THE SEXO QUESTION - Why does the fieryness of the first moments not last in a relationship?

Many couples try to keep the flame going after several months or years of dating.

In the program 

 on Europe 1, the sexologist and psychiatrist Catherine Blanc answers the question of a listener who wonders why, in a relationship, the ardor of the first moments is no longer the same over time. past.

Alexander's question

"We often hear that love lasts three years. There has even been a book on this theme. Is it really proven? Well, it's true that we must recognize that the ardor of the first months and the first years pass fast enough anyway. How to explain it? "

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Catherine Blanc's response

"It's the title of a book and it's a reality. Not necessarily after three years, because some don't get that far. It can be three months or three days. That begs the question of how love works Love at first is a projection that we make, on each other, on what you are, you can be, you will be, you will allow you to do etc. Then, little one little by little, there is the encounter with the reality of the other, that is to say everything that you are not exactly of my projection and my reverie. However, you are a force for proposal and possibility And often we do not accept to deal with the reality of the other.

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Don't we confuse love and ardor?

We confuse love and being in love, which refers to the notion of being aroused by the other, not only sexually, but of being excited to be with the other, to share things with the other, that we miss him.

Afterwards, afterwards, that doesn't mean that we don't have lots of things to do.

We confuse the romantic relationship with sexual desire.

We have the feeling that this initial impetus will be the impetus of always and that if it is no more, it is because there will be no more love.

In reality, what happens at the beginning is that we are afraid of not pleasing the other, of losing them, that someone else will be preferred over us.

So we implement a lot of things, we are in insecurity.

Is it more masculine or feminine to feel weariness?

This is true on both sides.

Then, in a relationship, we have the pleasure of comfort, the pleasure of the security that we have offered to each other.

Then there is the difficulty of being creative in the relationship, reinventing yourself and reinventing the relationship.

Some people have the impression that reinventing oneself automatically means different positions, going to a hotel, spending a short weekend ... That this is what will give enthusiasm.

When in reality it is changing our own standards rather than offering the evidence of ourselves.

We're going to have to dig a little deeper and people would rather not have to dig into the relationship.

What should we therefore retain from this three-year stage?

It is useless, we can continue ... Afterwards we will say that it is because of the children, because we have aged and that we have a wrinkle of crow's feet ... No, in reality , you must always be able to re-envision the situation.

In sexuality for example, people will make love in a certain way and say to themselves that if they ever move something, the other will be surprised, not recognize it, it will be suspicious, etc.

So we always apply ourselves to doing the same thing, to reacting in the same way and that's how we lock ourselves up, that we lock up the relationship.

We must therefore be able to move without fear of getting lost, surprising the other or worrying the other.

Can love therefore continue without ardor forever?

Passion is not just comfortable, passion is absolutely great, but it is an obvious source of anxiety.

Insofar as I am full of ardor, I fear that the other does not share my ardor.

We're all looking for something that's pretty calm, sweet enough,

.

So no, don't worry if things have their ups and downs.

Highs can be wonderful, full of excitement.

These are times when we exclude ourselves from the world and we are both.

Then there are times when we enter the world and we will enrich ourselves elsewhere.

Others are interesting and exciting because they nourish us and that then nourishes the relationship. 

Does it also have to go through seduction?

Yes, but it is not always by putting yourself on your 31st, it is also by being full of proposals, again and again. "