Of course no one likes to feel rejected by others, and it is undeniable that we humans are highly social creatures who need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance by the people who are important to us.

However, if someone reacts violently to rejection, this may indicate that there is a problem.

In fact, the recent killings of girls such as Naira Ashraf and Salma Bahgat highlight the problem of "rejection hypersensitivity" (RS), which is the tendency to respond sharply and violently to rejection cues in the behavior of others (1).

Individuals who are highly sensitive to rejection are so fearful and averse to rejection that it affects their daily lives.

Because of their fears and expectations, people with rejection sensitivity tend to misinterpret, distort and exaggerate what others say and do, and may even respond to anger and hurt others.

For example, people with rejection sensitivity may misinterpret other people's different facial expressions and overreact to the meaning they have interpreted, which may not be true in the first place.

One study found that individuals higher on a scale of rejection sensitivity showed changes in brain activity when they saw a face that seemed to reject them compared to individuals who were insensitive to rejection.

They may even display fight-and-flight or run-away behavior, as if they are facing a real, fear-inducing event (2).

morally broken heart

In 1998, researchers developed a structure to explain the increased sensitivity that some individuals feel about the experience of rejection.

Researchers Downey, Bonica, and Rincon described adolescents with this condition as experiencing the following three emotional responses: anticipating rejection defensively, a tendency to perceive other people's behavior as rejection, and experiencing severe negative reactions to romantic rejection. (3).

The team explained that the pain of experiencing rejection may be very similar to physical pain, as rejection activates many of the same brain regions involved in pain.

To study the rejection, an functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine was used, where the experimented person plays a ball game online with other players. Finally, the other two players start throwing the ball only to each other and the third tested player ignores (4).

The experiment showed that subjects who were ignored in the game showed increased activity in some areas of the brain, which are the same areas that show increased activity in response to physical pain.

The researchers explained that feeling the pain of rejection is more related to the brain, so they see that a broken heart is not very different from a broken arm (5).

University of Michigan psychologist Ethan Cross and his colleagues have found that

To the same previous result when he examined the brains of participants whose romantic partners had recently separated.

Areas of the brain associated with physical pain lit up when participants viewed pictures of activities they had done with their ex (6).

The researchers argue that the association between physical and social pain may seem surprising, but it is biologically plausible.

They explain that, rather than creating an entirely new system for responding to socially traumatic events, the evolution process has simply chosen to use the system of physical pain (7).

Family may be the first reason

The researchers also observed that unhealthy early family situations likely contribute primarily to a hypersensitivity to rejection.

This suffering begins in the individual when the parents’ providers fail to respond positively to his needs, especially those related to acceptance and affection. After the lines are drawn straight, it becomes logical for the individual to grow up developed to assume that rejection is the most likely response to his efforts to establish a relationship (8).

A study of 271 college students published in 2015 showed that the memory these students had of how much their mother and father rejected them during childhood had a significant impact on their current levels of rejection sensitivity (9).

The problem here is that rejection doesn't always need to be direct to have an effect. Just growing up with a parent who consistently follows a strict or authoritarian style of parenting can cause a child to develop a strong fear of rejection in other relationships.

What is more dangerous is that the door to violence that opens because of rejection sensitivity may not wait until adulthood, it may start early, and children with rejection sensitivity act aggressively.

According to a study published in Child Development, children who were highly sensitive to rejection were more likely to act angry, and these children showed extreme distress after an ambiguous social interaction with their peers (10).

This initial rejection that an individual may experience during the early years of his life, during which he did not even recognize himself or those around him, causes the child to make false assumptions about the behavior of others. If our original families do not provide us with the care and love we need, we may be tempted to assume The world is an inhospitable place full of rejection and hostility.

Any kind of prior exposure to painful rejection can cause a person to go to great lengths to avoid experiencing that pain again.

This does not mean that the fault lies entirely with the primary caregivers or parents. Some people with rejection sensitivity may have devoted, loving parents, but a pessimistic mood may lead them to assume rejection.

It is believed that some people may have a biological susceptibility to sensitivity to rejection, there may be a genetic predisposition or certain personality traits that increase the likelihood of a person being sensitive to rejection, and some researchers have even linked rejection sensitivity with low self-esteem, neuroticism and social anxiety (11).

Men are sharper

The Egyptian newspaper, Al-Watan, published the incident of a 19-year-old girl who was kidnapped and abused for a week by a man who had proposed to her and her father had rejected her.

During a direct meeting with the girl, she stated that she had been kidnapped and held at gunpoint, and that she had been beaten and abused for a whole week and could not escape. All the kidnapper, who was 44 years old, wanted the girl to become his wife! (12)

Are men the only ones who are rejected by the other party?

The answer is: Of course not. Women may also be exposed to rejection and feel the pain resulting from it. On the contrary, women may rank higher in sensitivity to rejection, but the way to deal with it differs between the sexes.

Women often react to rejection with a wave of depression or isolation rather than criticism, and perhaps “attack” as some men do (13).

