Last Saturday I took my two daughters and their friends riding like every week. That sounds elitist now, but it is not a glamorous stud farm with shiny Hanoverians, but a small down-to-earth club with tolerable membership fees and with compatible horses and ponies without an impressive pedigree.
As always, we were late, the horses still had to be fetched from the pasture, and at some point everyone was in the hall, except for one of my daughters, who was still getting her pony ready. I helped her with the bridle, slightly hectic, admittedly. She asked a question, I answered brusquely, and she said, "Mom, you need to get your emotions under control!"
First I swallowed, then replied that she was right, the tone was not appropriate. And when she disappeared into the hall with her pony and I went for a walk with the dog, I started to think: Why doesn't my emotion management meet my own standards? Why did the time pressure make me lose control? It has always been important to me that our twin daughters, who are now 14 years old, perceive, accept and live their emotions, but also that they can regulate their feelings and are not at their mercy. Not even if, as in my case, aggression is a symptom of stress. I wanted to be a good role model.
I don't know how many times I've run below my target bar. But I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this. That's a bit comforting. The parenting expert and bestselling author Nora Imlau said in an interview: "Nowadays, parents are usually very well informed about parenting. Knowledge helps them, but at the same time puts pressure on them, as they constantly feel that they do not live up to this ideal. That's why it's an important element of my work to emphasize that parents don't have to be perfect."
So you don't always have to do everything right, but it's important to apologize to the children for your own misbehavior towards them and explain it. You still don't feel great. Well, I certainly don't.
Conversely, it is also not easy for parents to deal with their child's tantrum, for example, if some things do not go the way the child wants them to. When there is only one scoop of ice cream instead of two. If the child is supposed to put on a thick jacket in winter. When the schoolwork needs to be done. "Children are quickly frustrated. Often simply because they don't get what they want. Children know what they want – not what they need," explains guidebook author Mathias Voelchert. Children are damaged when their integrity is violated, through punishments, threats, fear-mongering. Then the child experiences himself as a thing. And that's not what children want, that's not what people want. People want to be seen individually as a subject and not treated as an object.«
Parents don't want that either. But you can sometimes feel like you're being treated like a household item when people yell at you "Go out and close the door" because you're disturbing your chilling by bringing the freshly washed laundry into your room.
How do you and your children deal with emotions? Do you sometimes feel like you're out of control? Feel free to write it to me at familie@spiegel.de .
My reading tips
Even if they have the same parents, the emotional regulation of our twin daughters is completely different. One goes up in the air faster than the other. That's just the way it is with two different people. But because the mood and emotion ups and downs are also part of puberty, we bought a dog as a comforter (okay, also because I've always wanted a dog). I think he's doing his job pretty well.
Dog trainer Nick Martens says: "Dogs don't judge people. That's why some people may show feelings in front of their dog that they would otherwise hide, cuddle with him when they are sad, and find this closeness to the animal comforting. It has been scientifically proven that just petting a dog lowers stress levels." I can confirm this – unscientifically, but empirically.
Some, younger children, however, are actually at the mercy of their feelings. For some years now, there has been the technical term "Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder". About two to three percent of children cannot control their emotions, become very angry after frustrations or turn away. At school, these children are considered troublemakers, uneducable, deniing. But this is not a refusal, but excessive demands," says child psychiatrist Michael Schulte-Markwort. In his experience, these are children who are not made for the "no". Unfortunately, too many people believe that the symptoms of this disorder are the result of unenforced rules.
Regulating one's emotions better can be practiced at any age. The psychologist and author Anne Otto and the psychotherapist Andreas Knuf have developed a training program for SPIEGEL Coaching. I can only recommend it, even to myself, by the way. It is also available as a podcast.
The Last Judgement
If possible, you should not tie food too closely to emotions. Where this can lead is described by Renate Kiener, who became severely overweight as a result. "There wasn't really a feeling that I didn't push away or reinforce with food," says Kiener. Your way out of obesity: intuitive eating. Nevertheless, it is of course good for us to eat good food. Recipes for every day can be found in the cooking column »Nerve Food« by Verena Lugert. This week she gets us in the mood for summer with a strawberry rhubarb jam with basil.
My moment
Later, I spoke to my daughter again about my emotional slip at the equestrian center. "Yes," she said, "you really need to come down. We're not so stressed all the time. ›I have to do push-ups now‹ (she hurriedly does three push-ups), ›I have to clean up‹ (she jumps up and grabs a few things), ›I still have to learn vocabulary‹. No! Take an example from us!«
And then she grinned happily at me.
Yours sincerely,
Marianne Wellershoff