What I left for my mother was a blank message at 15:26 on March 9th.

As I was flipping through the evening edition of the newspaper as usual, I noticed an introductory article about "Fighting Diseases".



It's no coincidence that my eyes stop.



I am a person who thinks more than once about what he thinks when he faces "death."



It wasn't unrelated to my illness, but my eyes went to get something from a young man's fight against illness.



The young man, who can no longer meet, left a blank page for his loved one and left.


(Yasuyo Mabuchi, Network News Department)

Obituary a few days later

The vanity press was written by a young man who developed cancer in his mid-20s.



His name is Subaru Seko.

His father is Toshihiko Seko, a marathon runner, and Subaru is the eldest son.



In his article, Toshihiko praised, "The appearance of being worried but continuing to challenge treatment is really Elai, even though he is his son."

It was a few days after reading the article.



He learned that Mr. Akira had died.



Surprised that he was writing in a serious medical condition, I immediately got the book.

When I read it, I started writing a fight against illness when the cancer had spread to the brain and I was fighting the pain of cracking my head.



What was surprising was the bright expression and humorous content.

"If anything, I'm still in the hospital as I write this. New Year's 2020. It's the 14th hospitalization (laughs)" (from the fight against illness)

Here's how to collect sperm to keep the possibility of having children in the future because the cancer has recurred.

"There were 18 animals / I decided to keep them frozen until it was time to use them in the future (how to count, do they match the animals?) / When I contacted my mother, she was just with her friends. He said he was there and shared his joy there. It's embarrassing (laughs)! "

I wondered why I could write so brightly.

Another world I stepped into

Cancer is a death-conscious illness.



I was sentenced four years ago, 14 years after I became a reporter.



The doctor's words


started with "Let's find out a little " and continued with



"There is a possibility of cancer" ,



"It is cancer"



, and "It has spread to the lymph nodes".



Cancer resection, anticancer drugs, radiation and treatment are progressing, and hormonal treatment to prevent recurrence is still ongoing.



From the time of "Let's find out a little", I was aware of my death, which I had never thought of before.



I'm afraid that my existence will disappear from the world.



Being treated to escape death, I was in a different world than I was a few months ago, working as if peace was forever.



I entered a world where there is no guarantee that I will be 100% alive even if I receive treatment.

No matter how careful I was at work, when I came to the alley near my house on my way home, tears came out.



As soon as she got home, she cried aloud alone.



Even now, when he is told the results of an annual cancer test, he looks like a judge who gives a judgment.



Mr. Akira, who conveyed the fight against cancer with a humorous touch, wanted to trace his life, how he lived, how he was worried, and what kind of thought he wrote.



I felt like he was asking for help.

When I found my way

Toshihiko and his mother, Mie, responded to the interview while they were busy.



Subaru was the eldest son of four siblings and lived in a family of seven with his parents and maternal grandmother.

A popular father who became a candidate for the Olympic gold medal and filled the stadium when he participated in the race.



It's easy to imagine that Mr. Akira had been seen as the "son of Seko" by the people around him since he was little.

Mie-san


"I used to say to Subaru when I was little,'because you are you,' but I think I was aware of my father."

Mr. Akira chose a stage that was not on land.



He plays baseball in junior high and high school, and when he goes on to college, he devotes himself to environmental issues.

After getting a job at a company, I decided to move to an NGO dealing with international exchange and environmental issues, and started working as a staff member.



Cancer was discovered when he found a new path and was about to start walking.

Mie


"At the age of 25, I started suffering from unexplained physical disorders and couldn't sleep because of suffocation."


"The name of the disease told at the hospital was Hodgkin's lymphoma, a blood cancer."

After an emergency hospitalization, he decided to concentrate on anti-cancer drug treatment.



I had to give up on the path she was trying to take.

Top runner

Illness always breaks the life plan I had drawn and inevitably comes up with the meaning of life.



Perhaps Mr. Akira also thought about death and how to overcome that anxiety.



After her anti-cancer treatment, she continued to post on Facebook and blogs that she had endured the painful treatment.



Later, she confessed to Mie, "At that time, the desire for approval was very strong."



She may have tried to overcome her anxiety by being recognized by someone.

However, the cancer will relapse after a few months.



The effect of the treatment was not long-lasting, and the condition gradually worsened.



Bone marrow transplant from my brother, use of Opdivo, a cancer treatment.



He received various treatments and tried to stop the progression of his illness, but even a small movement made him out of breath and began to use a wheelchair outside.



The side effects of the treatment dry his eyes and he can't let go of his eyepatch.

Mie once heard from Subaru that she had deleted her Facebook account.



Facebook was full of glittering posts from friends such as marriage, childbirth, and work.

Mie:


"I don't know the true feelings of Subaru, but at that time, the biggest theme was how to control emotions, and I was upset."

As his feelings sway, Mr. Akira continues to challenge.



He decided to publish his fight against illness at his own expense in a hospitalized room on New Year's Day two years ago when he was suffering from respiratory problems.



According to Toshihiko, he was inspired by the fact that doctors likened him to trying new treatments as a "top runner."



Toshihiko says that he had the feeling that telling him how to fight cancer might encourage someone.

How to fight

Mr. Akira's fighting style was a fighting style that did not show a depressed appearance, and was the tone of the fight against illness itself.



