Six years ago, Titouan accidentally died when he fell from the garden tractor that Stéphane, his father-in-law, was driving.
It was Nathalie, his mother, who had asked his companion to take Titouan with him.
In the podcast "Dans les Yeux d'Olivier", Nathalie and Stéphane confide in Olivier Delacroix that they both feel responsible for the accident.
TESTIMONY
Nathalie and Stéphane form a blended family. From a previous marriage, Nathalie had three boys. Titouan was the youngest. One summer afternoon, Stéphane was clearing the garden with a rotary cutter pulled by a tractor. Nathalie, then pregnant, asked him to take Titouan with him. The child fell from the garden tractor and died. Six years after the accident, Nathalie and Stéphane confided in Olivier Delacroix in the podcast "Dans les Yeux d'Olivier" produced by Europe 1 Studio. They tell of their feelings of guilt and their slow rebuilding after the birth of their daughter, Marine.
Nathalie looks back on the afternoon of the accident: "The three children were playing in the garden while Stéphane was about to pass the mower. As Titouan kept running behind the tractor, I asked Stéphane to take it with him, as he had done many times before. I was in the house. Since I was pregnant, I was supposed to lie down as much as possible. "
Stéphane continues: "I first made a first lap with Titouan on the wing. That's why. It's a wing surrounded by a guardrail. It's part of the installation of the tractor so that 'a passenger can be seated.
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Everything was going fine.
As his brothers were nearby, I asked the elder to take a seat next to Titouan to ensure his safety even more.
Before a narrower passage, between the swing and a tree, I slowed down.
I even stopped to go quietly and check that the children were in their position.
I restarted.
It was a meter or two after that I felt a huge vibration.
I immediately stopped.
When I turned around, there was only one child left.
I immediately imagined the worst that turned out to be true: Titouan was under the rotary cutter. "
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I had to get back on the tractor, surrounded by the gendarmes, to redo the scene
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Titouan died shortly after arriving at the hospital. At the same time, a police investigation was launched, explains Stéphane: "The prosecutor immediately ordered a section of the criminal police to carry out the investigation on the spot before we could touch the scene. We come back, the police were on the scene taking the first bearings. We have just faced an ordeal that is already difficult to overcome. We are obliged to retrace the scene immediately after. I even had to get back on the tractor, surrounded by the gendarmes, to remake the scene and explain in detail what I had seen. "
Nathalie explains what happened that day: "We have an explanation. Passing between the swing and a tree, Titouan and his brother leaned forward to avoid a branch. When getting up, Titouan would have was unbalanced, it is not clear how. This is where he allegedly slipped out of the seat. His brother, who was barely 10 at the time, tried to hold him back, but he was physically no match for him. . It was very fast. He fell off the tractor and immediately afterwards, he went under the rotary cutter. "
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I did not know how to protect my child
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Stéphane evokes his feeling of guilt: "He imposed himself immediately. I did not imagine that it could happen, nor made sure to take measures to avoid it. At first, there is the The feeling of guilt returns. For me it has always been linear and I think it will remain linear until the end of my life. It did not go up a curve and then gradually came back down . I feel guilty and it will always be at the same level. I have been through it and it does not vary. "
Nathalie also confides in feeling responsible: "We were told: 'Why did you do that? It was dangerous.' My father told me that we had done something stupid. I want to tell him that he did the same stupid thing as me since he let me go on my grandfather's tractor when I was little "Except that I'm still here. I think I made a mistake. I blame myself. I have a very big part of the responsibility. I was the one who told Stéphane to put him on the tractor."
I have a part of unconsciousness.
I did not know how to see the danger.
I did not know how to protect my child. "Stéphane also said to himself, responsible for the accident:" Of course I consider myself responsible since the accident took place with the vehicle I was driving.
I cannot say that I am not responsible.
For me it is impossible.
Titouan was under my responsibility at the time of the accident.
