“Shocked ghost” tormenting mom October 5th 10:58

“Children should go to bed by 20:00” “Even if tired, cooking should be done hard” “Must pick up at nursery school”… Now, the obsession that “should be” for mothers who are raising children is struggling. What “mighty ghosts” moms are obsessed with? . How should we face each other? (Production Bureau Director Ayumi Okada)

“Shocking ghosts” for moms

However, in the special feature “Closed-up” “Hikikomori” broadcasted in August, we introduced that the “air” and “common sense” of “to-do” became obsessions and afflicted the people of the withdrawal. The interview team named this obsession as “shock ghost” and called on Twitter “What is“ shock ghost ”that afflicts you?” A lot of voices came from mothers raising children.

“Until 3 years old, mother should raise child” “Shake good mother” “Cooking even if you are tired” “You should make a smile in front of your child” “You should put your child to sleep by 20:00” “Must be a good mother who gives priority to children”

A ghost that should be a good wife wise mother

I was able to hear from a woman who tweeted, “Women should be good wife wise mothers.”

Nana (35) who raises 4 and 2 year old girls while working as a swimming instructor.

“I have to take care of my husband who is tired from work, and do my housework and childcare perfectly.”

It is said that it posted unintentionally from the pressure.

My husband works night shifts, and on weekdays I have one-op childcare, from pick-up to daycare. A recent problem is that I want to put my daughters to sleep before 20:00, considering the growth of their daughters, but 22:00 has passed. Nana himself was raised by her mother, saying, “You must not sleep by 20:00.” For this reason, it is said that a bad mother who cannot adjust her child's life rhythm blame herself and end her child out of impatience.

"I don't enjoy taking care of the children after coming back to the nursery school. I'm not laughing." Early and early "is a habit, eating, taking a bath, and defeating work. It's late at 21 o'clock. I should n’t be able to make a Buddha. ”

A ghost that should be brought up according to the childcare book

Many mothers ask for the right answer for childcare.

Mr. Yaena (30) lives in Machida City. I am raising a boy who is 1 year and 8 months old.

It is said that he took a childcare book to ask for help in the first child-rearing, when there was no family or acquaintance to trust.

"I read a lot of childcare books. I wrote" I'll eat this at this time. "It says that meals should also be handmade, so I thought I had to do it. I'm a bad mom. Nothing is fun and I'm depressed. "

In the first few months after childbirth, it was said that the child's growth did not follow the childcare book, and he was in a “postpartum depression” where tears did not stop all day.

Lectures for mothers suffering from these “powers” ​​are held in several municipalities. Its name is "I have no perfect parents!" I visited a course in Machida City.

Participants were 11 mothers with children aged 1 to 2 years.

In the course, we will work together with facilitators who have experience as nursery teachers to solve the problems that moms face in everyday child-rearing.

For example, in response to the worries of “too much candy to eat, you can't say it's over”, first consider why you ’re worried.

There was an opinion that "I don't want to eat sweets with additives" and "I'm in trouble because I won't eat rice". Next, I will present and think about how I can solve it.

The idea was to “make snacks by hand” and “make sweet potato and other snacks”. This course is held 6 times a week. The results of practicing the solution will be announced the following week.

There is no perfect parent!

The most important thing is to “accept what went wrong”. Instead of blaming yourself for not being able to make it by hand, talk again where it was impossible.

“I want to realize that I can't do what I want, or think again that there are other ways, or realize that“ the solutions I think are not everything ”” (facilitator)

Being careful is “do not give concrete solutions or advice”.

The casual advice that I thought would be good is that a mother who is troubled with child-rearing turns it into “should”, and conversely drives her mother down.

Yuka (30), one of the participants. The idea was that children should give homemade snacks, but it was said that they were liberated as they sought out solutions to their worries with other participants.

“I felt like I had to do what I thought I had to do with someone else and that there were many ways to do it. I realized that if it did n’t go as expected, it would be inevitable at this time. ”

Machida City started this course five years ago. It was triggered by a series of consultations from mothers who suffered.

In some cases, the mother who had imposed herself “should give a homemade meal” frustrated a child who did not eat home cooking, and raised her hands, so picking out the sprouts quickly saved the mother from loneliness and was miserable The idea was to prevent the incident.

“Our business is ultimately prevention of abuse. The process of reconsidering the attitude of mothers and their own attitudes as they may become abusive due to the accumulation of anxiety and burden that gradually accumulates. I think that is important "(Machida City Child Care Promotion Division)

A ghost that should work hard for housework and childcare without human help

In fact, I (director) is one of the mothers who are obsessed with ghosts.

What agonizes me during child-rearing of 2-year-old and 0-year-old children is “a ghost that should do my best in domestic child-rearing without the help of other people”. The eldest son has food allergies such as eggs, dairy products and wheat, and can't rely on eating out or side dishes. So I use the local housekeeping support, but I can't say that to my mama friend at the nursery school.

