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"After I got married and moved away from her, I realized how harmful she was, I realized how she made me live all my life in a great guilt complex that I can't get rid of, by constantly criticizing and blaming her, and never praising me.. I decided to live in a remote area, and if I could I would move to another country. Now I don't expect compliments or regrets from her, all I hope is to feel safe when my daughter talks to her, not to judge her or make her feel guilty."
(*)
Does a phone call or meeting with your mom make you feel like you're going through an emotional minefield?
Do you avoid family gatherings?
Did you spend your childhood guilt-ridden, stuck in an endless racetrack to win your mother's approval without ever getting there?
You may have experienced a toxic mothering relationship that is different from the ones we see in books, movies, and children's stories.
The child grows with a natural need to feel unconditional love and acceptance from his mother, and while the stereotypical mental image of the mother confirms that she is a source of tenderness and a source of safety, contrary to what is known, there are mothers without a paradise under their feet, facing their own suffering, and they cannot deal with it, it seems that they do not know How to love their children, or at least how to express this love in a healthy way, as if they became mothers in response to a scenario previously prepared without a real desire for motherhood.
The mother takes a semi-sacred position in most cultural and religious contexts that deal with motherhood as an instinct, and with the mother’s love for her children as an instinct. She sees any disturbance in this relationship as a result of the children’s mistakes and shortcomings, and not the other way around, which plunges many children into the trap of guilt.
"At the age of twenty-five I began to realize the extent of her abuse, after for many years I believed that the fault was me... She used to quarrel with me for long days over trifles, and imposed very strict rules on me that she did not impose on any of my brothers."
(*)
There is a common feeling among children who did not have a proper relationship with the mother of unworthiness, loss of self-confidence, and trust in emotional bonds.
Despite the existence of these common feelings and experience, the nature of abuse and patterns of toxic relationship with the mother are numerous. Here are some patterns or characteristics of the toxic relationship with the mother, bearing in mind that many parents do some of these things sometimes, and under the influence of daily pressures, there is no "Perfect" motherhood, but in a toxic relationship with the mother, two or more of these characteristics appear regularly and continuously, turning them into a pattern in the relationship:
Constant criticism
"My mother always accuses me of cruelty and difficulty because I do not follow her thoughts... Every time someone proposes to me, she fails me the most, as if I am a commodity that she wants to get rid of under any circumstances."
(*)
This is shown in her constant criticism of everything the children do, belittling their efforts and not giving any praise.
Children always find themselves in an endless cycle of attempts to obtain her approval, love and attention, but whatever effort they make is always insufficient to approach her ideal standards.
This feeling of rejection leaves a gap in the chest that does not heal. The feeling of rejection on the part of the mother leaves an intense feeling of unworthiness.
the control
The dominant mother refuses to acknowledge the right of her children to make their own decisions, and refuses to acknowledge the validity of what they say or do, thus instilling in them a deep sense of powerlessness.
Although this behavior is always issued under the guise of "the interests of the children", it establishes a message that they are helpless, unable to distinguish and rule on their own without her guidance, and may grow up and take strong and leadership positions while the mother continues to interfere in their behavior and manner of treatment, and even their clothing choices, and grants She herself has the right to express her opinion as an expert in all aspects of their lives.
"I discovered this when I was twenty years old when it denied me entry to the college that I studied and worked hard to reach and succeeded in a total that qualified me for that, but I transferred my paper to another college without my knowledge... It took me many years to transfer my field of work, perhaps I did not fail from my point of view or The point of view of society, but the psychological impact remains on my personality. I succeeded in my life, but the journey was painful as poison."
(*)
guilt traps
In this case, the mother deliberately informs her children of guilt, blackmails them, blames them and makes them aware that her harmful actions are the result of their mistakes, and because she knows them well, she is able to provoke their strings, manipulate them and trap them in the traps of guilt and control them through those traps.
Humiliation, ridicule, and not allowing negative feelings to be expressed
She will direct negative comments to her children and make fun of them in front of their friends or in front of the rest of the family, she will make fun of their opinions and tell them that they do not matter to anyone, and this may extend at an older age, to embarrass them in front of their children and husbands/wives without regard to the impact on them.
When confronted, she accuses them of being too sensitive and not good at accepting jokes.
This is related to the above. When a son expresses his dissatisfaction with the way she treats him, her anger flows, or she punishes him, and criticizes him just because he feels resentment, which leads him to hide his feelings and not express any negative feelings for fear of her anger.
"We used to disagree, and she interrupted me for months, then came back, until she died."
