Linda is a newspaper editor who went through a difficult crisis when a relationship with her best friend began to turn negative. She says that her best friend from many years ago was a young actress. They were completely different in many ways, but they cared deeply for each other. They talked a lot until late at night and laughed a lot together. .

The change in the dynamics of Linda's relationship with her friend came gradually. As Linda's friend's bank account grew and she bought a house nicer than her first, she began making biting comments about Linda's small "studio" and her own modest finances.

Linda says about this, according to what was reported by family therapist Kathy McCoy in an article in Psychology Today magazine: “I was not jealous of my girlfriend, I loved my job and the place I lived in, and I was very happy for her. But, more and more, She treated me as less than her. She started calling me at work, asking me to do some errands for her during her lunch hour."

The fatal blow to Linda's friendship comes when her friend offers her the chance to quit the job she knows she loves and become her direct personal assistant.

Perhaps this was the straw that broke the camel's back, Linda says: "When I refused, she was shocked, and described me as foolish and did not appreciate her favour. She moved away, and we became strangers to each other. It is true that I miss the closeness that we felt towards each other one day, but I do not miss The toxicity I felt at the end of our friendship.” (1)

Friendships.. the crying laugh

Friends give us a strong sense of companionship, relieve feelings of loneliness, and contribute to enhancing and sustaining self-esteem and life satisfaction.

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The movie "Cast Away", starring Tom Hanks, which was produced in 2000, presents a friendship of a special kind, which was able to save the hero of the film from the multiple psychological pains he was exposed to when he found himself completely alone on a remote island after the plane he was traveling in crashed. This friendship was not with another person, but with a "ball" that the hero called "Wilson".

(2)

Traditional stories and dramas often revolve around the ability of friendship to save us even in the darkest and worst situations. Some heritage stories and even scientific experiments told us that a friend has a great positive effect, even if it is an inanimate object or a pet.

For example, a study published in January 2021 demonstrated the importance of friendship in supporting and promoting health and well-being.

The study, which was coordinated by the Department of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University in the US and the Department of Psychology at Michigan State University, asked a simple question: Is prioritizing friendships more beneficial in some situations than others?

During the study, the researchers studied how some factors such as the level of culture and country were related to the importance that people attach to friendships and the benefits resulting from them. The study sample included about 323,200 people from 99 countries around the world.

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Multilevel analyzes revealed that women, people with higher educational levels, and people living in more economically equal countries place a greater value on friendships, and the study found that prioritizing friendships in life was associated with improved health and well-being (3)

According to many studies, there is a reliable link between social support and mental and physical health, and an important source of this social support is friends. (4) Friends give us a strong sense of companionship, relieve feelings of loneliness, and contribute to enhancing and supporting self-esteem and life satisfaction.

Some studies also revealed that friendship affects health sometimes to a greater extent than marital relationships and relationships with parents.

Friends also help individuals to establish healthy behaviors in their lives. For example, seeing a friend trying to lose weight is linked to the individual's commitment to maintaining a healthy weight. (5)

But "friendship" is not good in its entirety, as it makes us cry, hurts, and may sometimes harm us, just as it makes us laugh, supports us, and enhances our well-being at other times.

Depression and negative health behaviors can also spread through friend networks, as some may tend to commit suicide, smoking and other forms of drug abuse when surrounded by peers with these problems. (6)

But there is a hidden type of negative friendships, this friend does not push you to take drugs or crime, but drains you mentally and knows very well his way to frustrate you and discourage you.

Specialists today tend to describe this type of friendship as “toxic friendships” (1).

Pamela Duff, a mental health counsellor, says some friendships can be "toxic" from the start, and others reveal that trait over time.

Toxic friends tend to follow a consistent pattern of behavior, that is, they won't show much remorse for anything they do, and they probably won't feel the slightest desire to change.

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In "toxic friendships" you feel that your friend is not happy for you and does not consider or care about your interest, and this gradually loses your trust in him.

When a friend regularly insults you, hurts you, and makes you feel pain, whether intentionally or unintentionally, your friendship is probably not healthy.

Also if you tell your friend a secret, and the next day you find that your entire social circle knows the details of what you told your friend, this is a sign that you should not neglect.

It's true that anyone can make mistakes and say things they shouldn't, but "toxic friends" enjoy sharing secrets that they know are things they shouldn't say, even if you explicitly ask them to keep what you've told them private.

(8)

But hey, before you pass judgment on one of your friends as a "toxic friend," you should know that everyone has good days and bad days.

If you yourself have had a bad day, you may end up being a little mean and mean, even with loved ones.

So, you'll have to really distinguish between a truly "toxic friend" and someone who's having a bad day.

A good friend who's having a bad day may surprise you with an unexpected reaction or seem out of his or her usual pattern, but they'll likely apologize once things calm down.

