A family gathering or event may not pass until someone comes to you with a smile, usually described as "yellow," and asks: "Won't we be happy with you?"
If you weren't already married, this phrase will definitely be the most frequent phrase for you at any social occasion.
Then you start to think quickly to answer this question, which although you know for sure of its "absurdity" it forces you every time to think about the appropriate answer, which is often "you have not found the right person yet."
If you are single, and you already read these words with us, then you are often in a group of three: Either you are not bound to your will as you are not interested in establishing a serious relationship at this particular time in your life, or you have not found the right person yet, or you have to stay Celibate due to special circumstances such as completion of studies or practical achievement, or perhaps for economic reasons, and there is no shame in all of this.
But if you are over the age of 30 and do not belong to one of the three groups, and do not have a convincing reason for remaining single, there may be a problem already.
The following is an attempt to list a group of factors that could be the cause of this unintelligible delay, perhaps for the same person.
"Many disturbances are the result of violent shocks that the soul cannot bear."
The negative experiences that a person is exposed to in early childhood, whether within the narrow family environment with parents, or the more extensive social environment with relatives and friends, seriously affect his mental health in adulthood. These experiences include all forms of harm that may be exposed to the child during this stage of his life, beginning with violence and psychological or physical abuse, and not ending with negative feelings such as: embarrassment, bullying and ostracism, or emotional blackmail and belittling (1).
Even in the best of cases, parents who are good in their lives suffer from immense problems that may interfere in one way or another in their relationships with their children, such as financial obstacles, economic conditions, and psychological and social status. Although these problems are not centered around the child himself, the interaction of parents while they are in the midst of these problems with their children in their early childhood stages leads to the intensification of the child's awareness of the extent of his meager and weakness, so he falls easy prey into the net of negative feelings, such as insecurity, incompetence, lack of self-confidence and feeling Guilt.
In adulthood, negative experiences develop in the form of immaturity in the child's personality at times, and varying psychological disorders at other times. One of the common patterns of immaturity is the child's development of psychological defenses during his growth, and according to the results of a study conducted at the Faculty of Social Sciences and Psychology at the Finnish University of Tampere, to identify the impact of early family relationships on the psychological defense mechanisms of children, good family relationships lead to enhancing children's ability To effectively regulate their emotions, while abusive family relationships lead them to build psychological defenses to protect their emotions (2).
In other words, children who grow up in healthy family relationships enveloped by love and affection possess the ability to effectively control and regulate their emotions, in contrast to those who grow up in abusive family relationships, where they are unable to develop that ability, and replace it with building psychological defenses that protect their feelings from the outside world. These defenses are key mechanisms that help them deal with anxiety and stress by distorting the truth, suppressing negative thoughts and bad emotions, thus avoiding pain and providing a measure of protection and safety. (3)
But despite the protection provided by these mechanisms, they affect the lives of these people in their future relationships, as they interfere with such complexity with emotional relationships that you prefer to stay alone in your private bubble over living a real life and engage in an emotional relationship, just because of the fear of exposure to too much. From pain and psychological or emotional damage (4). Although these effects begin in early childhood, they are not evident until later in adulthood when entering into romantic relationships.
For example, if you were raised in early childhood at the hands of neglected or emotionally cold parents, this creates a feeling of distrust in your emotion and love, which in adulthood develops into problems in maintaining satisfying emotional relationships, so you start to worry about people who They approach you or show interest in you, and instead of giving them the opportunity and approaching them or exchanging the same interest for them, you look at their relationship behind a candidate and prefer to stay away from them. You may justify this for yourself by raising imaginary reasons that are often far removed from the main reason that lies in your fear of being hurt or wounded.
Dr. Menelaus Apostolo, Associate Professor at the Faculty of Humanities and Social Sciences at the University of Nicosia of Cyprus, and the author of many books and books in the field of developmental psychology, said in his interview with Maidan: “People spin many internal barriers to prevent themselves from entering into healthy relationships, There are many reasons that people provide as an explanation for remaining single, but the most common ones include bad experiences from previous relationships, extreme selectivity in choosing, and unattractive appearance.
He adds, "Past experiences play a pivotal role in keeping some people single. When people go through failed or painful emotional experiences they think they are bad in relationships, which leads them to develop psychological defenses that make them remain single for fear of being rejected, emotional harm, or even failure again in relationships." Future, and they convince themselves that they are still single because they would rather live this way. "
Let us publish to a recent exploratory study conducted by a researcher at the University of Nicosia in Cyprus and published in the Journal of Evolutionary Psychology with the title “Why Do Men Remain Single?”, Based on a question of the same title raised by a Reddit pioneer. The study aimed to identify the reasons that lead men to remain single, and more than 13,000 people participated, all of their responses were analyzed, and nearly 7,000 responses were coded according to 43 categories, and according to the results, low self-esteem and low self-confidence was the main reason. The second that pushes young people to remain single and reluctance to associate (5).
