Fear of "closed room" Save victims of abuse and DV 11:33 May 21
"I was afraid of the year-end and New Year holidays when my ex-husband is at home all the time."
A woman who has been violent for more than 10 years spends more time at home, and now many people know the reality of DV and abuse. He answered the interview requesting The material I had shown was a vivid description of the damage she and my eldest son had. Once the relationship with the outside world is broken and the physical and mental "closed room" is completed, it becomes impossible to escape. It may even happen in our immediate vicinity. (Momoko Ariyoshi, Reporter, Network News Department)
“Please cover”
I got to know the woman, Mr. A, because I got a message from the representative of a single-parent support group I met through another interview.
"The risk of DV and abuse is increasing due to the prolonged self-restraint. I am concerned that it will lead to a tragic event. I am considering that women who have experienced abuse or DV may be interviewed, so please consider. want you to do"
I immediately asked the representative and contacted Mr. A. She works as a company employee in Tokyo and raises her two sons, a teenager and an elementary school student, alone.
A divorce was established three years ago with a former husband who abused his eldest son and violated himself. However, her eldest son had PTSD = post-traumatic stress disorder, and she repeatedly became depressed, and she is still in the psychiatry.
He told me why he was interviewed in such a state.
Mr. A
"I think going out will definitely be a hotbed for abuse and DV."
He explained the two marriages and the moral harassment and violence received from each husband in a calm manner.
First husband is “Morahara husband”
After graduating from college, he married, left his hometown, and started living with his eldest son and his three sons at his husband's post.
My husband, who was thought to be a “gentle person”, was always irritated by unfamiliar work.
She was completely “weak” in the house, with no friends around her. Immediately after seeing something she didn't like, her husband uttered abusive words, saying, "I think I'm gonna be eaten by someone," and threw things at him and turned the table over.
He was constantly attacked, saying, "You are bad," and Mr. A began to think that he was bad and that he was a worthless person.
Words of a child who decided to divorce
There were times when my neighbors noticed the noise and spoke to me, but he said, "My husband, I'm so stressed. I need to support you."
I was especially scared during the year-end and New Year holidays when my husband was at home all the time, but when I asked my parents for help, I just returned, saying, "Don't bother to come home with a small child when it gets crowded."
Mr. A came to feel the loneliness that no one could understand.
My first son divorced when my eldest son was four years old. The motivation was that my eldest son said, "Is my mom okay?
The second husband is "DV husband"
I married my second husband when my eldest son was 6 years old. I also wanted to make a "dad" before going to elementary school.
But soon after, the husband began to violate the eldest son of his "children".
"My child is not disciplined because I was raised by a woman."
In addition to direct violence, the husband continued to abuse him, not allowing him to eat, sprinkling water in the bathroom, not letting him go to school. I had my eldest son repeatedly write a "reflection sentence". She escalated the violence against her eldest son and Mr. A, saying, "I don't know what to say with her."
When she saw the news about the abuse cases in Tokyo and Chiba prefecture recently, she said, she felt that she was "just like their circumstances."
At that time, I had consulted with an elementary school teacher where my eldest son attended, but the answer I got back was, "Isn't it because I think he's a real child?"
When I contacted my parents' house to evacuate my eldest son, I was thrown away saying, "Summer vacation is still ahead."
Mr. A
"I don't think ordinarily think that abuse and DV are happening around me. I have been suffering from such" normalization bias "many times."
Perpetrator tries to create a "closed room"
Her suffering continued. When I consulted with the child guidance center, I suspected that my mother, myself, was also involved in the abuse, so I put my eldest son into the facility.
"Why should I stay away from my eldest son?"
"Why do I have to go home with my violent husband?" The
eldest son couldn't understand that DV and abuse were a "set." I was separated, and Mr. A fell into a depressed state.
After the eldest son was protected, violence escalated, such as strangling Mr. A. The husband himself reportedly reported to the police, "I might kill my wife as it is."
However, she could not tell the facts of the violence when asked by the police because she was afraid of her husband and the belief that no one would be on her side.
