You need marital problems, but how and what do you do to manage them?

What you should know

Have you ever had a fight with your wife/husband and had a feeling that your marriage was about to fall apart?

Or that things got so bad that they won't go back to the way they were after?

We often look at quarrels with awe, trying to avoid them, thinking that married life is like this.

But, what if problems aren't an indication of relationship danger?

What if it is actually feasible and useful?

Contrary to the popular belief that the quarrel threatens the marriage and foretells of incompatibility or aggression, or that it is the kiss of death for the emotional relationship, the lack of quarrels can in fact be a sign of the deterioration of the marriage (1) and the extinguishing of the spark that motivates it or its absence from the ground, which means that the parties to the relationship or One of them has stopped trying to deal with the problems, or he is afraid that the other side will not respond or revolt.

When we avoid confronting our marital problems;

We waste an opportunity to strengthen the relationship (2), and here we do not mean, of course, creating a problem for no apparent reason, but rather we mean seeking to bury the negative feelings that may come between you in a peaceful manner.

When researchers from the University of Michigan and Pennsylvania State University monitored more than 1,500 adults for more than a week (3), they found that while people felt better the day they avoided arguments, the next day their mental health declined and cortisol increased, the stress hormone. ".

Mood swings take their toll on a marriage, without either spouse realizing that they are in a bad mood, perhaps from a hard day.

The above means that you are twice as likely to be overweight, mood swings, and trouble sleeping.

So, the gains are short-term, and the pain is long-term.

Many studies have concluded that reluctance to talk about important topics at the time, later makes the relationship worse in terms of communication and decreased happiness.

According to a 2012 research paper published by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology (4), researchers found that expressing annoyance to a partner caused short-term discomfort due to the blistering of anger, but also provided them with honest conversations that benefited the relationship in the long term.

Disagreements allow partners to get to know themselves more closely and deepen their relationship. The quarrel is never a single event (5), both partners may carry on his shoulders a bundle of emotional burdens, whether from current or past relationships or childhood scars or others, and the quarrel folds in his pocket a list of complaints and harassment that he has not yet shared, to reveal a mixture From desires, needs, dreams, fears and other strong feelings, the spouses are aware that they are in front of spaces that will provide them with maturity and deepen their bond.

But more than that is important;

It is how the two parties manage the dispute (6), and what they take into consideration of the following factors.

Let's say that (Khaleda) and (Sarah) a married couple that had a quarrel, and in the midst of that argument, the two parties were - first - understanding and working on solving the problem.

Second, we noticed paying attention to each other's feelings and being careful not to hurt them during the problem;

And not to criticize the other in a negative and insulting way.

Third, take responsibility and apologize if necessary.

Fourth, trying to take corrective steps to solve the problem.

Fifthly, be careful not to involve a third party in every dispute between them.

Finally, taking into account listening to the other party and not depriving him of feelings of love and security (7).

Therefore, healthy couples realize that "positive quarrels" can fuel their relationship and take the boredom out of their married life and make it more exciting, so they try to make it beneficial for their relationship and their future life together (8).

Why do marital disputes occur?

Differences are inevitable in any relationship, because no two people see life the same way.

Due to different stimuli, thought patterns, and emotional responses to situations and things(9), couples often find themselves in disagreements that escalate directly into quarrels, driven by forgotten little things or bigger problems related to reproduction, moving to another city, and perhaps different standards of behavior and values. and political beliefs and the way of raising children, and others.

From time to time, mood swings take their toll on a marriage, without either spouse realizing that they are in a bad mood, perhaps from a hard day at work or an argument with a shopkeeper.

He returns home and finds himself in the midst of unloading his stress on his partner.

Most likely, the original source of stress remains out of one's consciousness, and the partner is the target of a bad mood (10).

A 2019 study found three problem triggers that annoy, hurt, or anger partners (11):

Over time, the rate of couples who quarrel increased due to their suspicious nature towards their partner, their suspiciousness about the smallest and smallest details (12).

That inability to fully trust a person is sometimes motivated by a pathological fear of betrayal, abandonment, and emotional harm, to generate constant anxiety that leads to the failure of the relationship.

