In "Sans Rendez-vous", the sexologist and psychoanalyst Catherine Blanc responds to Françoise, whose husband cheated on her for two years.

If she took so long to realize it, it was because he still wanted her.

But this is not so surprising according to the specialist.

>> Can we cheat on our partner and still maintain the same frequency in conjugal sex?

In any case, this is what happened to Françoise, an auditor, who realized that her husband had been cheating on her for two years, while their sex life had not changed.

A case which is not so surprising, according to the sexologist and psychoanalyst Catherine Blanc.

In "Sans Rendez-vous", she explains that you have to differentiate between the desire aroused by a partner and the simple desire to have sex. 

Françoise's question

I found out this summer that my husband was cheating on me and that it had been going on for two years.

I hadn't seen anything until then because he had always wanted me.

So I would like to know how the male libido works in the case of infidelity?

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Catherine Blanc's response

It is quite possible that a man cheats on his wife without it being felt at the level of his desire.

But behind this notion of desire arises the question of the desire to make love with his wife, or quite simply to have sex.

You may want a person because they are a source of excitement or a complement that you already have in an established relationship. 

We can tell from Françoise's tone of voice how much she is affected by the situation which goes beyond purely sexual deception.

Her husband deceived her even into the idea of ​​the security of the relationship, since she saw in him a desire and she responded to it.

But obviously that was not enough since he has been in a relationship with another woman for two years. 

Can it be even worse when there is sex within the couple? 

When we are deceived but the relationship is not going well, we understand that the person has gone to look elsewhere.

But when the relationship is going well, or at least seems to be going well, and you've been cheated on, you haven't actually lost anything in the relationship.

Therefore, we could say to ourselves that we should suffer less from having been deceived if we have lost nothing in the relationship, since while Françoise's husband went to look elsewhere, the quality of the relationship has not declined, nor the frequency of sexual intercourse. 

And yet, narcissistically, it remains painful to tell yourself that you are not with the person you believed.

Without forgetting that we tell ourselves that we must be exclusive to the other to be loved and have value. 

Can a man pretend two years? 

Yes, a man can hide the fact that he has no desire because he experiences erections and he can use them with a woman.

He was therefore able to hide what animated his desire.

Even in couples who are doing well, there are times when the desire is not so much for the other as it is just sexual.

And it is thanks to the other that we will be able to live it.

Conversely, does a drop in libido necessarily mean that there is deception? 

No, there are drops in libido for a lot of reasons in both women and men.

And it is not the deception or the eye which borders elsewhere which would be at the origin.