Other moms seem to work harder than they do, and sometimes they are behind work prioritizing their children's meals.

When I proceeded with the interview, I found that many mothers were obsessed with this “I should do my best alone”.

Nao who raises three children (39). I live next door to my parents' house and work full-time with my parents helping me prepare meals and pick up a nursery school.

However, he seems to pretend to make his own food for his colleagues.

The reason is that the seniors in the workplace responded to their parents' support.

"You're told, 'What do you care about your parents? You have to do it yourself. We've come on our own." I was shocked and then I couldn't be honest. "

The feeling of “don't be sweet” is particularly plaguing moms who are full-time housewives.

Eri (35) raising a one-year-old girl.

"I feel sorry because my husband is doing a lot of things. Some people are working full-time, but I'm a full-time housewife, but I can't do anything. I'm saying it's okay, but I can't be pampered, I'm caught up in the housework, childcare, everything I do as a full-time housewife. "

Many full-time housewives are guilty of having their own time.

“I was really looking forward to that day three months before I made a reservation for temporary childcare. But my husband seemed to be stubborn and I couldn't say it was refreshing. I asked if I could go there because the childcare space was miraculously free, and even if I made my time, I felt fun and guilty in a set, and my mom is amazing.

Should the ghost be a relic from the 70s? !

Where does "the mother should be alone for housework and childcare" that afflict these mothers?

Mr. Masami Ohinata, President of Keisen Jogakuen University, who is familiar with the psychology of dads and moms who are struggling with child-raising and is also the director of the child-rearing open space “Ai Port”, is not a ghost. I point out that it was an indispensable model for the establishment of the Japanese economy.

“Until the 1910s, the mother was also an agricultural and fishing labor force, so she had no idea of ​​raising her mother alone. However, capitalism was introduced in the middle of the Taisho era, and salarymen's families appeared in some parts of the city. The first full-time housewife was born in Japanese society, and at the same time a childcare book for mothers (such as the “Children's Association Time Report”) was published, and “Childcare is one person based on scientific knowledge. After that, an overwhelming number of women became full-time housewives during the period of high economic growth, and this theory was strengthened. It ’s a time when it ’s not possible, and again we ’re in an age where we need to think about how to raise children together. ”

Nevertheless, why are mothers obsessed with what they should be over 50 years ago?

“The mothers and grandmothers of today's moms are the generations who have been working as full-time housewives, struggling with solitary troops, who have been carrying on their own childcare. Regardless, the governments at that time appealed to the emotions with the love of mothers, the beautiful appearance of women, and the beautiful maternity theory, so wouldn't they be emotionally approaching their daughters? I threw everything away and did everything to you. ''

In addition to this emotional pressure from the parent generation, I also point out that the recent trend of “women's active participation in women” has made full-time housewives demand more perfection than full-time housewives in the 70s.

“Woman's way of life has always been tossed by the political economy. Now that the need for women to play an active role is screaming because of the declining birthrate and aging population, moms of full-time housewives say“ I am not helpful in a society where women are active. I tend to think that I have to do child-raising in work mode. ”As a result, I want to feel the achievement of working hard.

I think that full-time housewives are one of the active roles. However, with the trend of the times, as working women hit the spot, professional moms may impose perfection on their own and create “ghosts” from the desire to “recognize and be praised by society” Hmm.

Separation of power

I was asked to think about how to make it easier for mommy mothers.

That is “shattering of power”.

Mr. Ohinata writes out what he should do and finds the difference between “should” that is being swayed by the expectations of others and “should” he wants to do. Saying that it is effective to analyze whether you are caught.

“Let's throw away the things that do n’t fit the times. Let ’s use what you want to do, not the human eye. If you think you ’d like to do it as a mother, it ’s“ should be a “ghost” ”. Don't say it, I want you to cherish it as it should be, because it will give you a sense of satisfaction even if you don't give up. "

In addition, I would like them to acquire analytical skills to think about the difficulty of childcare as a social issue.

“Why is it hard to raise children now and why my husband can't raise children? Let's analyze it as a social issue, and raise your voice. You don't have to fight alone. There are a lot of people who want to “make private things social”

What do you want

Now is a time when women can choose their way of life.
On the other hand, childcare information overflows on the Internet, and the contents of other people's lunches can also be seen on SNS, making it difficult to compare with others. That's why I felt through interviews that "what my mother wants to do" is being asked.

If you are worried or worried, why don't you think about what you want to do first? If that doesn't work, it's not your problem. Please raise your voice. I want to change society together.

I would like to continue to cover ghosts that should be raised. # Please post your opinion on the ghost that should be raised.

You can also send us your opinions from the special site "Do not worry alone". Please see from the link below.

"Isolate" Don't worry alone

Production Bureau Director Ayumi Okada