Money is present as a strong justification in marital quarrels, and this mainly occurs if the income gap is large between the partners, which leads to a mismatch of material desires.

But what is noticeable here is that money provides the individual with security, and in the case of women it gives a sense of empowerment.

Alan Schwartz, a psychoanalyst and marital consultant for 30 years, points out other common causes of controversy, including constantly blaming the other.

Let's take a fictional example like this scenario (13):

Three children live in a married couple, all of them attend primary school. Someone has been diagnosed with a learning disability, a younger sibling may have a similar problem, and only an older child does not have problems in this regard. The father ignores the fact that the children have learning difficulties, blames his wife for the children's poor performance in school, complains that she does not help them with their homework, and knocks her down when their grades are poor. What he ignores is the fact that she helps them with their homework, while he refrains from doing so as he is busy smoking in another room after coming home from work and dinner.

In fact, this man also blames his wife for the mess in the house, for not keeping clothes clean and not paying bills on time, forgetting about her part-time work, getting the kids to and from school, making dinner, ironing clothes and cleaning the house.

In the end, she complains that with three children to look after, she needs help with some housework but he refuses to help her.

As for the realistic scenarios, they are different, and each has a story to tell in this regard.

The most important thing is: What do we do?

What do I do to manage the conflict with my husband constructively?

• First: Take a few hours periodically to filter out every negative feeling

Therapist, Megan Caston, warns of disagreements stemming from a lack of communication, unexpressed expectations that spouses have for each other and their needs, deeming it important to speak up early before resentment and anger build up.

Although Caston's opinion may not seem like the most romantic of rituals, he suggests defining a "marriage business meeting" (14), in which the two partners touch everything.

Some couples constantly set a date to address relationship concerns, rather than randomly bringing up difficulties and things that need improvement, and find it useful to invest about an hour on a weekly or monthly basis to resolve areas of disagreement, which made the couples look forward to the agreed time, because they know that they In it they will get all the attention of their partner.

• Second, watch the way you start an argument

Certified relationship coach and founder of marriage counseling app Lasting Steven Dzidzic tells us that the way you initiate conversations greatly influences the course of the conversation.

Couples in healthy relationships may be tired, hungry, and may not feel well, stray, or misunderstand just as we are (15).

This is where distress arises and problems arise, so give yourself a moment to think. Do I put my partner on the offensive when I talk about problems, or do I sometimes back off, leaving him room for expression?

Stephen explains how to start a dialogue in three parts: the tone of your voice, the level of your voice, and the words you say.

If the other person feels harsh in one of them, the conversation will likely take a hostile turn.

• Third: Start by making an agreement, and keep your anger as low as possible

Interruptions during conversation are a major cause of increased bickering and exacerbation of problems, so Chapman suggests that the two agree on a time limit for the partner to share their thoughts and feelings.

Setting a time limit helps focus on listening, rather than deafening one's ears and paying full attention inward. Now this partner knows he's coming into the discussion, so he no longer has to interrupt to make one point or challenge another.

If the couple encounters a complex problem that needs to be dealt with, they begin to agree.

Dr. Gottman notes that successful couples who have been together for a long time master kindness, presenting issues in a friendly manner by never beginning with criticism.

So starting with an agreement is the best way to avoid an argument and start a discussion.

Find something you can agree on, and start there.

It is very rare for you to feel truly heard and understood, which is why he advises couples to ask questions that also show that they are actively trying to understand their partner.

• Fourth: Create an atmosphere of love and express your curiosity

In the midst of a fight, try to look at the world through the eyes of your loved one, work hard to understand how they see the problem and how they feel and then ask questions for clarification, recommends Dr. Gary Chapman, marriage counselor. Once you understand your partner's argument, he advises saying something on the Like, "I think I understand what you're saying, how you're feeling, and that makes a lot of sense."

This sentence is enough to declare your friendship and crush the enmity that has created an atmosphere fraught with tension (16).

It's very rare for you to feel truly heard and understood, which is why he advises couples to ask questions that also show that they are actively trying to understand their partner, such as, "Tell me more," and "I don't understand it yet, but please carry on."

