A crying child breaks through the stillness of the night, the mother gets up staggering for the fifth time, drags her heavy feet and tries to wake her tired body, she goes towards the child’s bed, checks him to find out his complaints this time, she feeds him, changes his clothes and tries to put him to sleep again, but he refuses, she carries him towards her sofa, not her bed for fear To fall asleep before him, she continues to shake him, perhaps her attempt will succeed.
After that, the mother plunges into a cinematic world, the first episode of which is the moment she reunited with the father of her child, and then the scenes come up with joyful joy, full of laughter and great hopes for a future that brings her and their children together.
But she notices that all that joy has begun to subside, as if a wind was battling the flame of a lamp, until the thought took her to a dark side in which she saw herself stripped of all joy, burdened, resentful of what she was going through, finally convinced of what the films broadcast and what the women circulated in their gatherings around the darkness Marriage after the arrival of the children, and her tears fall, then she realizes that her child has fallen asleep, so she puts him back in his place, and goes back to where she was.
marital satisfaction
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Marital satisfaction is a complex concept, but in any case, husbands do not reach it automatically. Rather, it requires continuous and intense efforts to achieve satisfaction, especially in the early years of marriage, when life is unstable, perhaps in a way that threatens the marital relationship.
More specifically, marital satisfaction is strongly affected after the arrival of children (1).
One of the most prominent specialists who focused on this topic is John Gottman, a physician and psychiatrist who has devoted his research work over 4 decades to studying marital stability and divorce. Marital satisfaction after the arrival of children is a reality, but Gottman discovered that this does not happen to everyone, but that there are differences between the sexes in the level of satisfaction with their marital relations after the arrival of children, and there are also overlapping factors that affect this result (2).
In the opinion of "Guttmann" and supported by other researchers, the change in the level of marital satisfaction after the arrival of children is not due to the arrival of the child in particular, as much as it is due to the loss of flexibility in the marriage system itself (3).
To understand the matter, let us start with love and all the positive and friendly feelings that each party has towards the other and the relationship that brings them together, whether in its emotional and emotional aspects and intimacy, and the opinion of each party on the physical and psychological characteristics of the other party. These factors affect how the two partners deal with the differences between them. And the problems generated during the marriage journey, which determines the amount of marital satisfaction, where there is constructive communication, partners show a higher level of marital satisfaction, and vice versa, where dissatisfaction is linked to the loss of communication, which exacerbates problems (4) (5).
There are also contextual factors, such as a partner's personality traits, as well as other factors such as the social support that partners can get to keep their relationship stable, and violent behaviors that one party may engage in against the other, all of which contribute in one way or another to increasing or decreasing rates of relationship satisfaction. (6).
paternity stage
After knowing the factors affecting marital satisfaction levels between partners before there are children, we can shed light on what happens when the first child comes, and the transition of marriage to the stage of parenting.
Partners often view the arrival of the child as bringing a large amount of responsibility (stress) to the marital relationship, and this view is common and not limited to a particular country or culture, and this happens because the presence of the new child reduces the time that the two partners can spend with each other, and the time Which can be devoted by each party to the other alone without the presence of the child, so they feel a kind of restriction and inability to engage in entertaining activities spontaneously and unplanned (7).
The presence of the child also reduces the time that each partner can devote to himself, to the activities he prefers to do, such as travel or hobbies, and even fitness and relaxation activities, especially sleep, so the spouses become more stressed, and when this continues for a long time negatively affects their relationship and thus their marital satisfaction (8 ).
In this context, there is an urgent need for participation and the sharing of roles in caring for the child, without the pregnancy being completely cast on one party only, even when it is agreed that one of them is responsible for providing the money and the other for caring for the child, and because this type of participation needs a measure A lot of negotiation and agreement increases the possibility of conflict, especially when it is emphasized that the marital relationship is a functional relationship, in which each party has a job that he should perform as he should, after it was a romantic relationship (9).
In the absence of a framework and limits for the responsibilities of each person after the arrival of the child, one of the partners may feel that he is making more effort than the other party, resulting in him a degree of frustration and dissatisfaction, and the challenges are greater if the child has special needs, or a family member suffers from problems health, financial distress, or absence of outside support from family, friends, and neighbors (10).
