Antoine's father suddenly died three days after his birth.

During his early childhood, Antoine was abused by his mother and brother who blamed him for this death.

At the microphone of Olivier Delacroix, he retraces his violent childhood, his placement in a home, his suicide attempts and the after-effects that he keeps from them.

TESTIMONY

Three days after Antoine's birth, his father accidentally died. His mother and older brother made him pay for this tragedy. Abused, Antoine was then placed in a home at the age of four and a half. He says he was loved by educators there. But eight years later, Antoine was moved to a new home, then placed in foster families. At that time, Antoine made several suicide attempts, until he discovered oenology at 18 and met Isabelle, his wife, at 25. He tells Olivier Delacroix about his painful childhood and his reconstruction. 

Antoine looks back on the circumstances in which he was born: "From February 27, 1972, my destiny changed, since I changed my first name. On the day of my birth, February 24, 1972, I was called Eric. It's written on my birth certificate. My daddy died on the 27th and I was renamed Antonio. I was given his first name. I am considered the child of evil who brings misfortune to the family. I I don't have many happy memories. I have a funny and painful memory: when I was four years old, my mouth and face were disinfected with raw garlic in the evening. Garlic seems to chase away demons.

My mother and my brother destroyed an individual.

There was no possible construction.

In violence and hatred, no individual can build himself.

For years, I suffered blows, suffered violence of all kinds, suffered hatred.

I ate standing in a sink, while everyone was seated at the table.

I collapsed from exhaustion at the foot of the sink and no one understood why.

It was child welfare that reacted.

When I was four, I was left in front of the nursery door, summer and winter.

It alerted them. 

"

My real family are the educators

"

I was placed in the Adolphe Chérioux home, in Vitry-sur-Seine, in September 1977. It was the beginning of happiness. I was four and a half years old. I remember everything. I understood that I was moving on. An educator came to me and said 'You know tomorrow is back to school. Do you know how to tie your laces? ' I answered no. We spent the night learning to tie laces. I have wonderful memories of it. My real family are the educators of Adolphe Chérioux. Even today, I give them thanks. Thank you for loving me like this. The love that I received from you for eight years, I took it.

We were taught to work. We had laundry and shoemaking workshops. We were totally taken care of by educators who hugged us, kissed us and loved us. It was our parents. I tell myself that maybe someone will tell me: 'We give you the home and you will take care of it.' I give up everything and I come to take care of these kids, because everything is there. Everything I am today is here. There's a story. I have the impression that these walls speak to me. They say to me: 'Well done little guy!'

I continued to see my mother occasionally.

It was a will of the DDASS.

It was a disaster, because I continued to eat standing in the kitchen sink.

The few times I spoke, I took one.

When I was seven or eight years old, I was in pajamas and wanted to go to bed, I found myself at the foot of a radiator with a dagger under my throat, because my brother had not liked that my dessert was different from the his.

It's heavy.

It marks an existence.

What struck me even more was the unmanifested violence of my mother that day, who did not react. "

"

It is the image of a man flayed alive

"

After a difficult period, due to his change of home, and several suicide attempts, Antoine met Isabelle, his wife. She remembers their meeting: "The first evening, we went to the cinema and to the restaurant, then he walked me back to my house. Finally, instead of going up to the house, we stayed talking until 6 am in the car He told me part of his story, his mother, his placement, his difficulties with his brother…

The first night, I had the impression that he was telling me everything, even if you can't tell everything in a few hours.

Afterwards, I discovered that in reality, I didn't know anything.

I still discover it today.

I felt an ocean to fill.

I remember thinking very quickly: 'You have been abandoned many times.

Me, I want to show you that love and fidelity exist.

I don't want to be the one to abandon you again. '

This is the promise I made to myself. 

"

His life is not very important

"

At first, I didn't think I was that much of a pillar. It's hard to guess, especially when you don't know this world. I was completely overwhelmed when I met Antoine. They were the kind of stories and characters that I never imagined. I lived in cotton for up to 25 years. I met life when I met Antoine. I discovered it in a strong, even violent way. We went through terrible things from the start. It is the image of a man flayed alive. It is the expression of an immense wound in relation to all the abandonments he has experienced. There is no common thread in his life. 

I think it remains very fragile.

If anything should happen to me, I won't give a damn.

It doesn't matter, even if he has a great professional success, our couple is doing well and we have a nice social fabric.

His life is not very important.

Not having children is a choice that was imposed on us.

Expressed his desire to have children.

My ideal family model was a couple and three children, but I quickly realized that I couldn't handle everything. "

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Antoine delivers the sequelae he keeps from his childhood: "We are in a forest after the storm. We have pruned the big trunks, but there are still branches in the way. I think I can better manage my emotivity and my hypersensitivity. today. Four or five years ago, it still resulted in suicide attempts. I was diagnosed with bipolar five years ago. According to shrinks, it has to do with the shocks that I have. lived emotionally and because it looks like my mom is too. It's okay. A lot of people are bipolar. "

According to Antoine, his traumas also have an impact on his relationship: "I like Isabelle badly, but I know it. What matters is to know it. You have to live with it. I have to be careful. Keeping me alive. has a price and unfortunately my wife pays it. In order for me to stay, I must continue to feed my bulimia from work. When I come home in the evening, at one or two in the morning, she is waiting for me. It's the best proof of love for me, because I can't get home without someone waiting for me, I have a panic attack and I can't sleep all night. "

"

I don't expect anything from them, not even an apology

"

Antoine's mother and brother tried to reconnect with him, but the latter refused to see them again: "I don't want to see my mother and my brother. What are we going to have to say to each other? It's been more than twenty years since we haven't seen each other, almost thirty years with my brother. What can a grown child expect from his mother and older brother who beat and assaulted him? Deep in my guts? There are parts of my body that still bear traces of their violence. 

I don't expect anything from them, not even an apology. Not too long ago, my mother tried to contact me through the missing persons search. A gendarmerie commander called me. Not long ago, my brother contacted me by email and by phone. I do not follow up. They will have to understand that my life is not with them. My life is with Isabelle and it's exclusive. "