Iñako Díaz-Guerra
Updated Wednesday, March 27, 2024-22:01
"A giant wave would come and sweep me away. It would appear suddenly and take me over. I couldn't do anything, I didn't know the causes, I didn't see it coming and it was uncontrollable. There were times when I couldn't see a way out. The ball was growing and growing and it dominated me. It suffocated me.
Bojan Krkic
(Linyola, 1990) tries to explain at his home in Barcelona the
anxiety attacks
that followed him throughout his career, which he ended last year. "It is very difficult to verbalize, only those who have felt it fully understand it," he resigns.
Despite this, the former Spanish football prodigy who now coordinates
Barça
's football area has decided to try his hand at
'Controlling the uncontrollable
' (Alienta Editorial), the book he publishes next week and which he talks about for the first time in THE WORLD. In it he explains the other side of a career that was a lot, but not everything that others expected. Because that was impossible.
Why have you decided to write the book? I wanted to tell my story and explain everything I have experienced to remember that we are not superheroes or anything like that. Like anyone, we go through some complicated experiences and situations and, as we are lucky enough to be able to reach many people, I think it can help if we tell them. Sometimes it seems that athletes are stronger or that thing that is said so much about us being of a different type. It's a lie, we are made of the same material as everyone else and sometimes we break. I wanted to show that other side, the one that is not about goals and trophies. Cases like yours or the recent one involving Ricky Rubio help break the taboo of mental health in sports, which is a more common problem than it seems. But much more. Hopefully these cases show that elite athletes are people with the same problems and emotions as anyone else and that we should not hide it. I think it will help, above all, new generations to understand that it is something they should not be ashamed of, that it is part of being human and can be faced, treated and overcome like any other adverse situation. You have to normalize it and ask for help as with any injury. When did you realize that something was wrong? How did it start? It started early, halfway through my first season at Barça, because everything happened too quickly and there came a time when there was no room for more things in my head. Everything was happening very quickly for me: making my debut, scoring goals, having a leading role in the first team, attracting attention from the senior team... Too much was expected of me and I was a child. Now we have normalized this, but 16 years ago it was not normal for a 17-year-old kid to be in this complex scenario. There were too many emotions that did not fit within the normal process of management and maturity of a teenager. This debate on the risks of precocity of La Masia footballers is again topical with the physical problems of Pedri, Gavi or Ansu and the responsibility exaggeration that falls on Lamine Yamal and Cubarsí. Is it a dangerous policy? It's difficult. Obviously, if there are so many cases of kids debuting at 17 and 18 years old, 15 in Lamine's case, it is because they have something special and it is impossible to pretend that that gift is not there. They have a differential talent and they deserve the opportunity because they work for it. Yes, how are you going to take away their dream? It is very difficult to control. They have the level, there is a club philosophy and a coach who decides to bet on local people. Barcelona has always done it, but now in this economic situation even more so. It is logical, but together we should all make the effort not to want to go faster than is appropriate. What happens is that it is difficult for Barcelona, due to their situation; the national team, because they are very good, and the press, because they sell, put on the brakes. It's understandable, but we should all protect these kids more so that what happened to me doesn't happen to them.We cannot forget that they are 16 or 17 years old. I know what it is and I had a terrible time.
To know more
Precocity..
Endrick, Lamine Yamal and the adventure of having children in the senior national teams
Editor: EDUARDO J. CASTELAO Madrid
Endrick, Lamine Yamal and the adventure of having children in the senior national teams
In your case, the expectations were insane. More than 400 goals in the youth team, the new Messi, the national team as soon as he turned 18... Was it too much? Of course. Playing made me happy, it always has, but everything else... When you get to the professional world, playing is just one part. People are seeing that you have something different in terms of football and they are already forgetting your age. It doesn't matter, only what you do on the field counts. You are in the middle of the formative process as a person and no one cares because you are judged as an adult, this society of immediacy wants it all and wants it now. I don't know if it was just the expectations that caused the anxiety, but they certainly played a role. After the games, even if I had scored, I would withdraw into myself and isolate myself from everything. It was too much and too fast. From what you say, the psychological problems started earlier than the sporting problems. Yes, four or five months into the season the attacks began. He was playing very well and every day there were good goals, covers and prominence on all sides. That was a problem for me because I have always been a very shy person, I always want to go unnoticed, I don't like crowds... I came from my town, from a quiet life with my family, and suddenly I couldn't go out on the street. . It was a very brutal change and there came a time when I couldn't take so much attention anymore. So to speak, he was tired of being Bojan. Did the locker room know anything? Was he protecting you? They didn't know anything. At that time it was very rare to see a 17-year-old boy in a professional locker room. You enter a world where there are people who have been there for many miles and you are an innocent kid who is starting to get to know the world, but everyone talks about it and you get there without having proven anything. A locker room is not simple. I wouldn't say they greeted me with envy, but with competitiveness. And it's normal. There they do not understand ages. There are eleven starters and they all fight to be so. It doesn't matter if you're 17 or 34, he who plays, plays. How did you react to those first attacks? When this wave of anxiety first appeared, I started to be afraid, because I never knew when I was going to have another attack, when it was going to hit me. again that ball that came from nowhere and I couldn't control. I didn't want to do anything or see anyone. Just being at home, because there I had the peace of mind that, if it happened, no one would see it.