(*)
Passive violence and lack of respect for personal boundaries
This mother will not express her anger towards you directly, but it will manifest itself in other phenomena, such as arriving late to an event that interests you, ignoring you, or being grumpy for no apparent reason, which leaves the children confused and confused about the reason for her anger.
Nor does she respect the privacy of her children, so she reads their private messages, searches their drawers and bags, interferes between them and their partners, talks to their friends and co-workers without their knowledge, or suddenly enters the bathroom to offer help without permission.
It does not recognize or respect personal boundaries. (1)
absence
All children need their mothers, and this need progresses according to the stages of development.
The manifestations of absence or emotional separation from children vary, between not responding to their needs, crying, losing physical contact, or even actual absence and abandonment.
"I don't remember my mother holding me before, and when anyone hugs me I feel something like electricity in my body."
(*)
Indulgence or excessive attachment
In contrast to the previous pattern, this type is completely immersed in the lives of its children, and does not recognize the existence of any kind of boundaries between them.
Maternal love here exploits the children’s natural need for love and attention in order to tighten its grip around them. It is the ideal model for a dramatic mother who lives her life through the achievements of her children, and compensates for her failure through them, whether this failure is at the level of work or at the level of her relationship with the father.
“My father used to hurt her, and she did not get a divorce, thinking that it would change and that she would protect the family, but she used to do that to us in various ways... and that she used us to spy on my father who was cheating on her, and that she would blackmail us emotionally to force us to do that, and make us interfere between her and my father in Their disagreements are unhealthy."
(*)
Competitive Mother
This interaction is described as an open war between the mother and her children, showing jealousy or competition with the children, and she may use emotional or verbal abuse and sometimes physical abuse to win, which often leads the children to feel guilt.
This pattern appears more clearly in the mother's relationship with her daughters than in her relationship with her male sons.
Reversed roles
"I only discovered this when I started psychotherapy 5 years ago, when I was about 28 years old. Why is she toxic? Because she thought - and still is - that I was the source of psychological support for her when the opposite was true, and she acted on this basis. This hindered me mentally and healthily. Socially, it hindered my social development, and I am still being treated for its effects.”
(*)
In this scenario, the roles are reversed and the mother asks her children to take care of her emotionally or play the role of mother for her, which makes the children feel that their childhood is "stolen".
This is also common in the case of mothers who suffer from chronic depression or alcoholism. These mothers love their children but lack the ability to care for them.
(2)
Distorting facts
While children at a young age begin to learn to trust their feelings and thoughts, this behavior comes as a scythe that rips their self-confidence from its roots, destroying all their efforts.
"My mother used to lie to me, break her promises, say that I am a liar and that she did not promise anything. My brother beats me and says I was the one who provoked him. She accuses me of lying until I suspected for a long time that I was crazy."(3)
The early relationship with the mother constitutes a solid foundation for the human relationship with the world around him, and his relationship with himself. Through this early relationship, he builds his first concepts of trust, understanding and love, and its turmoil leaves deep effects on his relationship with himself and his relationships with others, including: feeling unworthy and that he is not good enough, The feeling of shame and that something is wrong with him, the feeling that he has to remain helpless/young to gain her love, the constant feeling of guilt, as if he is responsible for the way she acts towards him. The troubled relationship with a toxic mother loses her children's ability to express themselves, and makes them endure bad treatment from others and wrong themselves, and you always find them feeling emotional responsibility towards everyone, and the result may be for some a pathological desire to control, in addition to pathological disorders such as Depression, addiction and eating disorders. (4)
After transcending childhood into adulthood and adulthood, children begin to accept their experiences and deal with the wounds of a toxic relationship with the mother. But this realization is accompanied by an overwhelming feeling of loss and betrayal, and a constant need for acceptance and lost maternal love, and may be paralleled by falling into the trap of guilt and unworthiness. The internal conflict amplifies and becomes more complex when the desire for emotional separation and to escape from the trap of feelings of guilt, in light of the cultural and social assumptions regarding maternal love, the image of sacred motherhood, and the duty of children towards it. There is always a trial held over the heads of the children, even though the children of the toxic relationship did not experience the stereotyped mental image of the mother.
The journey of recovering from a toxic relationship with your mother begins with you, from changing the way you interact with her and the way you feel about her behavior.
None of us have the power to change others, but we do have the power to change the way we perceive their behavior toward us, and we have the power to define our own personal space that protects us from harming him.