Mr. A has also asked a child guidance center staff member, "Can you return your eldest son to you if you divorce your husband?" However, the answer I got back was "I can't get it back even if I get a divorce."
The couple went to a psychiatrist and talked about her husband's violence, but she was only offered counseling to improve her relationship. Eventually, Mr. A came to believe that to endure violence and maintain a marital relationship was the fastest way to meet his son.
The eldest son was allowed to return home after two and a half years, but Mr. A and his eldest son were severely bound up, saying that he could not be allowed to return home.
Mr. A
"The perpetrators of DV and abuse are trying to create a" closed room "by cutting off the relationship between the victim and the outside world so that others do not notice it. It's supposed to be trapped in a "closed room."
Shock the action of the second son
After that, Mr. A continued to consult with schools, child guidance centers, police, etc., but because there was no concrete evidence of violence, I could not receive the support I was expecting, so I consulted with the consultation desk after a short gap. It seems that he had called him and did not respond and was coldly treated.
A friend also told me not to get involved in such a story, and he gave up saying, "SOS will only cut my heart." Meanwhile, there was an event that had a strong impact.
The second son, who was two years old, tried to make up for his parents when he saw his father committing violence. It seemed that the childhood wanted to avoid violence.
Mr. A felt that if he grew up like this, his fear might distort his mind.
"Don't hurt the children anymore"
Mr. A jumped on the Shinkansen with the children without contacting his parents' home, just before the end of the year-end and New Year holidays when he would be "closed door" again. With the determination that she will never return to her husband.
One encounter that changed despair
I just want to escape violence. I want to live in peace with my two children. That was all A wanted.
But I couldn't afford to lose my job. In order to get the second son into a licensed nursery, he had to prove that he was separated from his husband. Before, I contacted the police to see if there was a record of the calls I had when I talked about DV or abuse.
At this time, the police officer who answered the phone gave me a simple word that no one had said before.
"It's not a nursery school. DV is a crime. First you have to protect yourself."
"I have an ally."
In order to proceed with the divorce procedure, I needed to go to my husband's home and gather the necessary documents, but at that time he suggested specific support such as guarding. He also accompanied me to apply for a nursery school.
For the first time, Mr. A felt that he was able to respond personally. Mr. A was able to escape from the damage caused by DV and abuse due to the divorce with his husband established due to police support.
For victims who are now in a "closed room"
Mr. A recalls this time.
Mr. A
"I was able to jump out of the house and break the" closed room ". And I thought that I had police. I could finally break off the damage and escape by two things."
And as the coronary epidemic spreads, I appeal to victims who may be fighting fear right now trapped in a "closed room".
Mr. A
"You may not know where to escape, and you may think that it is useless to ask for help, but I want you to somehow connect with the outside world."
We appeal that the victims' families and friends should be aware of the damage that is difficult to see.
Mr. A: The
victim may not be able to stay with the perpetrator and even ask for help. If any of the people around you notice any abnormalities, I'd like you to make a mistake and report it. I want you to be able to help out the institution like you. "
The important thing is the existence of "understanding"
Mr. A says that it is the existence of an "understanding person" that is important for getting out of the damage. When I think about it, when I escaped from the violent ex-husbands, it was the young child who cared for my mother who pushed me back.
And now, by participating in the DV single-parent community, Mr. A is able to exhale to fellow colleagues who have similar experiences.
I feel that being able to understand oneself is more important than anything else. I would like to let the victims who are secretly trapped in a closed room know the existence of the community that supports them.
Mr. A
“When I was suffering from damage, I was convinced that“ Even if I try to escape or ask for help, no one understands it. It's because I am bad. ”But someone who had the same experience If we can connect with people, we will realize that we are not the ones who are bad. ''
I want to accept Mr. A's thoughts
"I want you to be aware of the voices of the victims who are suffering now, and help as many victims as possible." Even though I am
still not feeling well due to the damage, I thought of Mr. A who responded to the interview. We all must take it and reduce the damage. Yes, I felt strongly.