With reduced intimacy, challenges of dividing responsibilities and roles, sharing care and less time for romance, hostility begins and conflicts increase, and discussions about money, parenting methods, and expectations turn from relationship to stress and stress, especially as mothers go through hormonal changes that may last for a year after birth, so it is very necessary during This is the period for the two partners to focus on discovering all the signs and symptoms that indicate the occurrence of mood disorders after childbirth, so how can they be able to do so?
How can the problem be avoided?
In terms of friendship, Gottman finds that the most satisfied couples in their marriage are the couples who have succeeded in turning their married life into a lifelong learning journey about their partners.
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Returning to what the results of Gutman's research tell us, we find that he developed a theory he called "the house of a healthy relationship", and based it on building, supporting, and maintaining marital satisfaction. Including in his practical workshops with married couples: friendship and intimacy, constructive conflict, and the sharing of meaning (11).
With regard to friendship, "Guttman" sees that the husbands who are most satisfied in their marriage are the husbands who have succeeded in turning their married life into a lifelong learning journey about their partners, even after decades of marriage, they continue to ask each other open questions, that is, require explanation and lengthy talk, perhaps Serious questions, such as what are your goals in life that you still want to achieve?
Or fun questions like what's your favorite band?
(12)
Asking this type of question deepens the partners' understanding of each other, increases each party's appreciation for the other, and allows each of them to know about the other's life outside the boundaries of the marital relationship, so this bond of friendship remains strong and sound even in difficult moments.
The protection of this relationship can be enhanced by expressing appreciation and longing for the other party, maintaining positivity, and emphasizing the ability of both parties to work together to deal with the challenge of the arrival of the new child (13).
As for the second column, which is "constructive conflict", as we mentioned earlier, conflicts are likely to increase after the arrival of the first child, but "Guttmann" clarifies that increasing marital satisfaction requires using the "constructive conflict" approach to deal with conflicts that occur between the two partners, which he sees as It is achieved if the two partners stay away from four destructive patterns of the relationship when dealing with any conflict, the first of which is defensive, in which the partner evades his responsibility and throws it on his partner and plays the role of the victim, instead of each party listening to the other and the feelings he feels about the situation, and bears a degree of responsibility towards He causes him to feel these feelings, and he takes the initiative to apologize for what happened, and to show a desire to fix the situation (14).
The second type of conflict is criticism, and women practice this more than men, and this is the method in which the conflict begins with the sentence: “You always do such and such,” or: “You never do that,” or everything that indicates that the speaker is better than his partner. Or that his partner has to change, and this makes the party to whom the conversation is directed feels that there is a defect or defect in his person, and therefore it is considered that the speaking party does not love him, and does not accept him, and the solution here is to replace criticism using another methodology, which is to show the negative feelings generated by the partner’s act on the party The speaker, and ask what he wants to avoid repeating these feelings again, for example, he can say: “It hurt my feeling that you are interrupting me and not making me complete the conversation, can I please have more time to talk without interruption”, instead of repeating saying: You always interrupt me and do not let me finish the conversation.” Or: “I wish you would let me finish the conversation once in my life without interrupting” (15).
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The third type is contempt, and Guttmann considers it the most destructive conflict behavior and dismantling of any relationship, specifically marital relations, and its danger increases because it occurs quickly and without awareness or drawing attention, and is practiced using speech or physical gestures such as irony, sarcastic imitation, name-calling, and movement Eyes, arrogance, making jokes about a partner, and any other images (16).
Withdrawal is the fourth negative pattern for dealing with conflicts, i.e. withdrawing from the situation in the event of the conflict, such as leaving the place, or disregarding the speaker during the conflict, or neglecting him and not interacting with him, and men practice this act more than women, and the party who does this is advised to avoid it, and try to calm down Self and return to complete the discussion with his partner with rational behavior and morals. For example, when someone plans to have a conversation about a difficult topic, he should open the conversation nicely, and focus in his talk on his feelings instead of attacking the other party. For example, instead of saying: “I am angry with you because you did not attend.” Grocery items," she might say, "I'm upset because I don't have the supplies I need."
Guttmann confirms.