One of the most striking things about this study is that the answer of more than 500 people always contained the same response, regardless of its different wording: "I'm still celibate because I have enormous self-esteem problems", or: "I'm still celibate because I think I'm worthless." And: "I do not practice my social life because I do not wish to inflict my stupidity and worthless presence on other people." For whatever reason, these people all believe that they are worthless and do not deserve a good emotional relationship like everyone else, although most of these beliefs may be completely incorrect.
Low self-esteem results from a harsh inner voice that contributes to your negative perceptions and convictions about yourself, and it always tells you that you are worthless or that you are unlovable and that no one cares about you, or it tells you that you are ugly or fat, etc. These negative perceptions of yourself may lead to dire consequences on all levels, especially emotional relationships. When you are satisfied with these negative perceptions, all the good positive emotions that any person may have for you seem as if they are unsound or illegitimate and strange because you do not deserve them, so you reflect them badly on Their owners are so that you see them as hopeless and weak.
For example, when someone approaches you you start to hear these inner voices, and no matter how attractive and good this person is, you start to wonder;
Is this person that naive?
Is he desperate and weak to the point that he is attracted to someone like me?
As an inevitable result of trusting your negative perceptions of yourself, you automatically engage in offensive behaviors that drive this person away from you, thinking that he will discover your darker negative aspects later, and then he will abandon you, so you see that it is better to exclude him from the beginning before he does so. .
Although most of these assumptions do not exist outside the bounds of your thinking, your low self-esteem makes you confused and fragile, fully believing in your worthlessness and insignificance, and disbelieving the inevitability of your possessing good qualities like others, and indifferent that there is a possibility - even if it was small - that the other side is fully aware of aspects Your personality is less impressive, but he realizes that you are not perfect, because no one is at all.
Dr. Apostolou, the author of the previous exploratory study, agrees. In his interview with Meydan, he says: “In our study, low self-esteem and low self-confidence were the second main reason why people are reluctant to associate. These traits prevent people from exerting the necessary effort to obtain A suitable partner. If people think that they do not deserve a partner or that they will never be able to find a suitable partner, they will not try to find one in the first place, which will make them single in the end.
In a previous survey that sheds light on why men remain single, more than 350 participants reported that the main reason they still were is because they were attracted to inappropriate people or were linked to unhealthy relationships that ended in failure and exposure to abuse. There is an inherent link between building psychological defense mechanisms and low self-esteem and unhealthy attraction in emotional relationships. When you build your psychological defenses and start to interact and act according to them, you will look at emotional relationships in another way in which you are very careful not to hurt emotionally and psychologically, so without awareness It is true that you choose partners who are completely incompetent, incompetent, or far from the characteristics of the person you want.
For example, you may search for someone who does not share the same feelings of admiration or love with you, or engage in a satisfying relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable, such as someone who is connected, someone who got out of a failed relationship, or a third who does not want to be involved in a romantic relationship, etc. The blame in your mind is on the other party always, without acknowledging the fact that you are seeking failed relationships, for the sole reason of not experiencing emotional or psychological wounding if the relationship lasted for a long time and then ended badly with the other party abandoning you (6).
Low self-esteem also plays a pivotal role in the false attraction of emotional relationships, as many people have an unconscious incentive to search for relationships that reinforce critical thoughts and negative perceptions they developed about themselves in early childhood (7). For example, your lack of self-esteem pushes you toward toxic relationships in which the other person plays on your negative image, perceptions that you have always believed in to the degree that you begin to feel comfortable and intimate despite being extremely painful. For example, if you are in a toxic relationship and you see yourself as an ugly, bad, or worthless person, and the other party knows about these perceptions, he reinforces them through your criticism of harsh criticisms that focus on those perceptions to the extent that your feelings of badness and worthlessness are magnified with them.
The result is completely different in the two previous cases. In the first case, relationships that follow that negative pattern of emotional attraction, which depend mainly on unavailable people or others who do not like you, always fail.
In the second case, your low self-esteem and your inability to believe that the other side is looking at you in a positive way contrasts with your negative perceptions of yourself - even if this person sees you in a real positive way - inevitably leads to the failure of the relationship tragically, eventually reaching the same point by remaining single .
The scariest thing is completely accepting yourself.
(Carl Jung, psychologist)
Self-love has always been stigmatized as a moral and selfish stigma, and is often confused with narcissism, of course there is a big difference between self-love and narcissism. Not everyone who suffers from self-love is a narcissist, as there are many contradictions and complexities of duality that reside within the narcissistic personality. Self-love often revolves around a person's ability to see their insides transparently and to see their strengths and weaknesses realistically and honestly, to the extent that they are able to take responsibility for their well-being and their mental and physical health.