So, I am necessarily responsible. "
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I'm the guy whose son had a fatal accident
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Stéphane evokes the look of others after the accident: "I had the impression, and I still sometimes have the impression of not being looked at as I am. I am the guy whose son had an accident I had a hard time looking them in the face, because the image they sent back to me was that of someone guilty of failing to avoid an accident. I posed as the culprit and I I had a lot of trouble getting rid of that feeling. It was also true in the professional world. I knew very well that everyone knew what had happened to me. "
A year after Titouan's death, his biological father filed a complaint against Stéphane for manslaughter: "I had a lot of trouble understanding the interest of the procedure because, in my opinion, there could be no winner . I was not well and it was felt. Living with depression at home, that meant that Nathalie had to manage everything and therefore had less time to devote to the children. The trial also required a financial injection which It took a toll on the family budget and penalized the children, and that had a lot of impact.
"From the accident until the announcement of the trial, a year and a half passed. I had managed to overcome everything. Since the birth of Marine, things were better at home. The trial, it was the double sentence. It meant reliving everything we had lived by relating the facts in court and being put in a guilty position. The verdict: 500 euros fine suspended. There is still the term 'guilty manslaughter 'in the judgment. It only reinforced my feeling of guilt. I had a judicial echo that put words to the deeds. It did not do me good. "
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There isn't a day and not a night that I don't think about it
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Nathalie shares her feelings for her husband: "I'm proud of him, because it's not obvious what he has to put up with. We don't talk about it together, because I don't want to hurt him being awkward. I don't know how he feels it. I think I wasted his life. When we met it was idyllic. I had my kids and we were going to have one. Asking him. to put Titouan on the tractor, I gave him his responsibility. Until the end of his days, he will have to live with this feeling of guilt. If I had not asked that he take Titouan on the tractor it would still be there.
There isn't a day and not a night that I don't think about it.
Before the accident, I had a touch of madness.
I took life on the bright side, telling myself that it was okay.
Now, I have gotten really tough on some things.
I worry about nothing.
As my grown-up children say, I have become 'a boring mother'.
I am on their backs all the time.
What happened to me once, I can't imagine it happening again.
So I overprotect them.
I find it hard to let go.
They become teenagers, I have to give them some freedom, but it's very hard. "
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When my daughter was born, I gradually took part in real life
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Nathalie was pregnant at the time of the accident. She explains how the birth of her daughter helped her: “A few days after the accident, I asked for an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. I asked to know the sex of the child. . I was told it was a girl. If it had been a boy, I obviously wouldn't have called him Titouan, but I might have chosen a first name with the same sounds. when I was told it was a girl, I thought it was going to be easier to deal with.
When my daughter was born, I gradually took part in real life.
Either way, I had no choice.
I had to continue to take care of the older ones, take them to school, do the lessons… Anyway, I had two options.
Either I lay down, I didn't eat, I cried, I let myself go and I made my parents, my children and my husband go through what I was going through.
Either I was bouncing for them.
It's not that I didn't have a choice, we always have a choice, but I couldn't see myself doing this to them. "
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We do not forget Titouan, we will never forget him
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Stéphane talks about the reconstruction of his couple after the accident: "I had considered that Nathalie might want to separate from me, but she was not at all in this perspective. That's why we continued and that we got married after the birth of our daughter. Marine, it was also the concretization of the love between Nathalie and I. It was the child that we had in common. We were still in the phase reconstruction and vision for the future. "
Six years after the accident, Nathalie confides that her feeling of guilt has changed: "The guilt has changed. It's still there, but I've learned to tame it. Some days, I tell myself to stop take my head with that and it helps me move forward. I try to tell myself that I should only keep the good times with Titouan. I need to talk about him. It makes me feel good. In a way, we continue to keep it alive. "
Stéphane shares his feeling: "After the first moments, the guilt is at its peak. The more time passes, the more we manage to reason with ourselves and we manage to live with this feeling of guilt. We cannot say that it decreases, we manage it differently. We learn to manage our emotions and to live with it. We do not forget Titouan, we will never forget him. We consider him as our little guardian angel who now watches over our family so that everything goes well . "