I want to start this article by apologizing , to anyone who is currently experiencing the torment of remorse after gender correction.
I would like to apologize for not raising my voice earlier, for the fact that medical treatment for experienced gender dysphoria does not always have the desired effect.
A few years ago, the documentary "The Undertakers" was shown in SVT and I recognized in Orlando's history of wanting to be an "ordinary girl", but that the reality after the gender correction was not as expected.
When I spoke in my social media channels, a mined battlefield for public debate awaited me.
I was quickly accused of "destroying other transgender people" by "contributing to a heat chase that could mean that transgender care was withdrawn for those who needed it."
Then I had nothing but my own experiences to base on, so I quickly withdrew my, apparently, controversial thoughts and began to listen to my critics who I experienced "owned" the issue.
Since then, I have actively avoided those parts of my story that stir up strong feelings. But I neither can nor want to keep silent any longer.
When I was a kid, I wanted nothing more than to be a girl.
I had no physical dysphoria but was clearly rebuked by the surroundings because I was breaking the standards of how a little boy would be. The older I got the stronger the pressure from society became and I joined myself more and more in my own world, where I fantasized about being Princess Aurora.
As a 16-year-old, I came out as gay and lived out all the feelings and expressions I have kept within me until now. But even though I was outwardly cocky and proud of my new-found sexuality, I felt a bottomless shame. I thought I was disgusting and longed for a "normal" life.
Just a year later, I met a bunch of pretty trans girls in Pride Park during Stockholm Pride and for the first time learned that a life as a "real" girl was possible.
At this time, I was dressed in drag, like my alter ego Nicole de Lancret.
The feelings of shame once again came to light when I compared my own gender-revealing revelation with the now-female bodies of the reoperated girls.
Not long after that, I came out as a trans girl myself.
It was only after the surgery, which was followed by prolonged depression, that I began to approach the charged word regret over the years.
I probably wouldn't make the correction if I faced the same choice today.
So, I want to apologize to you who might have needed to hear this story before. My firm conviction is that we grow as we listen to each other's experiences, and without the sincerity of such sensitive issues, the knowledge fails.
I am not saying that my experiences are universal and shared by all transgender people who have undergone treatment.
But it is a truth among others and will hopefully contribute as a puzzle piece, to better understand what - in some cases - may be behind feelings like gender dysphoria.