In addition to the above, "Guttmann" mentions another factor, which is participatory meaning, which means the participation of the spouses in performing activities, rituals, or events to enhance each party's sense of the value of participating in their marital relationship, whether it is simple activities that they practice with each other such as playing, or even suggesting solutions to help The other party achieves its functional goals. Over time, these activities help to develop a sense of the common purpose of the relationship and marital life, even in the presence of major challenges such as the arrival of a child, or otherwise (18).
Guttmann adds to his theory of building love maps, and advises partners to know what their partners like and dislike, who are their best friends, what their childhood was like, and how they prefer to relax and rest after a hard day, he considers this to be an introduction to the partner's world, and also adds admiration and fondness through sentences Such as: “I am proud of you”, “I admire you”, and make this sentence more detailed, so it becomes: “I am proud of your way of doing such-and-such”, or: “I like how you do such-and-such”, and there are other factors that confirm in his theory its importance, such as commitment, trust, Assisting the partner in achieving his dreams, giving him a good opinion of him, and responding to his requests for support, attention or comfort (19).
personality traits
Traverse people display feelings of distress, anger, dissatisfaction with oneself or partner, moodiness, and a lack of expectation of high marital satisfaction.
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In addition to the "Guttmann theory", researchers refer to the importance of personality and its traits and its impact on marital satisfaction, and here the concept of "the Great Five" emerges, which refers to five prominent personality traits to describe humans, which are general characteristics of personality and not specific traits, namely, the level of neuroticism, extraversion, and openness. , acceptance, and conscience (20).
If we deal with neuroticism, it means a person's tendency to feel negative emotions such as insomnia, hostility, and low self-esteem. Openness includes bundles of qualities such as positivity, assertiveness, and energy level, while acceptance includes personality traits such as kindness, generosity, empathy and altruism. As for extraversion, it shows traits of love of the arts, wisdom and curiosity. Finally, conscientiousness includes people's tendencies for discipline, trust, and credibility (21).
Now let's look at the trait of neuroticism. People with this trait show feelings of distress, anger, dissatisfaction with oneself or partner, moodiness, and lack of expectation of high marital satisfaction. An omen of danger or failure (22).
On the other hand, conscientious people succeed in dealing properly with the problems facing their marital relationships, especially those related to the arrival of the first child. Rather, they often show optimism and hope for achieving the highest levels of marital satisfaction, and their ability to make the effort to deal with the new challenge. As a result, they increase the level of intimacy, improve their communication with their partners, refrain from displaying violence, control their behavior, and dedicate an effort to share with the partner the responsibilities of the new child, succeeding in building strong relationships and achieving higher marital satisfaction (23).
It has also been observed that partners who are more satisfied with their lives get children early during the first four to six years after marriage.
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In this context, the focus is also on the spiritual and religious factor. Looking at the stage of parenting from a religious angle enhances the ability of husbands to see this stage and what they are doing in it as a kind of altruism and a sublime act, and increases them strength in dealing with the difficulties related to it, by finding motivation and meaning. From playing the role of father and mother in life, it increases the appreciation of each of them for the partner and enhances the love between them and their child (24).
It has also been noted that partners who are more satisfied with their lives get children early during the first four to six years after marriage, and that planned pregnancy and high marital satisfaction before pregnancy mitigate the impact of the decrease in the level of marital satisfaction after the arrival of the first child, so couples are advised to focus On building high marital satisfaction even before the arrival of the child, understanding the factors that contribute to this, and enhancing this satisfaction in preparation for the arrival of children (25).
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Sources:
1- The relationship between personality traits and marital satisfaction: a systematic review and meta-analysis
2- Romantic Relationships Take a Dive After Baby Arrives (According to Research)
3- Marriages still resilient after the second child
4-5- How Couple's Relationship Lasts Over Time?
A Model for Marital Satisfaction
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/00332941211000651#_i1
6- Marital Satisfaction
7-8-9-10- Coping With the Stress Children Add to a Marriage
11-19- What is The Sound Relationship House?
12-13-18- Must babies always breed marital discontent?
14-17- HOW TO AVOID THE 4 MOST DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP BEHAVIORS
20-23- The relationship between personality traits and marital satisfaction: a systematic review and meta-analysis
24- Marital satisfaction after children.
Is that possible?
25- Marital Satisfaction Across the Transition to Parenthood