A book about her arrest at Tomorrowland and everything that preceded it: Imanuelle Grives hopes to help others with it.

The actress tells in conversation with NU.nl that at the time she could only think that she had nothing more to lose, and therefore did what she did.

She hopes that others will be ahead of that moment, partly because of her story.

"I had really convinced myself: death or the gladioli. In my head I had already failed, so what did I have to lose? I was looking for a kick, I was looking for a way to trick my father. I wanted do something stupid. I was like a little kid: I'm not doing it right? Then I'll show you how wrong I can do it! "

The actress was arrested in July 2019 at the Belgian music festival Tomorrowland with drugs in her possession.

Forbidden substances were also found in the house where she and two friends stayed.

Grives was sentenced to one year in prison, but because of Belgian rules and because she had been in custody for two months, she did not have to return to prison.

Grives tells about the period before the arrest, in which she was struggling with depression, and her time in prison in

Imanuelle: My fighter heart

.

"It was a very intense time, but mainly because of what happened in myself. I was literally stripped of everything I was, everything I had. My clothes, my hair, but especially my thoughts. While I was in the prison, the prison opened in my head. "

'I blamed everything and everyone'

The actress writes about her father, who sets high standards for his children.

Grives felt a strong need to oppose that.

"How can you tease an extremely Christian father? Through drugs and rebellion. It's actually quite cliché: a daughter looking for recognition from her father. But it was."

Still, in prison, Grives found that the problem lay with her.

"The feeling that I was a failure, that I was not funny, not smart, or beautiful enough, got stronger and stronger. At that time I blamed everything and everyone for my pain. But in prison I saw it: nobody else has To blame for this. Only me. "

"Actually quite tragic. That you need the tranquility of the prison to reach such a conclusion. But it did help me. There I realized: I have to work with myself. I was a ball of unspoken grief and sorrow. frustration. I could have been given a second chance because it could have gone so much more wrong. If I hadn't been arrested there then it might have been an overdose, but somewhere I would have come to a standstill after years of running away from myself. "

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View the book trailer of Mijn Vechtershart

A hard reset

The actress calls it a hard reset.

“Suddenly everything was gone. I was no longer 'that actress', but just Imanuelle. My coach said to me: ask yourself why you do things. Why do I think acting is so important? Because then I can be anything I want. But why else can't I? Because I'm afraid that my emotions will not be accepted, because I'm not good enough. It's been a long, intensive process, but I'm proud that I did it. "

"I also thought: everything that I fear could come out, I have to write down. About my depression, about my feelings of failure. About the problems with my father, about my childhood. I am no longer afraid. It feels like a liberation to have it on paper. "

"This book is for anyone who is silently suffering from depression. For all celebrities - and believe me, there are many - who struggle with fears. For all women who feel that they should always radiate positivity. Life is not always '

Live, love, laugh

'. Get your head out of the sand. "

Positive into the future

Grives is now looking forward to the future.

"Of course there will be people who say: she does not deserve a second chance at all. Or people who think that I am being pitiful or ask for attention. That's fine, I can now live with that. happened, or was said in the past. I now choose to leave that behind. "

"I want to focus on real positivity. Sincere responses like I've already had and for which I'm so grateful. No more, just keep going because I have to, no longer expect me to do it perfectly."

"I'm not doing it perfectly and I'm no longer afraid of not being good enough. I learn from mistakes. I want to pass that on to others too, so I'm working on a platform for women. Where self-love is central. ballast, all those negative thoughts, have come as far as I am now. Can you imagine what I can do now that the ballast is gone. "