One study found that separation, and the feelings of rejection associated with it, may be a major cause of depression in women.

During the study, college-age girls with a high sensitivity to rejection showed increased depressive symptoms after a partner began separating compared to girls with low rejection sensitivity (14).

The reason for the exaggerated sensitivity of rejection in some men can be traced back to the stereotype established for men in different human cultures, that they must always be strong, successful, independent, needless and have great self-confidence (15).

It is this image that may explain the difference in the ability to accept rejection between the sexes.

Men and women respond to rejection differently in culturally normative ways, and males tend to view rejection as a challenge to their masculinity or an affront to their perceived place in the social hierarchy.

Another difference between men and women regarding rejection sensitivity is that for men who are sensitive to rejection, having a relationship may be more important to them than to women (16).

In the end, the equation here might read: “Rejection sensitivity + masculine cultural norms + lack of emotional self-regulation = risk of violence.”

Men who have witnessed violence pervasive in their environments and throughout their lives are more likely to see violence as an acceptable means to an end, as life becomes for them a battlefield with only two types of people: winners and losers.

Describing some as a “loser” can be a blow to their sense of self. This is especially true for individuals who are hypersensitive to rejection, so they may resort to violence as a solution to become a winner in a battle that is only “perceived” entirely in their mind ( 13).

A study published in 2003 explained that people who experience social rejection or ostracism sometimes turn aggressive and can even turn violent.

Case studies of 15 American school shootings between 1995 and 2001 were conducted to examine the potential role of social rejection in school violence. Acute or chronic rejection, in the form of ostracism, bullying, and/or romantic rejection, was the cause Most of these accidents happen?

But was refusal the main and only reason behind committing these crimes?

Does this mean that everyone who is rejected is going to commit a crime?

The same previous study showed that the answer to the previous question is “no.” In addition to the sensitivity factor for rejection, perpetrators of these incidents tend to be characterized by one or more of three other risk factors: interest in firearms or bombs, or psychological problems involving depression. Poor impulse control or sadistic tendencies (17).

Self-regulation is the way

If you suspect that you suffer from rejection sensitivity, the first step to dealing effectively with it is by recognizing the symptoms and problems caused by rejection sensitivity.

This is the first step that enables you to effect change.

Research suggests that self-regulation, which involves monitoring and controlling one's own emotional and behavioral reactions, may be the key to dealing with rejection sensitivity.

For example, when you see a possible sign of rejection, stopping and reflecting on the situation may help you organize and calm yourself rather than responding immediately.

One effective way to do this is to look for alternative explanations for the behavior rather than assuming the worst.

If you can't make these changes on your own, you may need to hire a mental health professional (18).

You can start by talking to your doctor, who can help you determine the appropriate next steps.

Often times, CBT can help you deal effectively with the thoughts, feelings and behaviors that reinforce the fear of rejection and make dealing with rejection a bad and very difficult experience.

Another way to deal with rejection sensitivity is to manage the stress in your life.

You are more likely to have an emotional breakdown when you feel stressed.

One of the effective steps for managing stress is following tips for a healthy life, which include eating right, getting enough quality sleep, and doing activities that aim to promote a sense of calm and relaxation such as yoga or meditation, which are activities that will keep your mind calm and protect you from the impulse behind Emotion and exaggeration in misinterpreting things (19).

The killing of the Egyptian student, Naira Ashraf, and the Jordanian student, Iman Rashid, opened the door to contemplation of the “non-acceptance of rejection” in relations from a completely different level. Not accepting rejection is a major problem facing our society, especially with the great transformations that we have witnessed during the past years.

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Sources:

1- Implications rejection of sensitivity for intimate relationships.

2- The face of rejection: Rejection sensitivity moderates dorsal anterior cingulate activity to disapproving facial expressions

3- Rejection Sensitivity and Adolescent Romantic Relationships

4- Cyberball: The Impact of Ostracism on the Well-Being of Early Adolescents

5- The neural bases of social pain: Evidence for shared representations with physical pain

6- Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain

7- The pain of rejection social

8- Interactions Between Rejection Sensitivity and Supportive Relationships in the Prediction of Adolescents' Internalizing Difficulties

9- Adults' Remembrances of Parental Acceptance–Rejection in Childhood Predict Current Rejection Sensitivity in Adulthood

10- Rejection sensitivity and children's interpersonal difficulties

11- Attachment Style and Rejection Sensitivity: The Mediating Effect of Self-Esteem and Worry Among Iranian College Students

12- She refused to marry him, so he kidnapped her

13- Rejection: When It Hurts Men More Than It Should

14- Rejection Sensitivity and Depressive Symptoms in Women

15- The Multiple Dimensions of Gender Stereotypes: A Current Look at Men's and Women's Characterizations of Others and Themselves

16- Influence of loneliness and rejection sensitivity on threat sensitivity in romantic relationships in young and middle-aged adults

17- Teasing, rejection, and violence: Case studies of the school shootings

18- Regulating the interpersonal self: strategic self-regulation for coping with rejection sensitivity

19- What Is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?