Kelly Holmes flashes her widest Olympic-winning smile as she recounts her decades-long ordeal.
Nervous breakdowns, suicidal thoughts, harming yourself, and panic attacks of prosecution.
That was everyday life for the British athletics icon for more than 34 years.
Over.
She is nervous about saying it openly, she says - and does it anyway: "I'm gay", Kelly Holmes is a lesbian.
As the 2004 double Olympic gold medalist spoke those few words that mean everything to the tabloid Mirror's TV camera, she "felt like I was exploding with excitement".
Now, she announces with relief about her coming out, "I'm finally free!"
Holmes was just 17 and new to the army when a soldier's kiss changed everything: "That's when I understood that I had to be a lesbian because it felt good." The problem: In the British army, homosexuality will continue until the year 2000 prosecuted, there are severe penalties up to and including imprisonment.
"I could not"
Holmes reveals herself to her stepfather, but stays in the army for ten years - and lives her sexuality in secret.
In constant fear of being outed.
"There were a lot of dark times when I wished I could shout out that I'm a lesbian - but I couldn't," says the 52-year-old.
Sport was her "salvation", but fear ran with her.
On the eve of the World Cup final over 800 m in Paris in 2003, she injured her arms and legs with a pair of scissors because she finished the game of hide-and-seek - and ran to silver the next day.
A year later she literally flies into the Olympus with gold over 800 and 1500 m in Athens.
The decision to reveal herself only matured in autumn 2020, when she experienced another breakdown after a corona infection.
"I finally wanted to be myself," she says.
She contacts the army and receives the relieving message that she can no longer be prosecuted: "I felt like I could breathe again."
In the documentary "Being me" she tells her story.
"Sometimes," says Kelly Holmes, "I cry with relief."