In contrast to self-hatred, which is characterized by its low esteem and lack of respect, those who have self-love have such good self-esteem and self-esteem that they can appreciate their accomplishments in a realistic way despite their full awareness that they are weak in other aspects and need to be improved. Although self-love is vital to entering and maintaining healthy relationships, just like low self-esteem, excessive self-love is a quick recipe for romantic relationship failures and a major reason for you to remain single.
Your excessive self-love leads to the development of an inferior view of anyone who finds his way to you, and no matter how special and good this person is, you see yourself as better than him in all respects, and even more deserving of someone more qualified than him. For example, when someone approaches you with some feelings of admiration or love for you, you automatically begin to compare you with him in an illogical or fair way by looking at his weaknesses and amplifying them in exchange for directing a magnifying lens at your strengths, instead of being aware that he is like anyone Another has distinct aspects and others that are less distinct.
Nevertheless, when you engage with him in a romantic relationship, you feel as if you are sympathetic to him, and you think that he must show gratitude and thanks throughout his life for your acceptance of him (8). Another indirect way in which excessive self-love affects emotional relationships is to build psychological and verbal defense mechanisms that in turn lead to the failure of all the relationships you engage in, and by extension your remaining single. According to a research study conducted at the University of Georgia, high self-esteem does not necessarily mean healthy self-esteem, as there are fragile and shallow types of excessive self-love that are no better than low self-esteem.
The results of the study showed that people who possess a safe and normal level of self-love are less likely to build psychological and verbal defenses than those who possess fragile excessive self-esteem (9). "People who suffer from high self-esteem of the fragile type compensate for their self-doubt by engaging in exaggerated behaviors such as criticizing others, to defend and protect their sense of self-worth," said Michael Kearns, lead author of the study and professor of psychology at the University of Georgia. And strengthening it "(10).
For example, if you are in a romantic relationship and you suffer from superficial or fragile excessive self-esteem and respect, then they are often psychological and verbal defense mechanisms to compensate for your inner doubts about yourself by reflecting them on the other party in the relationship by directing a zooming lens on its bad sides Or his negative qualities that you willingly accepted in the beginning, and start to criticize him harshly, resulting in the failure of the relationship in the end.
"We have to realize that there can be no relationships unless there is commitment, unless there is loyalty, unless there is love, patience, and fortitude."
(Cornell West, American philosopher and political activist)
Although fear of commitment manifests itself at its best during long-term emotional relationships such as marriage, it generally affects all emotional relationships and engagements, and it may be an essential reason for you to remain single. Fear of commitment at its moderate levels may be a natural feeling that everyone experiences, but it is classified as a social phobia when it appears strongly, is irrational and unjustified, to the extent that it prevents you from risking engaging in an emotional relationship and prevents you from living your normal life.
Like other different types of phobias, going through experiences and painful relationships or experiencing negative experiences in the past may be the main reason for the emergence and development of fear of commitment over time (11). Below these experiences are: Undergoing a failed experience of a previous relationship or being disappointed by the other party, as well as experiencing the circumstances of divorce between parents in childhood, or seeing quarrels, attacks and constant violence between them (12), as these experiences have a fundamental impact on the development of fear. From a commitment that severely affects your future emotional state and keeps you from engaging in romantic relationships.
Finally, in addition to the previous reasons that are considered as internal challenges that revolve in your unconscious mind that you may not easily perceive, isolation and routine also play a pivotal role in remaining single, so as you get older, you retreat into your comfort zone, which is considered a bubble in which routine captures you and is difficult to exit. One of them, where you feel fulfilled, comfortable and safe, away from engaging in real life and entering into emotional relationships that may change your routine and turn your life upside down. So instead of pursuing a real romantic relationship, you prefer to remain aloof in your comfort zone (13).
"Fear of commitment is another common reason that leads people to remain single. People are afraid of engaging in long-term committed relationships because they involve many compromises and usually require A lot of concessions, and some people do not like to make these concessions, but they would rather stay single instead. "
"In general, celibacy is not considered a permanent condition here, as most people may be able to find a suitable partner in the end. People who suffer from these causes may not be single forever," he added. It pushes them to experience long periods of celibacy. "
Defense Mechanisms That Affect Relationships
Early Family Relationships Predict Children's Emotion Regulation and Defense Mechanisms
Relationship between multiple forms of childhood maltreatment and adult mental health
Why Men Stay Single?
Evidence from Reddit
Why You Keep Winding Up in the Same Relationship
The Psychology of Romantic Love - Whom We Find Attractive
Two Reasons Why You Might Still Be Single
High Self-esteem Is Not Always What It's Cracked Up To Be
High Self-Esteem Isn't Always Healthy
Why People Are Afraid of Commitment
Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart
Why Am I Still Single?
8 Reasons People Often Stay Single