In 2014, tired of fighting against what the world expected of him,
Bojan
decided to leave
Barça
and sign for the modest
Stoke City
. A new beginning. But it is not easy to escape from oneself. "In the terminal, waiting to board the plane to England, I was sad but calm. When I got on the plane, something completely invaded me and I couldn't hold on. Everything came crashing down on me: anxiety, overwhelm, nerves... When the plane was already moving along the runway, I told the flight attendant that they had to stop, she told me it was impossible, I sat on the ground and stopped being aware of what was happening around me. I got so bad that the pilot turned around. I braked
a plane on the runway
. It was a turning point and my most unpleasant moment, but I had worse attacks, only no one was there," he recalls.
Who knew what was happening to you? No one outside my inner circle. In the world of football, showing this weakness could be misinterpreted and could harm you. I knew that to move forward I had to solve it myself. So, I had to stay strong even though, obviously, that situation limited me a lot without people knowing. Although more in what surrounds football than on the field. I didn't go to events and celebrations and people, also, at Barça, didn't understand why, but I knew that being in public was going to generate constant stress for me and I wasn't going to be comfortable. But you were trying. Yes, of course . I have worked with psychologists and professionals for all these years. I only took anxiolytics that first season and after a specific attack, like that one on the plane, but above all I have done therapy. I had a psychoanalyst who helped me a lot in the worst moment and, from that point on, I have always gone hand in hand with a professional to get to know myself, to solve the problem and also to improve when it comes to managing certain situations such as fame. Did you hate fame? Yes, my body never tolerated it. Not even those parts that can dazzle you when you're young. I never liked being the focus of attention a day in my life, although, as the years went by, I now think that there is something beautiful about her that I now value. Thanks to the fact that I have been a soccer player, I can write this book that can help many people. I do like this, but everything else, although I understand that from the outside it may seem very appealing, for me it was an ordeal. Is there a lack of humanity in football? There is. Little, but there is. I am convinced of this because I have met people in the world of football who are still with me and have been very important to me. It is one of the great successes of my career. Now, what could there be more humanity? Definitely. Not only in football, but in society. But probably in another environment it would have been easier for you to talk about your problems. Of course. My father always told me that if he had the slightest physical discomfort, he should not play. For two reasons: because people don't know and are going to judge you as if you were 100% and because, furthermore, they don't want to know either. They don't care, once you're on the field he wants to see your best version and don't tell him that you had an ankle injury. In football what matters is the show and the result, whether someone is having a hard time or is under pressure doesn't matter. In that sense it can be a cruel world. Did you ever think about leaving everything? Obviously, in such adverse situations these types of things cross your mind. The thing is that I knew they were temporary reactions and I didn't give importance to those thoughts. He knew what the problem was and that what he had to do was accept that it is a screwed up moment and he had to face it to move forward. Throwing in the towel and sending everything to hell could be tempting at a given moment, but it didn't fix anything nor was it the solution.
The former footballer, this Monday after the interview.Pedro Salado / Araba Press
You say in the book that loneliness was your biggest enemy.Yes. Loneliness is real and it has hurt me a lot. Surely, the most. My personal situation has meant that I lived outside Spain for 12 years and alone. That's a lot of hours spent at home, with time differences that make it difficult to communicate with my people here... At first, loneliness was even positive because it made me mature, get to know myself and learn to manage certain situations outside my comfort zone, but That only works in a short period of time. When it goes on for too long, the rebound effect comes and makes you think too much about everything, obsess over the bad things and have unpleasant thoughts. It is one of the factors that made me decide to retire. How did you improve? Anxiety is never controlled, but you learn to live with it. When the wave of the turn appears you get scared and that tension makes the wave even bigger. Little by little, I learned that, even if the wave rises, you must remain calm, understanding what is going to happen, it will soak you, but it will not throw you away. When you achieve that, accept that the wave is coming and you are going to survive it, it becomes smaller and smaller. That has been my process at least. Do you think about what your career would have been like if it had been carried out more calmly? I have never considered it. Things have been done the way they have been done and the truth is that I feel privileged. I don't miss playing and I know many footballers who have had a terrible time after retiring. From the first day I've been a motherfucker and that for me is a victory. I have closed a stage of my life that I have lived with great intensity and with situations of all colors that make me feel today a full person and proud of myself. I have known how to close one stage and start another. That my career could have been better? We will never know, but I am sticking with what I have had because all those experiences have brought me here and I am very well here. Has it been a liberation to retire? It has been taking control of my life. I left at 32 years old and physically ready to play, but I felt it was time. I close this stage and start another. There have been 16 seasons as a professional player and staying up there for so many years, with everything you have experienced, is very complex. I have achieved it and these experiences make me feel proud. I wouldn't change anything about my career as a professional and that's why I don't miss it either: I've given everything, I've emptied myself and I've experienced everything, good and bad. It's time to experience football from another side, learn how things work and try to help those players who right now are going through what I went through. Do you talk to the younger ones, like Lamine or Cubarsi, about what happened? I still don't have that trust with them. I try not to be invasive and keep my distance, but if they need to talk about any problem they know that I am there to help. Have you been happy as a footballer? Yes, it has given me a lot. I'm no longer talking to you about celebrations, goals and titles,but to become the person I am. Meeting new people, the bond you make with the fans, reaching the first team, playing for Roma or Milan, saving the category with Mainz, being the first Spaniard to score in the four major leagues... All these situations me They have made you eternally happy. Are you okay now? Very good, really. In a new moment, a stage of learning and I am growing. This has just begun.