Four tips to help children cope with their parents' divorce

Faced with the divorce of their parents, children are often helpless and can have difficulty dealing with their sadness or anger.

Psycho-practitioner and author of the book "When parents separate", Virginie Limousin gives some advice to help them manage this ordeal, Friday at the microphone of Europe 1.

In France, the number of divorces increases over the years.

But the fact that they are more and more common does not make them easier to manage for the couple or within families.

The separation of parents can have important consequences on the balance of children, whether they are very young or adolescent.

Guest of

Sans rendez-vous

Friday, psycho-practitioner Virginie Limousin, author of

When parents separate,

explained how to better spare children when they break up. 

How to announce separation to children? 

"In some families, the children feel the break-up coming, particularly because of the arguments. In others, the conflicts are hidden. In both cases, the break-up must be announced as clearly as possible", recommends Virginie Limousin. .

The ideal, according to her, is to consult together and choose the moment beforehand.

Better to take the time to discuss it rather than talking about it as if nothing had happened.

"It's difficult, but you also have to try not to be too emotional yourself, in order to give the child the chance to express his own feelings."

How to deal with their emotions?

When the separation is announced, many children first feel guilt, considering that they have something to do with the breakup of their parents.

"You have to be vigilant and empathetic. Don't forget to tell them clearly: 'It's normal for you to tell yourself that it's your fault, but it's not the case'", explains Virginie Limousin. 

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The second "step" for children is often to feel anger towards their parents.

"It is quite desirable that the children resent them. It is part of the grieving process. It protects against sadness and can help overcome the ordeal."

Consulting a psychologist does not have to be systematic.

"There are children who withdraw into themselves, who cry, who slam doors. The important thing is to listen, to give them the opportunity to express themselves and to help them verbalize."

Is there an ideal childcare arrangement?

Many studies have been carried out on the subject, but they are struggling to give a universal answer.

It all depends on the age and needs of the children.

"Under 3 years old, or even 5 years old, they need stability. Having only one main house is reassuring for them."

Ideally, the other parent can make regular visits in this case.

The type of childcare can evolve throughout childhood and adolescence, towards joint custody, for example. 

"Children who navigate between two homes have on average a higher level of stress than others," recalls Virginie Limousin.

To appease them, for example, she suggests getting their favorite things - clothing, toys, plush - in duplicate to make sure they always have them available. 

Should we continue to see each other? 

Again, the answer depends on the relationship of the couple.

"It is important not to put children in the middle of arguments and be careful not to generate conflicts of loyalty."

In short, it is better not to see each other than to fight in front of the children.

Therapy can also be initiated to help the couple cope with the breakup.