Whereas "toxic friends" tend to follow a consistent pattern of behavior, they won't show much remorse for anything they do, and they probably won't want to change, even when they realize they've made you feel bad.

There is an important note to be made in this context.

In many situations, showing signs of a "toxic friendship" doesn't mean that your friend is a bad person at all, it just means that they are bad for you at this time in your life.

Sometimes we overuse the phrase "toxic friend" when we just mean that we no longer get along or our interests no longer align, but this meaning may not indicate the "toxicity" of the relationship, as much as it indicates a mismatch between friends at that time.

(7)

Ending a "toxic friendship" is not a luxury

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Well, now assuming that you are certain that you are in a toxic friendship, and that "changing" your friend's behavior is not possible, then here you have to make the decision to "leave" and end the relationship.

Ending your “toxic” friendship is not a luxury. (1) “Toxic friendships” often make you tense or have a negative self-image.

It is possible that the constant criticism from the “toxic friend” will make you feel bad about yourself. Imagine that someone close to you whom you trust and whom you may trust to know the most accurate secrets and details of your life, but this person is always questioning your abilities or constantly pointing out your shortcomings. It leads to increased self-doubt.

This self-doubt, paradoxically, will make you complacent about the friendship and resistant to ending it, because your self-image is so negative while your image of this friend is still positive, thus perpetuating this “cycle of toxicity.”

When you begin to believe negative things about yourself, you begin to doubt your strengths and abilities, which negatively affects your self-esteem and respect for it. (9)

Another negative feeling you have because of the constant criticism from your "toxic friend" is that you blame yourself for his or her behavior.

When your "toxic friend" criticizes you, you may think you deserve it.

Maybe you think he's not giving you support because you're asking for help too much, so you try to make it up to him by jumping in whenever he needs something.

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Meanwhile, your "toxic friendship" increases your stress levels.

Stress is the way our bodies respond to stress.

We often feel stressed when we experience something that threatens our sense of self or when we feel like we have little control over a situation. Our bodies then produce stress hormones that trigger a “fight or flight” response. In the long term, this can affect our health. Our physical and mental health.

When you are stressed, your autonomic nervous system controls your body and affects the function of your internal organs, such as the heart, stomach, and intestines. This is what makes stress lead to an increase in your heart rate and breathing.

(10)

Reducing stress is one of the main benefits of strong friendships. In contrast, a "toxic friendship" increases your feelings of stress, and perhaps loneliness and isolation as well.

Don't be surprised at the idea of ​​feeling lonely despite your friendship. A "toxic friendship" makes you feel left out due to a lack of support and connection.

The bigger problem is that if you hold on to your “toxic friendship,” that means your other relationships will suffer as well. One “toxic friendship” can slowly but surely begin to poison other close relationships, which in turn pushes you to more isolation and loneliness.

(8)

This is how you can reduce it

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Often, ending your "toxic friendship" may not be an easy option.

At that point, you should, at the very least, "hold it back."

But before you decide you want to continue your friendship, you should answer these questions: How much pressure will you be able to handle?

What makes this friendship worth the effort and pressure to keep?

Maybe your relationship is with a friend you've spent many years with, but who has recently become increasingly difficult to deal with in person.

If you want to continue because you can't forget or ignore these many years of friendship, then you can continue your friendship but spend less time together.

Reducing a friendship that was characterized by closeness and close connection may not be easy, but it is the only solution that enables you to deal with your "toxic friendship" that you do not want to end.

To neutralize a "toxic friendship", you must first gain an emotional space that will keep you safe from the "toxic person's" manipulations.

To gain this space, refrain from telling the "toxic friend" anything personal. Avoid talking about feelings, problems, hopes, and dreams.

At the same time, stay away from your "toxic friend" drama. You can sympathize with his feelings but try to excuse yourself from the conversation whenever possible.

You will also have to pursue some activities and friendships independently of the "toxic friend".

Try to associate yourself with another friend with healthier qualities, and make new friends with sympathetic people.

Find an independent hobby or hobby that takes your focus and thoughts away, and try to regain the ability to laugh that a "toxic friendship" may have taken away from you.

(11)

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Sources:

  • 1- Toxic friendships

  • 2- Cast Away

  • 3- Friendship Importance Around the World: Links to Cultural Factors, Health, and Well-Being

  • 4- Advancing social connection as a public health priority in the United States

  • 5- The Spread of Obesity in a Large Social Network over 32 Years

  • 6- Suicide and Friendships Among American Adolescents.

  • 7- Toxic Friendships: Signs It's Time to Unfriend a Friend

  • 8- In a toxic friendship?

    Here's What to Look For (and How to Handle It)

  • 9- How toxic friendships can affect your mental health

  • 10- What to Know About Stress and How It Affects Your Mental Health

  • 11- How to Identify and Inoculate a Toxic Friendship