Doing so helps the listener develop empathy, and enables the speaker to feel heard.

• Fifth: Find the emotional roots of the dispute, and uproot them

Get beyond the argument, sit down with your partner (or jot it down) and review all the arguments you've raised recently or any major problems that have arisen over the past few months, try to identify the patterns under the arguments, once you have identified your patterns, clearly identify each partner's side in the arguments Discussion Do it in non-judgmental terms, for example, the problem could be “spending.” You like to enjoy dinner out regularly, while your spouse likes to save for something big. Both of you are not at fault, but this way you know where you stand.

"Under every quarrel, there is an unmet emotional need," Dzidzic says.

For example, your husband hasn't done something even though you asked for it dozens of times, you argue, but the hidden words behind the chores could be something like "I don't feel appreciated" or "I don't feel like I'm his number one priority."

When you take the time to dig deeper into the problem and the response, you can address the underlying emotional need and achieve greater understanding.

Dzidzic also adds: You should never assume that your partner knows how you're feeling, tell them.

One of the reasons petty quarrels often flare up is that both partners never stop bringing up past problems while they are engaged in a current discussion.

• Sixth: Do not stray from a point or arena of contention 

One of the reasons that small disagreements erupt constantly is that the two partners do not stop bringing up past problems while they are engaged in a current discussion, so it is preferable to try to avoid things such as “You always do this”, “This is your behavior” or “You never do that”, Do not invoke previous arguments or disagreements, because this will only exacerbate the problem and not look at it in its true size, but rather from its huge shadow reflected on a wall built of discontent.

• Seven: Take time out in case you or your partner needs one

In an argument, it is common for one or both partners to find themselves in a "fighting," "running," or "freezing" situation when they think they may be in danger. The term "fight" or "flight" refers to the time when stress hormones are activated to give people more energy to fight stress or escape a situation. A "freeze" situation occurs when a person simply does not react at all, hoping that the stressor will lose interest in the fight.

Here, problem-solving is highly unlikely, because each person focuses only on responding to the perceived threat they feel from their partner.

If only one person is in a "fight", "escape", or "freeze" mode, while the other is trying to solve the problem, both may be frustrated and the conflict intensifies.

And you can frame this timeout in a way that doesn't make your partner feel like you're going too far. Someone might say, "Okay, I need 10 minutes to cool off." When you return to the discussion after the short pause, the potential for real progress may come.

• Eight: Find the best way to apologize

Not only do we have different love languages, but we also have different languages ​​of apology.

It is not enough to realize that you hurt your loved one and that you owe them an apology, you have to know them enough to tailor your apology to their needs.

"Some people want big gestures, but sometimes it's enough to just say, 'I'm really sorry I hurt your feelings, and I'm going to make sure I don't do it again,'" says Ostrander, a couples counselor.

Tools that will help you

• "Lasting" application

The app takes on small tasks, like sending your partner gratitude reminders at a specific time of the day, and big tasks like showing you how to start a normal conversation or come up with something big.

The application is based on more than 300 studies on marriage, the vast majority of which are from four leading relationship psychologists (17), and was founded on the approach of Dr.

John and Julie Guttman is the most commonly used couples therapy, prioritizing attachment as a way to strengthen the relationship, to some extent on the question “Are you there for me?” The app combines audio tracks with articles on psychology and marriage health, and then translates them into exercises.

• The Seven Conflicts book

The Seven Conflicts book

The book "The Seven Conflicts" penetrates the thorny layer of marital problems, aiming to educate spouses about the mechanism and nature of their differences in order to deal with them in a way that strengthens their relationship and marriage.

The authors do not offer solutions as much as they strive to guide the reader to enhance the way he responds to the problem and treats it.

The chapters on the Seven Conflicts end with a list for you to assess yourself and answer a few questions about what was raised. (No translation available yet).

• Video

In this clip, writer "Vanessa Van Edwards" talks about marital disagreements and that they are not related to the problem itself as much as the lack of communication, continuing to list facts about them supported by numbers.

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