• Chronicle The suicide attempt of the child Pol: "I thought about recording his cries of pain and having the mothers of his bullies hear them"
  • Prevention Reduce pain, strengthen bonding and offer hope... How to Help a Teen Thinking About Suicide

A month ago today, Pol, 15 years old and who suffers from autism, tried to commit suicide in La Rápita (Tarragona) after suffering the taunts of his high school classmates. "In his farewell letter, among other things, he said that he does not want to live in a world where bad people are applauded and sensitive, noble and good-hearted people always have those to lose," his father wrote in the text with which he made public what happened. Since then, his mother, Julia Herrera, is writing an emotional diary where she narrates the evolution of Pol, who suffered fractures in his arms, legs, ribs and vertebrae. Here are some passages.

FEBRUARY 21

Pol has asked me to publish. Mistreatment has consequences. Lack of empathy, prejudices, have these consequences. He, who is supposed to have no empathy, who teaches mathematics to his classmates, has asked me to put the photo [in the image published by the mother you can see him with his limbs bandaged in the hospital bed]. Parents, it is you who have to educate. He has a spinal operation on Friday morning. Knowing that he will walk again helps him. Yesterday we spoke with the Mossos, the Catalan police. They have a protocol for cabbages and institutes. And they will give a talk in their class.

Julia grabs her son's hand at the hospital.

FEBRUARY 24

Rain. I love the rain. Cleans, nourishes. Sometimes it destroys. Regenerates. Pol is operated on today or tomorrow I don't know. Early on Friday. It is an important operation. Yesterday Pol spent a regular day. Does not tolerate food. He wants to have surgery. A new life is here. I will do my best to give voice to the rare, the excluded, those who are marginalized by society. I just realized that I want to fight why those who bully are also victims of a rotten society. Pol wants to convey that mistreatment has consequences. He does not want to hurt anyone, but he wants to serve so that this does not happen again.

(8.35 a.m.). He is already in the operating room. To keep praying. When I said "to the operating room" he replied: "Great". That's the attitude.

(16.14 hours). He is still in the operating room but they are finishing. Everything has gone very well. Yes, very well. And now they are on their heels, so they won't need any more operations. The dolls were fine. Now wait and see. They don't know the scope but it looks good.

FEBRUARY 25

(2.49 hours) We have received tons of love and that is priceless. And they have also left us a flat 10 minutes from the hospital. I have been asked for the home address to send gifts, cards and expressions of support for Pol. He loves Pokémon. My friends have made me bizum. Incredible. We have some savings. But the truth is, they are welcome. We have hospital for months. The expenses these days are brutal but money is only money, just as it comes in. I have lived through these miracles, of money appearing as if out of nowhere. Like now. I've freaked out about bizum. No matter the amount. It all adds up.

(8.17 a.m.). The regular night. Well, normal after such an operation. For you to see my dark side, I have been about to record audios and have them heard by the mothers of the harassers. "It hurts, it hurts me a lot, I can't, how I got here" and various screams. The voice of my son desperate with pain. That destroys me, more than the hours on call. But it is an apprenticeship. I say, "Pol don't shut up. Complain, take it all out. You don't have to endure pain." And we have succeeded.

(3.47 hours). This is a tough day. He is in a lot of pain. If they put him more soothing (he goes even with morphine) he vomits and is very dizzy. If you get dropped, it hurts. They're juggling various kinds of painkillers, but it screams that break my soul. "The hand, Mom, shake my hand." In Pol's high school there is movement. They are moving. I've been called from TV. "Pol, do you see yourself strong enough to go on TV?" Yes, but later." So let's take it to the end.

FEBRUARY 27

(1.26 a.m.). This afternoon I fell apart. Pol had a crisis. Of pain, of cold, of hallucinations... It hurts so much. I have seen the wounds of the legs. Who did this to you? And yes, you feel guilty: if something more could have been done, if it could have been avoided. I do not know. But there you are, all holding. I feel the light and the energy. Thank you. In the hospital the attention is extraordinary.

(15.30 hours). This morning all the doctors have passed. Pol is progressing. They have lifted it for a scant 10 minutes and that has been a very big advance. He has grown very tired. And it hurts a lot. Then we have left it resting, we have made a purchase and the new house, which they leave us in Reus. A wonder surrounded by olive trees. A super nice older couple has given me lentils for dinner tonight. And then, the media. La Ser, La Vanguardia... Pending interview with TV3, and La 1. Let your voice be heard Pol!

FEBRUARY 28

How hard this is going to be. Pol wants to walk and is stuck in a bed. Cries could be heard throughout the plant. He has had to be sedated.

MARCH 1

(9.03 a.m.). Pol has slept soundly tonight. He even snores. How life changes when you have such an experience, everything is so relativized. He's alive and he's looking forward to it. And the shows of affection and support many. Infinite thanks.

(23.43 hours). Very good news. Pol is more awake and lively. Now he's eating. Rehabilitation has begun. We will do the whole process here, in Tarragona, because the marrow is affected and here are the specialists.

MARCH 3

(00.45 hours). They have uploaded it to the floor. Quieter. This afternoon a girl from another class, from high school, came to see him. They didn't know each other at all. He has brought balloons and sweets. Tomorrow we will decorate your room. Pol is aware and is savoring his new life. He ate slowly, and told me: "What I would give to be able to scratch." He cannot use his hands with his mobile, he has operated on both wrists and he has them with casts. A total abuse. But it is what there is.

