If you are looking for a marital relationship without disputes, then you may ask the impossible, but psychologists say that the complete absence of marital disputes in an absolute and permanent manner may be an indication that the relationship is approaching the end of the relationship and has reached the stage of coldness, indifference and emotional dullness in the spouses.
At the same time, the fact that the marital relationship remains in a state of constant tension, sharp disagreements and persistent problems is also an unhealthy indicator.
Therefore, psychologists and psychotherapists specializing in marital relations advise that couples learn how to manage their differences and problem-solving skills. In fact, marital disputes may be an opportunity to strengthen the relationship with your husband or wife and deepen your emotional and emotional connection if you manage to overcome them in a conscious and mature way.
If you suffer from problems with your husband or wife, and are looking for solutions and direct steps to solve them, you are in the right place, and we advise you to continue reading this article to learn about the most important steps and techniques that will help you solve your marital problems and restore health and love with your husband or wife.
And if you want to know more about the psychological causes of marital disputes, their roots and how they are formed, we advise you to read the expanded version of this article titled You Need Marital Problems .. But, how and what do you do to manage them?
What do I do to keep my husband and my marriage?
First: Take a few hours periodically to filter out every negative feeling
Therapist, Megan Caston, warns of disagreements stemming from a lack of communication, unexpressed expectations that spouses have for each other and their needs, deeming it important to speak up early before resentment and anger build up.
Although Caston's opinion may not sound like the most romantic of rituals, he suggests defining a "marriage business meeting" in which the two partners touch everything.
Some couples constantly set a date to address relationship concerns, rather than randomly bringing up difficulties and things that need improvement, and find it useful to invest about an hour on a weekly or monthly basis to resolve areas of disagreement, which made the couples look forward to the agreed time, because they know that they In it they will get all the attention of their partner.
Second, watch the way you start an argument
Certified relationship coach and founder of marriage counseling app Lasting Steven Dzidzic tells us that the way you initiate conversations greatly influences the course of the conversation.
Couples in healthy relationships may be tired, hungry, and may not feel well, stray, or misunderstand just like the rest of us.
This is where distress arises and problems arise, so give yourself a moment to think. Do I put my partner on the offensive when I talk about problems, or do I sometimes back off, leaving him room for expression?
Stephen explains how to start a dialogue in three parts: the tone of your voice, the level of your voice, and the words you say.
If the other party feels harsh in one of them, the conversation will likely take a hostile turn.
Third: Do not interrupt the other during his speech and disclosure, and start by concluding an agreement about not interrupting
Interruptions during conversation are a major cause of increased bickering and exacerbation of problems, so Chapman suggests that the two agree on a time limit for the partner to share their thoughts and feelings.
Setting a time limit helps focus on listening, rather than deafening one's ears and paying full attention inward. Now this partner knows he's coming into the discussion, so he no longer has to interrupt to make one point or challenge another.
If the spouses encounter a difficult problem that needs to be dealt with, they begin to agree.
Dr. Gottman notes that successful couples who have been together for a long time master kindness, presenting issues in a friendly manner by never beginning with criticism.
So starting with an agreement is the best way to avoid an argument and start a discussion.
Find something you can agree on, and start there.
Fourth: Create an atmosphere of love and express your curiosity
In the midst of a fight, try to look at the world through the eyes of your loved one, work hard to understand how they see the problem and how they feel and then ask questions for clarification, recommends Dr. Gary Chapman, marriage counselor. Once you understand your partner's argument, he advises saying something on the Like, "I think I understand what you're saying, how you're feeling, and that makes a lot of sense."
This sentence is enough to declare your friendship and crush the enmity that has created an atmosphere fraught with tension.
It's very rare for you to feel truly heard and understood, which is why he advises couples to ask questions that also show that they are actively trying to understand their partner, such as, "Tell me more," and "I don't understand it yet, but please carry on."
Doing so helps the listener develop empathy, and enables the speaker to feel heard.
Fifth: Find the emotional roots of the dispute, and uproot them
Get beyond the argument, sit down with your partner (or jot it down) and review all the arguments you've raised recently or any major problems that have arisen over the past few months, try to identify the patterns under the arguments, once you have identified your patterns, clearly identify each partner's side in the arguments Discussion Do it in non-judgmental terms, for example, the problem could be “spending.” You like to enjoy dinner out regularly, while your spouse likes to save for something big.
