The difference from even a short relationship can be felt at the end of the world if the feelings for the other have had time to grow deep.
- In my experience, the length of the relationship does not correlate with the intensity of the difference, says Marika Rosenborg, a difference specialist and sexual therapist at Sexpo's Interpersonal Therapy Center.
- Only a moment-long relationship can have such huge expectations that ending it at the moment of falling in love can feel really grueling.
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The two divisions are perceived as particularly vulnerable
Rosenborg has been leading divorce groups for 17 years. He says that typically two separation situations in particular are perceived as particularly vulnerable.
- The first heart aches of youth can be enormous, because at that time it has not yet been seen that after a terminated human relationship usually comes a new human relationship - and often it also feels the most wonderful in the world with that very person.
Another group that can suffer from really severe heartache are those who have gone through a long-term divorce and survived it - who have to face the difference unexpectedly again.
- A long relationship has often been detached for years, or there have been difficulties, so the difference is also a relief.
- Therefore, a greater emotional turmoil can be associated with it if, after a long relationship, a new relationship also fails, which has been perceived as a wonderful opportunity.
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Are you trapped in longing?
If it feels difficult to move forward from heartache, Rosenborg gives the task to consider.
- Some are trapped in longing. It means that all the time they only remember how wonderful everything was and how nothing is nothing after the difference.
In this situation, the divorce expert recommends doing an autopsy on the relationship.
- Think honestly about the relationship. Was it really as wonderful as you now remember after all?
Depending on the length of the relationship, you can concretely think about what you got for yourself in the last year, month, or week.
- Quite often people say that the first year out of five was wonderful.
Surprisingly, many also long for a dream - they don’t even want the relationship itself but what they would have liked it to be.
- It is really common for people to say that “it had so much potential”.
According to Marika Rosenborg, it is common for feelings to be most difficult for 3 to 6 months after the separation.
Photo: Samuel Glassar
This time should start to ease
According to crisis theory, the shock phase is followed by a reaction, work-through and reorientation phase.
According to Rosenborg, it is common for feelings to be most difficult for 3 to 6 months.
- I've also met a lot of people with the difference between the cash can go a year of your days, because of grief and loss is so high.
If, after a year, the feelings are still very difficult, Rosenborg recommends seeking help.
- Then it is good for the doctor to check if the grief has turned into depression.
Grief is a dynamic feeling that goes forward and has different stages.
- Depression solidifies again. As if you are lying at the bottom of a well staring at the sky, and night and day are equally gray.
Do you notice a repetitive pattern in your relationships?
If the experience can be handled correctly, something good can follow from the grief of the heart.
- Regardless of age, you can always learn something new, Rosenborg says.
- Especially if you find that a certain pattern is repeated in your relationships, you should stop to ask what unites the relationships. Consider how they have started, whether the same problems have been encountered - and whether there is anything you could do differently next time.
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This is how you get over heartache
1. Don't be left alone
Seek support from friends if possible, or if the situation feels really difficult, consider therapy. At the acute moment of separation, it can be very consuming to go through what happened alone.
2. Be compassionate to yourself
Confirm the idea that despite the difference, you are worth loving. It is not your fault if another person has treated you badly, disrespectfully or unfairly. Bad behavior is the responsibility of another - and you may ask yourself if you would have genuinely wanted to be with someone who treats you like this.
3. Don’t avoid emotions
Remember that emotions are not dangerous. Even if it feels really distressing and bad now, you won’t die in emotion. Don’t run away from the emotions but agree to deal with them and go through them. Harmful behaviors include, for example, escaping intoxicants or changing relationships.
4. Allow yourself to mourn and be angry
Emotions always have a purpose of their own. When separated, emotions are often need-based: they arise, for example, from the fact that the need for security or becoming loved has not materialized. You will feel sadness and anger, but be angry constructively and not destructively. For example, pouring anger on one's neck or throwing objects on a wall is devastating.
5. Seek help if heartache persists
If you feel like you’re stuck and your emotions always come again and again harder, consider joining a divorce group. It is empowering to hear the experiences of others in the same situation in the group - and also the experiences of the abandoners, because they can happen too.