(16.28 hours). Pol has already left the U. C. I. In is on the floor, has a room for him alone and already wants to start working with the physios. Now he has only one goal: to get back on track as soon as possible. We have plenty of time to talk. Today I asked him a question: "Pol, were the guys who made fun of you good or bad students?" The kids who say inappropriate things to me, most of the time they're the same guys who go through everything in class."

I make the reflection that these children with few moral values and who rarely take advantage of their intellect properly, to excel in the group, have to resort to being the machito. And I speak in masculine because those who have disrespected Pol have always been boys. Where the real problem begins is when their colleagues laugh at them, this is where we are beginning to put the seed of an abusive future, hence the phrase of Pol: "The bad guys are applauded".

(23.17 hours). A woman has come this morning. "You don't know me, I'm the mother of an ASD child and two years ago I went through the same thing." What a hug we have given each other. "I congratulate you on the visibility you have given him. I didn't dare." It will still do some good.

Messages of encouragement from your colleagues.

MARCH 4

Yesterday afternoon he did many X-rays again. Today he has visitors. How glad I am. He grimaces, a mini smile, every time he receives a video, a text message or a visit. Life has given us all another chance. Schools move. Talks are proposed. Yesterday a friend told me, "I told you to go for coffee with a 'weird' co-worker." My struggle is that, within my possibilities, there is no other Pol, there is not a person who suffers so much from the lack of empathy of the people around him. And yes, the teenagers who made fun of him are victims. Without emotional education, with that vision of life. The first candidates for failure and suicide are them too. You have to go to the origin. This must be stopped.

MARCH 5

Good news and bad news. They are actually good. Today they have done the cures and removed the cast from his right leg. He has had a couple of visits and spent a lively day. But... He has had a crisis again. From the phantom leg. It was the leg they most feared would not have sensitivity. It started to hurt, and I wanted to move it and I couldn't. That pain is a good sign, because the leg has awakened. He had me hugging while crying inconsolably. He just fell asleep. And here I am, with a pain in my chest that I die. I write and that comforts me a little. Really, someday I will see the meaning of this. My child.

MARCH 7

The night will be long. When I arrived Pol was in a crisis. That we have abandoned him, that he feels so alone... He was hugging the pillow: "This is my friend, my only friend..." He cried desperately. He hugs me. He begins to rave that there are people who want to hurt him. The legs. He doesn't feel his legs. He is panicking. It has taken more than an hour and three pills to calm down. I've played soft music on it. He remains restless, but sleeps. I am grateful for the money you are entering, it gives us a lot of peace of mind but what I want is to work. I'm not for that. I'm so afraid that something will happen to him, that I'll be wrong again... My place now is here, grabbing his hand, telling him that he is safe and that he is doing very well.

PS: I feel helpless when the director of the institute denies everything, he has painted the entire façade and there are no more graffiti, in the newspapers they say that we are not going to denounce because I think so. There can be no other Pol.

MARCH 9

This is progressing. Today Pol got up in the morning and again in the afternoon. He does the leg exercises. Now he is motivated to stay up and be able to move around in a wheelchair to sunbathe.

MARCH 10

Fever. Today he has come to visit the fever, high fever. Analytics and cultures to see where it comes from. He has barely eaten. But it's quiet. These days are a bit like when I had a baby. I lived in a world apart, in fusion with him. Taking care of him was my main purpose. Breastfeed him, make him clean and comfortable. I watched it for hours with those long, bushy eyelashes. The heart-to-heart connection was fluid, I was afraid I wouldn't know how to take care of such a small creature, and here it is. It is the closest thing to unconditional love. [...] Even when he sleeps soundly I go over to see if he is breathing. What nonsense, right?

MARCH 12

Today I felt sad and very tired. I see pictures of Pol walking, bathing on the beach. I do not know. I don't know if we'll do it the same again. That I don't know pushes me to trust in life. The mind imagines different scenarios and what I want is to return to my house and continue with the life I had. But that is not possible. 20 days without leaving the hospital or a room, almost without seeing the sun and having the air touch.

MARCH 13

Yesterday Pol taught me, again, a lesson. We were talking about the next step, the talk he wants to give in high school. To take legal action.

"Mom, I had a depression. There are no culprits.

"But Pol, what about them, the boys?"

"They don't know, Mom. And besides, this will be remembered for a long time. Things just happen.

-It's okay Pol, but I want to take the opportunity to do something. Something has gone wrong for this to have happened.

-Let everyone assume their responsibility. I totally assume mine.

"Well, that, Pol, let's go for it.

I was speechless. There are no culprits. Years of inner work, meditation and such, and a 15-year-old has the answer.

MARCH 14

The night has been moved. I'm so glad to be by your side. It is as if she is accompanying him in his birth, in his own rebirth. We have, yes, we have, gone through a lot of pain. They have had to put a track again, the pee probe has been obstructed. In the end they have put another one. He had a clot. It hurts a lot. I have rarely felt him cry like this. The nurses have believed me when I told them that he is hypotonic to pain, that is, when Pol says "oh" it already hurts a lot. He was given a painkiller right away before the catheter was changed. He has fallen asleep hugging me. I have not been able to rest and I have been in the armchair. Waiting for peace and silence. One more night overcome.

MARCH 16

Today the rehabilitation team has come. Super nice. They will check the amount of food, taking into account your age (read eat like a lime). They will review their evolution in detail. On day 20 you will have x-rays of everything. When they said the 20th my heart has skipped a beat: on the 20th it will be a month. A month of this new movie I have no idea-what-to call it. If all is well, the casts will be removed from your wrists. See what a beautiful prayer circle for Pol.

According to The Trust Project criteria

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  • Bizum
  • Tarragona
  • Mossos d'Esquadra