It is always recommended to resort to psychological treatment, which may be a long, arduous and painful journey, but it will help you reach the following results:
emotional separation
By separation we do not mean spatial/physical separation or estrangement, as much as we mean emotional separation from it; She doesn't take things personally, doesn't react to her abusive behavior, and doesn't feel responsible or guilt about her feelings or requirements. Sometimes this separation is difficult, even if we move away to another continent, one word in a phone call is enough to bring back weak children crying in a dark corner. An emotional separation will protect you from feeling hurt, and help you understand her more. You will begin to understand her fears and anxieties, and learn how to avoid falling under the influence of her feelings. You will realize that you do not need to change her to recover, do not waste your life waiting for your mother to change, this is her life and her responsibilities, not your life and your responsibilities, focus on living a good life and do not try to change it.
"Finally I understood that distance or separation is how to deal with it without invoking the negatives and bitterness of the past, and how to control negative feelings while talking to it and withdraw from talking with the least losses.. Distance and separation is not physical distance but psychological and nervous distance, I choose the right time and wait for opportunities and take advantage of the ability I have good nervousness to communicate with her as God has commanded us... and it is a very hard jihad."
(*)
Establish critical personal boundaries
Personal boundaries protect you from harm, the mother may find it difficult to accept the new boundaries she has set, and she may accuse other people of encouraging you to set them (eg spouse, friends who spoiled you, psychotherapist).
You need to pay more attention to the pattern of communication between the two of you, and pay attention to the habits and defenses you use to control anxiety.
Do you still feel afraid of them?
Are you still confused and afraid?
Remember that you are old now, mature enough, and that you are here with her because that is your choice.
Get rid of guilt
For many years, children suffer from accusations of shortcomings and failure to follow the standards that the mother aspires to, and over the years they develop something like falsification of awareness and imbalance of standards.
But the truth is that you are not wrong, and your constant attempts to get high grades in school, help her with the housework, or support her emotional needs, have not changed her perception of you.
Perhaps that gap of love and acceptance will remain open in your heart for a lifetime.
What you need to change is your perception of yourself, you are good enough and you don't need to prove it to her.
forgiveness
Sometimes you need to forgive in order to move on with your life. It may be helpful to have a frank conversation with her, and such a conversation may only lead to more pain.
Try to find a way to get rid of anger and resentment, for lingering anger and resentment will only hurt you, you. (5) (6)
The decision to separate from the family and the mother in particular is not an easy decision, but rather a painful decision that has its consequences
In a questionnaire for "Meidan", we asked the participants about taking actual steps for spatial separation or moving away from the toxic mother, some did not think about this before, whether for fear of the consequences of this or the lack of independent income and others were already spatially independent, and a large percentage got this distance after marriage.
Some resort to spatial distance from the toxic mother to reduce exposure to her abuse, whether moving away under the guise of marriage, or moving to another city within the framework of work, or in some rare and highly toxic cases, some may resort to a complete estrangement.
Although this type of separation may reduce emotional tension, it does not heal the wounds that already exist, and it may cause severe damage to the rest of the relationships.
You need to work on solving your problems through psychotherapy, which can take a long time to reach a degree of emotional and psychological independence that enables you to deal with the abuse, whether you continue to live with it or move to another home and contact it only with visits. (7) The decision to separate from the family and the mother in particular is not an easy decision, but rather a painful decision with its consequences. Some choose to move to other cities, and some choose to reduce communication, while some do not do any of that for various reasons, hoping to reach a kind of reconciliation, or for fear of repercussions. Disobedience to parents, or to maintain the image of the necessary grandmother in the lives of their children, or for fear of having to lose other family ties by dependence.(8)
The need for mourning or grief
Guilt, remorse, feelings of unworthiness and doubt about your decisions are a common legacy of this type of relationship, a heavy and full of bitterness that is hard to swallow, and you will need a long time to practice getting rid of it, a time to cry, a time perhaps like mourning, this realization, and surrender because it You will not change, it means implied despair of having a normal relationship between you, of getting the love and acceptance of the person from whom you have been waiting for unconditional love since your birth.
Despair is the final farewell to hope in a normal maternal relationship.
Sadness and crying in this case are a natural feeling that differs from guilt, as it is in a way crying/mourning for the mother who deserved and did not get it, in a healing journey linked primarily to your awareness that you deserve love.
(*) Testimonials from live sources through a questionnaire for "Meidan".
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Sources
What Is A Toxic Mother And How Does She Affect Relationships?
8 Toxic Patterns in Mother-Daughter Relationships:
8 Things That Toxic Mothers Have in Common:
What Is A Toxic Mother And How Does She Affect Relationships?
12 Clues a Relationship with a Parent Is Toxic:
Simple Truths About Toxic Mothers I Wish I Knew Growing Up
Clues a Relationship with a Parent Is Toxic:
The Crisis of the Ailing Toxic Mother: Caretake or Run?