THE SEX QUESTION - Does polyamory really exist?

Some people declare themselves to be polyamorous, that is to say loving several others at the same time.

More and more people, especially among young people, claim this configuration of relationships.

The sexologist and psychoanalyst Catherine Blanc explains exactly what it is about Europe 1.  

Is it possible to love several people at the same time?

This is the question asked by Charlotte, a 26-year-old listener, in Sans rendez-vous, Monday.

She questions sexologist and psychoanalyst Catherine Blanc about this.

The sex specialist of Europe 1 explains that this love of several beings is possible because the feelings towards each individual are not the same.

However, she warns against the fact that the polyamorous person, even if he has well rationalized his desires, sometimes risks hurting his partners.

Charlotte's question

I am very much in love with my boyfriend and yet I have noticed having feelings for a coworker.

I recently discovered the term polyamory.

But does it really exist?

If so, what should I do?

>> Find all sex questions in replay and podcast here

Catherine Blanc's response

It's loving several people, but generally, when we talk about it, it's because we live and consume several love stories at the same time.

It is therefore not part of a deception, since it is official, it is an organization of a romantic relationship.

Sometimes, moreover, there is the knowledge of the other partner without there being any relationship between the two, unlike what there could be in a threesome.

They are separate and accepted love stories. 

Isn't that a watered-down western definition of polygamy?

It is obviously a reading that wants to stand out from another way of functioning in certain religions.

As if, when we say polyamory, we stand out from the indication of a religion, in particular the Muslim religion, but it is the same thing, except that it can be done in both directions , since it is as true of the feminine side as it does the masculine side.

Can you really, in the strict sense of the word, be in love with two people the same way?

Are we not going to love one more than the other?

First of all, it's never the same way. I think that the notion of love has different colors depending on the individuals we love. This is as true in a non-sexual setting - as is the case with her children - as it is in a sexual relationship. Simply, it is very nice simple on paper and much more complicated in terms of organization and emotional reality. Because, precisely, there is sexuality and in a certain way, in sexuality, there is a feeling of belonging, more or less masked and felt.

However, in general, the polyamorous is the one that is at the origin of the process.

He lives it very quietly and knows how to explain it perfectly and demonstrate the psychological benefits of this empowerment process, to get out of this notion of belonging.

In this logic, what potentially damages the relationship is being embarked on the idea that "I am yours and you are mine".

The polyamorous loves to love and not to possess, he says.

Except that it is sometimes more complicated when you are the one who is put aside while the other, whom you love, loves elsewhere.

How to talk about it to your partner?

I think it is indeed very difficult.

Simply, it has the merit of honesty.

It is very complicated to know what makes one love in the other and to decorrelate him from desire.

Is it the desire that makes love, the need of the other or the gaze of the other?

It's very complicated.

There are some very pretty things and then others that are a little more complex and less sexy in reality. 

Is it different from libertinism since there is the desire for a real relationship?

There is indeed the desire to build a relationship. So she has to be able to say it, with the risk that it could destabilize. That does not mean besides that she will consume it. For now, she has not said that she was in desire of this man. She said she had feelings. You can have an artichoke heart and when you meet someone, you fall in love. However, it is not something that falls on us, it is built emotionally. Or maybe it's because he winked at her and she is in love with the fact that we are seen.