One of her mother's old friends, Mie, is Junko Umihara, a writer and psychosomatic physician.



Mr. Akira was the person who consulted when writing the fight against illness.

Mr. Kaihara:


"There must be some pain and dissatisfaction with the harsh reality. I used to say,'I think it's okay to express more emotions, and I'm okay to say crap.' But'That's a little ...'" I didn't say that, maybe that was his aesthetic. "

The same was true of what he showed to his father, Toshihiko, at home.



Even when his head hurts like a crack, he doesn't show a soft noise.

Toshihiko:


"I think I really wanted to scream, but I didn't say it was painful or painful until the end. I once said to Subaru," You're amazing, I wish I had become a marathon runner. "I think I was patient. increase"

Scolding scolding

It may have been aesthetics that he didn't make a soft noise.



In addition to that, I feel that Mie-san's words were there.



She often attended Mie-san's hospital.



The test results given to them were usually not what they expected.



Mie couldn't help feeling down, but Mie didn't allow her to bring her home.

Mie:


"I understand that I'm sinking, but I shouldn't be depressed myself, and I said to Subaru," Laugh even if it's painful. "I think it was hard, always. I was just scolding him. "

At one point, Mr. Akira said with a laugh, "Mom is not a scolding encouragement, but a scolding scolding."



Even if I scolded Mr. Akira who was depressed, I raised her feelings, that was the way of fighting with a three-legged race.

"Sometimes I was scolded when I was feeling sick, and sometimes I felt sick./Somehow, being scolded forced me to shit myself, who had sunk to the bottom of the swamp. I think I was able to bring it to the fore. "

The writing of the fight against illness, which covered the harshness of the situation with humor, continued with the support of his family.

Events in dreams

By the time he was about to write his fight against illness, he became ill and was forced to stay in the hospital for several months.



Every morning from 3 am to 4 am in her room, she suffered from a severe headache.



He wasn't willing to show his weaknesses, but by this time he had complained to Mie on the phone before dawn, saying "painful" and "coming again."



Perhaps because of his anxiety, he received phone calls and emails during the day, and at times he started to reach 50 times a day.



The days of spending time together with physical and mental pain and pain continued.

Around this time, Mr. Akira told Mie about her dream.



She said, "Mom, it's a dream I had today ..." She said



she saw herself when she died in a dream and she became only a soul.



She became a soul She jokingly said that she didn't feel any pain and she longed to die.



Mie said a word.



"I really understand your feelings, but you have something to do, you have to live, live, and survive.



" Mie knew that she was trying to find out.

Mie:


"Because I was at the last minute, I had no choice but to continue my stance. Subaru was in pain and pain until the end, so I think I always felt anxiety and the unreasonableness of" why only me. " "


But I wanted you to live a life that doesn't deny your life. It seemed like Subaru was desperately trying to instill that idea in himself."

"My mother's outlook on life gives me an answer from a completely different perspective. I tend to be negative and my mother is very positive thinking. And I don't know how many times I was saved." Than)

Mr. Akira's way

In the fight against illness, the text with humor continues until the end.



When it's painful, sad, or desperate, it's up to each person to overcome it.



Some people cry or get angry, some are supported by their families and lovers, and some are absorbed in their work and hobbies and try to overcome them.



In the case of Mr. Akira, I think he wanted to help people who have the same feelings by trying to overcome his worries and conflicts by exposing his worries and conflicts to his illness while turning his pain into laughter.

"If my experience reaches cancer patients of the AYA generation like me / I would be happy if my eight years of conflict, worries, and what I noticed would be of some help." ( From the record of fighting illness)

At the end of February last year, the record of fighting illness that Mr. Akira put all his efforts into was completed.



He died a little over a month later.

Blank page

Rewind time a little.



It was March 3, last year, shortly after the fight against illness was completed.



On that day, a party was held at the Seko family to celebrate the publication.



Mr. Akira distributed one book of fighting illness to the whole family, and a short message was written for each on the first page.

To my father, Toshihiko, "Thank you very much! I will continue to do my best, so thank you."



His grandmother said, "Thank you to my beloved Chiba-chan (* her grandmother's nickname)."



However, only the book given to Mie-san did not have a message written on it.



She wasn't surprised Mie returned her book and she asked her to write a message for her.



"She's been thinking for a long time, but I can't write yet," she just repeated.

As it was, Mr. Akira was hospitalized in late March, and his physical condition became worse day by day.

Due to her painkillers, her consciousness has been limited.



Mie stayed in her room and she continued to care for her almost without sleeping.

And she was just before she couldn't speak because of the treatment.



Mr. Akira screamed at Mie, who was beside her bed.



"I'm glad I came to my mom."



A few days later, Mr. Akira died.

Leaving the blank page as it is, Mr. Akira set out.

I can't put it into words

Mie thinks there is a message on a blank page.

Mie:


"I think that by not saying or writing anything, you may be able to convey your true feelings. There may be" feelings that cannot be delivered in words. " "I'm glad I came to my mom's place," I think may be the closest word to Subaru's thoughts. "

No matter what words I used, I couldn't convey it to Mr. Akira.



It was such a situation that my feelings exceeded my words.

A record of the fight against illness of a young man who covered his pain with humor and lived facing forward.



Mie thinks that the blank page and the words that she gave me a slapstick are an important gift from Mr. Akira.



I also closed the page with the desire to live as hard as I could.