Both of you are not at fault, but this way you know where you stand.
"Under every quarrel, there is an unmet emotional need," Dzidzic says.
For example, your husband hasn't done something even though you asked for it dozens of times, you argue, but the hidden words behind the chores could be something like "I don't feel appreciated" or "I don't feel like I'm his number one priority."
When you take the time to dig deeper into the problem and the response, you can address the underlying emotional need and achieve greater understanding.
Dzidzic also adds: You should never assume that your partner knows how you're feeling, tell them.
Sixth: Do not stray from a point or arena of contention
One of the reasons that small disagreements erupt constantly is that the two partners do not stop bringing up past problems while they are engaged in a current discussion, so it is preferable to try to avoid things such as “You always do this”, “This is your behavior” or “You never do that”, Do not invoke previous arguments or disagreements, because this will only exacerbate the problem and not look at it in its true size, but rather from its huge shadow reflected on a wall built of discontent.
Seven: Take time out in case you or your partner needs one
In an argument, it is common for one or both partners to find themselves in a "fighting," "running," or "freezing" situation when they think they may be in danger.
The term "fight" or "flight" refers to the time when stress hormones are activated to give people more energy to fight stress or escape a situation.
A "freeze" situation occurs when a person simply does not react at all, hoping that the stressor will lose interest in the fight.
Here, problem-solving is highly unlikely, because each person focuses only on responding to the perceived threat they feel from their partner.
If only one person is in a "fight", "escape", or "freeze" mode, while the other is trying to solve the problem, both may be frustrated and the conflict intensifies.
And you can frame this timeout in a way that doesn't make your partner feel like you're going too far. Someone might say, "Okay, I need 10 minutes to cool off." When you return to the discussion after the short pause, the potential for real progress may come.
Eight: Find the best way to apologize
Not only do we have different love languages, but we also have different languages of apology.
It is not enough to realize that you hurt your loved one and that you owe them an apology, you need to know them enough to tailor your apology to their needs.
"Some people want big gestures, but sometimes it's enough to just say, 'I'm really sorry I hurt your feelings, and I'm going to make sure I don't do it again,'" says Ostrander, a couples counselor.
Tools that will help you
The 36 Questions Developed by Psychologist Arthur Aaron to Intensify Love and Deep Knowledge of the Other
It is a set of questions developed by psychologist Arthur Aaron and his colleagues through a series of studies and found to be effective in creating and strengthening feelings of intimacy.
The idea of these questions is based on "openness to the other", that is, being able to express yourself, your weakness, your fears, your hopes and your aspirations in front of your partner without feeling embarrassed.
You and your husband take two questions daily, and try to be in order, as the questions are arranged according to the degree of disclosure, and try to give yourself as much time as possible to answer, and to clarify each answer with more questions, such as: Why?
and how?
Since when?
"Lasting" application
The app takes on small tasks, like sending your partner gratitude reminders at a specific time of the day, and big tasks like showing you how to start a normal conversation or come up with something big.
The app is based on more than 300 studies on marriage, the vast majority of which are from four leading relationship psychologists, and was founded on the approach of Dr.
John and Julie Guttman is the most commonly used couples therapy, prioritizing attachment as a way to strengthen the relationship, to some extent on the question “Are you there for me?” The app combines audio tracks with articles on psychology and marriage health, and then translates them into exercises.
The Seven Conflicts book
The book "The Seven Conflicts" penetrates the thorny layer of marital problems, aiming to educate spouses about the mechanism and nature of their differences in order to deal with them in a way that strengthens their relationship and marriage.
The authors do not offer solutions as much as they strive to guide the reader to enhance the way he responds to the problem and treats it.
The chapters on the Seven Conflicts end with a list for you to assess yourself and answer a few questions about what was raised. (No translation available yet).
Video
In this clip, writer "Vanessa Van Edwards" talks about marital disagreements and that they are not related to the problem itself as much as the lack of communication, continuing to list facts about them supported by numbers.