as soon as it is mentioned, is seen by many as a source of boredom.

Yes, the age of technology and communication sites comes to plant in our awareness the luster of continuous change, thus raising unrealistic standards and our misconceptions about ourselves and the other.

Contrary to what we imagine, routine is an important component of success at all levels, and this extends to relationships.

Here, Esther Beryl touches on the same idea by noting that routine creates two important components, continuity and order.

By this, the relationship becomes its rituals, we mean the routine actions that the spouses repeat towards certain things repeatedly, and these are the behaviors that establish a bond and meaning between them. (5) For example, drinking a cup of coffee outside periodically is a routine, but choosing a favorite coffee shop for both The two parties and the habit of going to it together is a ritual.

Routine begets intimacy and intimacy, and weather begets pleasure.

Therefore, the problem is not in the routine, but in the loss of pleasure and meaning towards what the two parties are doing.

If we want to enumerate the causes and causes of marital boredom, we can refer to them quickly in the following infographic:

What do I do to revive love again?

First, define your definition of boredom

Everyone has their own idea of ​​what's boring.

A study published in 2013 in the Journal of Social and Interpersonal Relations found that it is important to clearly define the form and location of boredom in a relationship. (6) Could it be that your feeling of boredom has nothing to do with married life, but rather related to your career or psychological state?

If so, focus on ideas that make you more satisfied with yourself.

Awareness of the source of boredom is the gateway through which you can remove that annoying feeling from your life.

Second, let go of your unrealistic expectations

You should not expect every day to be romantic and beautiful.

For most of everyday life, you will be sitting at home and eating simple meals with your partner.

And for the record, this is not boring.

You definitely have your expectations from your partner, and vice versa, it happens that our partners can't always give us what we think we ought to get.

So, before you blame the other party, you should first ask yourself: Are my notions of the marital relationship false?

In other words, over time, the pace of emotions will stabilize and calm down, replacing infatuation and passion for beginnings. These fluctuations are a healthy and normal part of the marital life journey, to settle on a deeper, richer and calmer relationship.

Third: Do new activities or hobbies with your partner 

Try a new hobby or skill with the other person, such as cooking a meal together.

According to Dr. Arthur Aaron, who authored The 36 Questions That Will Make You Fall in Love, trying new things together is the way to keep your relationship alive.

In a 993 study, 53 couples were asked to rate the quality of their relationship before they were divided into three groups.

One group was assigned a new activity to do together for 90 minutes per week, another group was asked to do both fun and routine activities for the same number of minutes per week, while the third group was asked to do nothing for the 10 weeks.

After the time period elapsed, couples who tried new things together were found to be the most satisfied in their relationships overall, followed by couples who maintained routines.

So just making an effort to do something together, especially if it's far from the usual routine, may put an end to boredom in your relationship.

Fourth: Bring your own rituals

Do you remember the coffee shop you used to go to, your corner and your favorite drink, the places you loved to wander around, all the things that you both symbolized and made a language that only you could speak?

Why not revive one of those habits?!

Make time to spend together outside, such as going to lunch or dinner, visiting a place together on an agreed-upon day, or watching a movie together.

In Reclaim Your Marriage: Staying Together in a World That Separates us, William Doherty asserts that we fall in love through rituals, these little details mentioned above, daily or near-daily conversations and the exchange of gifts.

Yes, rituals are the heart of a relationship and what defines it.

Fifth: Express your gratitude to the other party

One of the reasons people fail in love is that they stop daily expressing their love, appreciation and gratitude to each other, revealing it at the beginning of marriage, but forgetting it in later years.

So, do not hesitate to always express your love, and learn the love language of the other person.

In a study published in 2016 in the Journal of Interpersonal Relationships, gratitude was shown to be the key to strengthening bonds.

Researchers observed the conversations of 47 couples aged between 24 and 40. The pairs were asked to either discuss the details of the previous day or express gratitude toward each other for 30 days.

The researchers found that couples who expressed gratitude had a stronger relationship after a month, in contrast to couples who did not.

According to researchers, showing gratitude, even for the smallest things, helps people feel loved and connected.

By feeling connected to their partner, people are less likely to become bored with the relationship.

This leads us not to take your relationship for granted just because you're married, and to make an effort for the person you're dating.

Sixth: Do not stop laughing with your partner

Science Daily published the results of a University of North Carolina study that says shared laughter is another way to strengthen bonds between couples.

The researchers noted the opinions of 77 married couples, in which each described how they first met, and recorded how the couple laughed together and individually, and found that people who spent more time laughing with their partners felt a stronger connection, felt more similar and in tune with their partners, and felt more They are supported by the other person.

So, do not hesitate to laugh with your life partner, and take advantage of a smile from him. Partners who laugh together enjoy each other's company. How can you get bored of someone you really enjoy your time with?!

Tools that will help you

Questions

The 36 questions developed by psychologist Arthur Aaron to revive love, which Arthur and his colleagues have followed through a series of studies and found to be effective in creating and strengthening feelings of intimacy.

The idea of ​​these questions is based on "openness to the other", that is, being able to express yourself, your weakness, your fears, your hopes and your aspirations in front of your partner without feeling embarrassed.

You and your husband take two questions daily, and try to be in order, as the questions are arranged according to the degree of disclosure, and try to give yourself as much time as possible to answer, and to clarify each answer with more questions, such as: Why?

and how?

Since when?

The first group:

the second group:

Third group:

Video

The sculpting in the structure of emotional marriage, the investigation of how a person feels when he loves, and the secrets of passion in a long-term relationship such as marriage, is an abundance of what Esther Burrell tries to cover in this talk, in the link below on TED

The secret to desire in a long-term relationship 

Book

William Doherty addresses the issue of marital boredom in his book Take Back Your MARRIAGE- STICKING TOGETHER IN A WORLD THAT PULLS US APART, putting the issue at the center of his exploration, analyzing it and reviewing it. Solutions to deal with it (no translation of the book available yet).

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Sources

1 Can this marriage be saved?, American Psychological Association.

Anna Miller

2 Why do People Get Bored With Their Partner?

Harrlet Lerner

3 The Secret to desire in a long-term relationship.

Esther Perel

4 How Researching Boredom Prepared Me for Marriage.Mary Mann

5 Rituals for Your Relationships – Letters from Esther Perel


6 The 7 Most Effective Ways To Prevent Boredom In Your Relationship.

Kristine Fellize.

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